What would you tell your 21 year old self?

In My Humble Opinion
81
  1. For pity’s sake: Get your driver’s license already.
  2. Talk to your professors: see if one of them has an idea for doing research with that free money. don’t let it go to waste.
  3. Don’t go to grad school(yet) Get a “real” job first and see what you want to do with your life!
  4. go ahead, try out for the musicals, just cause they didn’t want you as a freshman doesn’t mean they still don’t want you now.
  5. It is OK not to know what you want to do with your life.
82

  1. Next year when you meet that cute red-headed baton twirler . . . RUN!!!

  2. Save every dime you can get your hands on. Watch for the name M-I-C-R-O-S-O-F-T.

  3. Keep it in your pants, Stupid!

  4. Wait 8 years. Her name is Diana. She’ll be worth the wait.

  5. Finish college. It does matter.

83

Learn how to eat better so you can keep the weight off, stupid bitch. You’re the only one who controls what goes in your stomach. Your life will improve vastly when you’re 118 pounds; trust me.

84

  1. Don’t drink if you don’t think you can stop soon enough.

  2. If you have to fight too hard for that boy, he’s not worth it. Plus, he ends up dying young.

  3. Fine, sleep around if you must, but be more discreet.

  4. You just think your ambitious. Quitting college and going to Katherine Gibbs might not be such a bad thing.

  5. Learn to drive, moron! You are going to HATE NY.

  6. Mom is a jerk. Don’t think you can count on her.

85

I would go back to my 21st birthday (Christmas Eve, 1996), which was the absolute worst day of my life …

  1. Yes, you broke up a month ago. Yes, there’s a chance you’ll get back together. But at 6 p.m. tonight he is going to call to say “Merry Christmas,” and have absolutely no clue that it’s your birthday. You’re better off without him–and don’t keep sleeping with him for the next four years just because you’re lonely and he might care.

  2. Go back to school. Right now. Do not wait. You’ll never do it if you don’t do it now.

  3. Go home. Stop living on friends’ couches, it is not a good idea to spend the next two months living out of your car. Mom and Dad will take you in, and you can move out as soon as you have the money. Get the hell out of Maine, it makes you crazy. In New Jersey, everyone’s crazy, you’ll fit in.

  4. On November 22, 2002, the best friend you won’t meet until next year will be killed by a drunk driver. Find a way to make her stay home that night.

  5. I know you’re depressed. Seek help, it’ll get better. Don’t start eating. In case you haven’t noticed, you’ve been so depressed that you’ve lost 30 pounds since Thanksgiving. Keep it off. (If nothing else, it will help your sex life!)

86

Okay, this may reveal the true abysmal depths of my own personal silliness and flights of fancy, but I actually wrote down a series of winning lottery numbers around the time of a record jackpot two years ago… just in case I were ever able to travel back in time to give them to my younger self.

I do silly things like that all the time though.

Hmmm. 21 year old self?

“Get out more. A little more, anyway.”
“The surge protector only helps your computer if ALL the peripherals are routed through it, dummy. You know this.”
“I’m looking for Sarah Connor.” - Both me-now and me-21 would get a chuckle out of it, if nothing else.

87

  1. Your 21’st birthday was October 5, 1962. Find a way to warn John F. Kennedy to stay away from Texas for a couple of years.

  2. Stop feeding your face. You have no idea how much your feet are going to hurt in 41 years from hauling all that weight around.

  3. Quit smoking NOW!

  4. Computers are coming. Computers are coming!

88

To my future 21-year-old self:

  1. I’ll bet you still get pimples and can’t fit a regular bra. Hahaha. Loser.
  2. Have you found a new best friend yet? Or still looking for a heart of gold?
  3. Have you gotten the f*ck over the sexual identity thing yet? You’re straight, okay?
  4. Regarding everything, but especially 1-3: Stop worrying. Really. It’ll be fine.
  5. While I’m here, let’s go shopping. I want a really, really new computer.
89

You’re going through a lot of ups and downs right now. Here’s why: you take things too seriously and you’re too judgmental of yourself. It’s OK that you don’t know what you want to do with your life; a lot of people don’t at 21, or even 41 for that matter. What’s not OK is not leveling with yourself (and those close to you who might help) about it.

So level with yourself about who and what you are. Then accept and be that person.

Lighten up a bit. Neither God nor the world nor other people are asking as much of you as you think they are.

Other people accept you more than you realize. You don’t have to be so unsure of yourself around others.

Those girls who seem to maybe, sorta like you? Most of them probably do, but you’ll never find out unless you do something about it. Looking back, you’ll never regret having been involved with any of the women you were involved with, but you will regret having not pursued the ones you didn’t. And don’t worry about not knowing what you’re doing romantically. Don’t be afraid to fall on your face now. You’ll get better with practice, but only with practice. So get some.

And by the way, it’s OK to be both a Christian and a sex pervert. God has no problem with it. Really. And far more women fantasize about the same sort of stuff you do than you’d ever imagine.

Speaking of getting better with practice, you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The best way to learn is to try stuff that might be at least somewhat in the ballpark, and finding out what you like and dislike about it. Then try again from there.

But a year or two out of college, think about applying at the Census Bureau. They like people with math degrees, and about that time, they’re gonna be hiring a lot of young, intelligent people like you as entry-level statisticians as the 1980 Census approaches. You’ll all be thrown together to work on interesting stuff, and you’ll have a good time, learn a lot, and make some good friends. After the Census is over, you can think about what you want to do next.

Insert list of investment and betting opportunities here.

In the mid-1990s, move to Palm Beach County, FL, if you can. Get on the local board of elections. When a former Republican named Theresa LePore comes up with a weird design for a ballot where you vote for the first, second, third, etc. candidates listed on the left by punching the first, third, fifth, etc. holes, STOP HER.

90

Ok, you’ve piqued my curiosity. Care to elaborate?

91

  1. Things with your girlfriend will be very bad next year. But stick it out, and you’ll be happy with the results.

  2. Credit is important

  3. Even more important, though: do everything you possibly can to save enough money so that you always have more than enough to pay your bills each month. A little bit of saving early on will keep you from the stress of living paycheck to paycheck.

  4. You’re on the right career track. Keep juggling all of those balls, that seem completely unrelated. They all come together eventually.

92

Really? Any lawyer? How come?

93

Sorry…haven’t read all the replies…
Has anyone said Last Wednesdays powerball numbers?

94

  1. Leave the moron you are with now. He hasn’t yet, but he will hit you, the very moment you actually get the courage up to disagree with him on something. He will turn into a very scary person - you can and will get through it. Do it NOW.

  2. You will find a new man very shortly afterward, who will make you feel like you are floating on top of a cloud, because he treats you so much better than the first guy. You will get engaged to him and fly out to visit him. Don’t fall too hard for it. The only thing worth taking from this new relationship is this guy’s best friend. You must have this awful relationship just so you can meet this guy. Your precious fiance will cheat on you - he will come out of nowhere, tell you he can’t marry you, then move in with a new girl all within a couple of weeks. Get angry about it now, not later. Keep some of your dignity. It gets more than better if you hang in there - you get the most perfect revenge of all - living well.

  3. Stop being so wishy-washy over the guy who keeps calling you, and taking good care of you! This man really does love you! This is the ex-fiance’s best friend, and stop worrying that it would be wrong, or weird, or that you’re just too damn hurt to want to be in another relationship. This guy has met you, knows all of your faults and flaws, and still thinks you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. He will marry you - and he will never do you wrong. He will be your knight in shining armour. It won’t be the rollercoaster thrill-ride you think love should be, but it will be the most comfortable, comforting, loving, safe feeling you will ever have. And the sex will finally, finally be great, and not hurt!

  4. Og damnit, SAVE YOUR MONEY, FOOL!

  5. Your brother will be one of the best friends you ever have. Treat him nicer. If anything ever happened to you, he would hit them with his big stick. It’s made of bamboo and it hurts.

  6. Someday, you will actually miss your Mom and Dad. And your Dad really does love you, even if he doesn’t say it or show it the way you think he should. You will find out for yourself when you’re at the airport, about to fly 3000 miles away from them to make a new life for yourself.

  7. You’ll be okay. You have to go through most of this mess just so you will be okay - but I promise you, you will.

  8. Trust me. He’ll call you every day, bring you flowers, actually respect you. You have to trust me on this, though I know it’s very hard. You are very stubborn. That never changes. Embrace it - it can be good, sometimes, too. Sometimes.

  9. Cut your hair, you’re going to hate the way it just hangs there - you won’t see how bad it looks until you get some nice pictures done with your husband.

  10. Don’t move in with April, I don’t care how nice she seems. She’s a user, a manipulator, and takes most of your money, then blames you or claims you owe her. She’s also quite a pig, and you will be her slave! Think “Cinderella”. I’m serious. She’s a big woman, she can push you around. She’s very scary. If you do find yourself in that situation, your white knight of a husband will rescue you - just hang on. But please, just try not to get involved with that to begin with.

  11. You’re more loved than you realise.

  12. You’re stuck at that job for a while, just save your money.

  13. It’s going to hurt. Love yourself a little more.

95

Okay, We’ve established I’m you 15 years from now. Now I have some advice:

I’m not telling you nuthin’. Stuff will hurt, stuff will be scary, but you’ll turn out all right, and end up further ahead than you ever thought you would.

You will turn out right, but it’ll hurt getting there. Unfortunately, you need the pain.

96

Don’t get back together with her. She never loved you for what you are, but what she thinks you should be. You’ll be there for her; but will she for you? Unfortunately, no: She’ll use you, be unfaithful to you, and ultimately discard you, at a time in your life when you most need a friend to support you. You have never experienced betrayal of this magnitude, and it will break your heart; you’ll never be the same afteward.

There are other women out there; good women; women who would, at the very least, show you the common courtesy of breaking things off before moving on. First loves are meant to be remembered, and to be learned from; not relived. Don’t try.

97
  1. He’s a good guy, but don’t get serious with him. You just got out of a long relationship, you need fun- not a commitment.
  2. I know you’re bored in college, but suck it up and finish.
  3. Lose your plan to be a teacher NOW. You’ve already switched from Elem to Secondary, but it’s not for you. You know you want to be a librarian. Go for it.
  4. Get over being bitter about the world. No one appreciates the Miss Doom N Gloom attitude.
  5. Relax. Don’t be so serious. Take road trips. Explore the world.
  6. Just because you can go to the bar, you don’t need to go to the bar.
  7. You DO need to be there when P crashes and burns, even though you don’t like it. If you don’t you’ll regret it. She’s your friend. Just be there.
98

Happy Birthday.

99

  1. Work out more. Change your eating habits now.

  2. Throw away your credit cards, for God’s sake.

  3. Have fun dating because you’re not going to meet the love of your life, for five years, so no pressure!

  4. The Blue Jays are going to win the World Series again next year. They’re going to beat the Phillies in six games. Get to Vegas and bet as much as you can on them.

  5. Take all the winnings and invest it in Cisco, Netscape, and Amazon.com. Yes, that’s a period and “com.” Don’t ask what it means, just do it. In 1999, sell every single share and invest it all in a company called Halliburton.

100

Hey…dude…put down the bong for a second and listen to what I’m telling you.

Cut off the f*cking dreads. You look like an idiot.

Oh, by the way, you will take a long strange twisting path to get to where you are, existentially speaking, near the end of 2004. Don’t sweat it, it turns out pretty damn good.

And put down the f*cking bong already.