I don’t see either of my kids committing murder or anything else truly unforgivable, but if they did… I would LIKE to believe I would cooperate with police and refuse to harbor the culprit but I don’t know what I’d do if it really happened. Would I wipe out my life savings getting the kid a lawyer? (seeing aging in-laws with no resources, my hard line would be no, but again, what would I do in reality?).
I already said in the other thread that I would probably get my kid an attorney (and yes, would use up my life savings) and cooperate with LE. I just wanted to add that parents who DO help their kids escape or who do things like sanitizing the murder scene would almost certainly be charged as accessories.
My job as a parent is to help my kids grow up to be decent human beings and to instill the qualities that will help them face and cope with the inevitable bad stuff that comes their way. Maybe parents who insist they’d help their kids avoid the consequences of their actions forget that their kids won’t have always have Mom or Dad around to cover for them. Or maybe they lack integrity.
I think the question is a bit abstract since as a typical middle-class (or lower) income parent, what could you actually “do” or “not do” to protect your kid from legal troubles?
Are you in a position to destroy evidence or commit perjury on their behalf?
Can you give them $10,000 in cash and be like “now you are dead to me”?
Do you have money and connections to hide them somewhere in the world without an extradition treaty and funnel them money and other resources? Maybe even buy off judges or intimidate witnesses?
Good point, msmith. Maybe a subset of this question is “How much would you be able to excuse/forgive if your offspring was accused of a crime?” I mean, if you’re protecting them, presumably it’s either because you believe in their innocence, or you think they did it but it doesn’t trump your love for them.
Well, there’s the classic news appearance stating “my baby wasn’t in a gang - he was just an unemployed dropout with lots of money” to writing the judge saying your kid’s future shouldn’t be ruined for “10 minutes of fun” where the fun was raping someone else’s kid while unconscious. Working jury duty in Chicago, I saw parents lie on the stand, hide evidence, and attempt to arrange for their kid to live with relatives in another state after he shot someone for asking directions.
In short, I don’t think the available resources matter - parents will work with what they’ve got at hand.
Agreed. And I really, really get where parents who do this stuff are coming from, but it’s a terrible attitude that does the kid no favors. One day you won’t be around to lie, hide evidence, or sanitize a murder scene, and then what is your kid, your “Mom and Dad will fix this” kid who has never developed any inner resources because you took care of everything threatening or unpleasant, what will he or she do?
It is indeed an abstract question, as msmith537 noted.
I guess, to me, it would depend on a) how heinous the crime was, and b) whether I thought the kid guilty of it.
Shoplifting: I doubt I’d drag my kid down to the police station if I found he’d swiped something. Not sure what I would do about it - presumably some kind of anonymous restitution to the store, plus life would not be good for him at home for quite a while. But if he was caught by store security, my involvement would mainly be to keep things from escalating out of proportion to the crime.
Sex offenses / murder / other crimes involving bodily injury, I could see basically washing my hands of the kid (assuming I believed he or she had actually done it). If I could afford it, I might hire a lawyer to make sure he/she received a fair trial. I don’t honestly know if I could have an ongoing relationship with the kid afterward (prison visits etc.). There are just some things that cannot be forgiven.
I do not believe I would lie about / for the kid, nor help the kid escape justice. I don’t know if I’d actively impede his/her fleeing - e.g. if I saw him/her stuffing a change of clothes and a bunch of cash into a backpack.
Fortunately, the closest we’ve had to a run-in with the law was many years back; nothing remotely illegal was going on, but my son used to love to go to the zoo when he had a day off of school. On one such visit, DC schools were in session, and a policeman stopped him at the zoo and asked why he was not in school. Thankfully, my son did not panic and run; he answered truthfully and the officer let him go on his way. Had he panicked, I could easily see it escalating into a chase and takedown involving tasers, chokeholds etc. (still gives me the shivers, 10+ years later).
There was a high profile case some decades ago around here where the parents did exactly that. They basically destroyed the family to save their son (who was imprisoned in Israel, and managed to continue to prove he was a waste of space). I think their rationale was that he would have been a candidate for the death penalty.
When my kids were little, I initially taught them “the policeman is your friend”, but then I wised up and taught them “I want to talk to my parents or lawyer” if confronted by the police. I had a cop friend talk to them (in uniform) and explain that the police were not necessarily on their side.
When my daughter was 15 (?) her mom took her to a classmates house, dropping her off for a party, unaware that the kid’s parents were out of town and there was alcohol present. My daughter, once aware of the details, left the party and began walking three miles home.
The police eventually raided the party and those present ran in all directions. My daughter was picked up 1/2 mile from home in the sweep the cops were doing. She refused to speak to the cop, other than to give her name and her parents’ phone numbers. She was charged with disorderly conduct.
I got a lawyer (my friend) who offered to teach my daughter about the legal system. He interviewed my daughter, filed all the paperwork to fight the charges, and did a “mock trial” thing so she would be comfortable in court.
In court, my daughter was represented by her attorney and a second attorney who played the role of second chair, handing my (and his) friend whatever he needed, when he needed it. They kicked ass. My daughter was found not guilty, although the judge told her that merely being there when alcohol was present could interfere with her getting a driver’s license. The cop apologized to her and to me, and addressed the court, explaining that my daughter probably shouldn’t have been charged.
The young adult daughter (so this is reverse) of a murderer perjured herself royally to paint her stepmother (the murder victim and battered wife) as a violent, dangerous person. Fortunately the evidence to the contrary from other witnesses (including my mother) was overwhelming. This was over 30 years ago, and the attitude of the cops toward domestic abuse was just sickening.
Our neighbors paid a few thousand dollars the parents of a kid that their teenage granddaughter and her boyfriend beat up pretty severely (required hospitalization and surgery) to discourage the victim from cooperating with the police and prosecution. There may have been other intimidation involved, I don’t know. The father of the hoodlum was related to a cop in town (brothers in law). Since these were juveniles, I don’t know if this was successful as any prosecution would be private.
To all outside appearances these were “normal middle class families” until they weren’t. And in the second case, continued to appear normal.
I think I would mount the most vigorous legal defense possible. If f the whole situation seemed fairly victimless and redressable via insurance or restitution, I might break laws to get them out of a scrape. Like - I’m not covering up an assault, because someone obviously got hurt. Petty drug stuff or property damage… I would at least consider cutting some moral corners.
I can’t say exactly what I’d do, but I expect I’d have a lot of moral flexibility when it comes to looking out for my kid. But I wouldn’t feel good about it, and I hope it never comes to that.
Depends on the deed and the motive. If I agree with the motive, I’d do anything to keep my kid out of the “Justice System” no matter what they did. If kid is being a thug I’ll watch him/her twist in the wind. They know this.
Just reminiscing about when my son was six years old (22 years ago) and used the phrase Po-Po. We were in my Jeep driving somewhere and he said, “Yo, Pops, Po-Po at 3 o’clock”. I looked in the direction of 3 o’clock and saw a cop car. Learned new slang.
My son is married with children, in Florida, working in a prison where he is a Sargent.