What would you do if your SO had really a lot of money? (Long.)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Background: Next month I am combining households with my SO of three years. We (Well, he did) bought a beautiful house & property, I love him more than anything, and cannot wait to move. He is not Bill Gates or anything, but he is very financially comfortable. He is absolutely willing to be the sole provider & I can if I wish follow any avenue I wish, be it Lady Of The Manor, write full time (I’ve done a little freelance stuff), whatever. I want a nice car? OK. I want to start showing dogs? OK. Whatever I want. He sincerely wants me to do what I want, including working my little workaholic heart out.

I on the other hand grew up very very poor. I have worked for everything since 14 yrs old, including my school uniforms (in the UK.) I’ve been self-employed most of my life & put ex-husband through seven years of school. I have paid for my own house, my own vehicles, paid employees for years. I work really really hard & always have. I’m going to be giving up a business-we’re moving to another state for valid reasons-that I really am not sure I want to re-establish at my age in a whole new area.

The problem? I’m afraid I’ll feel like a remora or something. I see no reason why a healthy childless adult would not work. I have some bills that are unrelated to our relationship & feel obligated to pay them myself. It may be an issue of control on my part…I am used to paying my own way and paying wages to other people. I will never make as much as him & that’s OK. I just have no idea of what it’s like having someone else pay for everything. I really would like to for once in my life not have the pressure of having to work for every necessity & be able to explore my options a bit. I’d like not having to make sure there is enough work for my employees so they can pay their bills. Frankly, I am tired of always taking responsibility & working all the time.

I’m also scared of not working & not being in control of my own whims & needs… I don’t know how not to work.

How would you feel if your SO made enough $$ to support your endeavors? How would you feel about having him/her support your indulgences; be it $5.00 Starbucks confections or an expensive hobby? Am I being silly? My friends roll their eyes at me, like this is problem?

2

I am in the same position and have been for about three years now. At first it was uncomfortable for me to accept all the things he gave me, all the stuff he paid for, the debt he helped me get out of, but after awhile it gets a lot easier. I was really burnt out after my last two jobs and he told me to take some time off (after I quit my last job)…I was fine with that, I had plenty of stuff to do. At first I worried about losing my sense of independence, but it hasn’t become an issue…at all. I was used to paying my own way for everything and actually this is a relief. I don’t have to scrimp and save for things and I can do what I want. The sense of freedom is terrific, not having a regular job is freeing. I would suggest keeping your work options open, in case you get bored. I have a bunch of hobbies to keep me busy, but I tend to be lazy about other things (h o u s e w o r k )…because I can. : )

I am happy, I get to stay with our dogs & cats all day, garden, play with my toys, what could be better?

3

I’ll tell you a story about my best friend, she always had to work for everything and such, just like you. A few years ago she met a man and they got married. He makes a comfortable living and told her the same thing;she doesn’t have to work. Unfortunately he now tells her when she can and can’t travel (to see me)what she can and can’t buy and so on. I don’t know your man, but I really thought that her man was a nice guy until she totally relinquished control to him. Plus it’s nice to get out of the house for awhile. I don’t really know what the point of my story is, or if it will even help. I hope so, anyway. I’ll shut up now.

4

Considering the state of my finances, being a kept boy is looking more and more attractive about now.

5

Be careful. My former SO inherited almost half a million dollars; she spent most of it at Red Lobster, and another healthy chunk on loans to people we all knew would never pay her back. She refused to get even a token job, and thus paid a lot in estimated quarterly taxes. I tried to keep her from blowing it all, even on me, but it’s too much work to keep track of the money of an irresponsible person who won’t do it herself. She’s broke now, last I heard.

6

I can understand where you are coming from. I recently got married. I can’t see myself not working and depending on someone else for what I want. I’m having a problem getting past the point of watching every dime I spend, since that’s not the case any more. My husband has no problem just going out and buying what he wants, and for the last 10 years while I have not been dirt poor I’ve had some tight times. I know that you can’t live in the future, but every time I see him buy some needless little trinket that he wants but could do without I cringe inside. I keep thinking that money could have been put in savings in case something happens like I get sick or something.
He has a regular income, plus he has a side hobby that he makes decent money doing. So his suggestion to me was that he give me his regular check to put in my account for bills, savings, etc. and he would keep his hobby money to buy his toys with, if I would just not fuss at him about money.
This is a good idea, but one that makes me feel guilty because I’m taking his check every month.
I don’t see myself not working, I just don’t think I could deal with the stress and worry of not having my own steady income. Don’t know why I posted this long story except to let you know that most women in your position find it hard to give up even a little of their independence, me for instance.

7

A little sage advice: You think the love will last forever now. And I hope that it will. However, for your sake you should never assume that divorce is out of the question for you. Allowing yourself to be completely dependent on another person is risky. You’re already emotionally dependent on him, as he is to you. To be financially dependent on him brings about a certain imbalance to the relationship – one that I would find disconcerting.

My advice to you would be to always keep your foot in the door: If you don’t want to remain working full-time, at least maintain job connections. Keep your job skills and licenses current by keeping up with technology.

My husand is the breadwinner of the family. As his income has increased, mine has decreased in order to spend time with the kids, maintain the home, etc. However, I still work part-time, even though we don’t need my income. The reason is self-esteem. I need to know that I can support myself and my kids no matter what the future brings. I may never need to go back to work full-time to support myself. But it feels good knowing that I can.

8

Besides, you never know what the future brings. He could drop dead the next day, or get sued for bijillions. He could decide to drop you (knock wood).

So definitely keep up your skills and find something productive to do. If you are good with handling money, helping him keep track of it could give you some bennies. My wife is a wiz at saving and stretching a buck through frugal practices.

(BTW, before we married, she was making more money as a naval officer than I was as a copy editor. Sure wish she could have stayed in the Navy another couple of years. :slight_smile: )

9

A coupla things I’ve gotten from experience (my SO is not loaded, but he’s okay, and I married him after being a poor grad student for years):

** whether or not you need income for yourself, you have to plan for retirement. If you haven’t already and have the cash, set aside money now. Or if you do elect to work (despite not “needing” to), try to either get into a retirement plan or, with SO’s blessing, use your earnings to put into retirement savings. No matter what happens in the future, it’s a huge safety net and you’ll be glad for it. If you’re already set for retirement or have started, forgive my preaching to the choir!

** Find a way to feel needed and useful. This is more psychological than anything, but I found that it matters a lot to me. Find something you can do that money can’t buy. Yes, I can hear all those fellow Dopers immediately snickering and thinking of stuff in the bedroom (heh heh) but this can also be something more pedestrian like making good brownies, keeping a gorgeous flower garden, throwing kick-ass parties, or having a knack for buying shirts that look great on SO.

** Find ways to be thrifty, even if you don’t have to. If you feel like you’re saving the household money, you’ll feel good, and less like a drain. Of course you should enjoy the luxury of splurging on some things, but I suspect you’ll also crow over the small economies on others. Plus, it will feel more like you, if you’ve been scrimping all your life.

10

Cool, some thoughful answers, you guys are great.

Ultress…girlfriend, we’re on the same page! Mr Carina is actually fairly thrifty & unpretentious about money & things. Sounds like Mr Ultress is being quite reasonable, but I definitely understand your “guilt” feelings. I think mine are irrational & we’ve talked about it…but so much of my self worth is connected to owning a business & working.

Cranky & others…great advice…I am keeping my home in Denver as a rental & usually double the payments so it should be paid off by the time I’m 50. I’m not burning any bridges as far as work, connections, or skills. I don’t want to get into this relationship with an expectation that it may end, one way or the other, but I am pragmatic.

Cap’n…SO is not a spendthrift. He has invested wisely & could retire now & live fairly comfortably for the rest of his life. He does have his extravagances, but drives a '96 Escort to work, shops at clearance sales & outlet centers, & likes to make a game out of getting really good deals. His income is all from work (he’s a doctor) and some income property.

We have probably the most egalitarian relationship I’ve ever had with anyone else, so I’m not worried about him trying to control me or anything. I’m not terribly acquistive or materialistic anyway…the thought of belonging to a country club or driving a Lexus SUV just because makes me gag. I think the issue is more my need to be “the boss”, and fear of capitulation & of not feeling productive.

Cranky…I quit my main volunteer “job” almost two years ago. I really miss it, and definitely plan to start doing more volunteer work…you are so right about it being satisfying.

Boscibo…I hope to get OK with it & not feel guilty about not having an income & just being able to explore. Good for you! I am thinking I should work enough to at least cover my own extravagances (SO nearly fainted when he came shopping with me for sunglasses. I admit to being a sunglass snob.) But I don’t like thinking of parameters in a relationship as “mine” or “yours,” rather “ours.” It just seems it would be funny to expect someone else to shell out for stuff like $150 sunglasses tyhat they think is a frivolous expense.

Remember, I’ve been on the other side, too. I paid for every bill & every everything when I was with the ex Mr Carina, and would get irritated if I felt he had done something financially irresposible.

Maybe I should quit whining about my “problems” & relax a bit…!

matt…I know a verrrrry very rich 50 yr old guy who would really like a kept man around! But I figure there’s a reason he is still single…however if you get to Denver let me know & I’ll hook you up. :wink: