What's Good For The Goose...

I got a free pass from my wife, The Angel of Death to play golf last Sunday morning. Since it was Mother’s Day I took the very first tee time at 7:30 AM. Sinc eI was playing solo I got hooked up with two other players.

All went well on the front 9, and I surprised myself by playing decently. Holes 14 and 15 run parralel to each other, separated by a little water. We teed off on 14 and saw that there were maybe 100 geese with maybe twice that many goslings resting on the fairway. We were the first ones playing that day so they were all grouped together, resting peacefully and sedately. When my partner approached though he hot attacked. He had to abandon his handcart and come running back.

Now I had recently purchased a Lektronic Dynasteer Kaddy. This is a small remote controlled cart that carries your bag of clubs and you can steer at a distance with a remote control. It’s very cool, and I got it cheap and used on Ebay. I grabbed a wedge from my bag for self-defense purposes and, using the remote control feature I sent my cart ahead to confront the geese. I found that by steering the cart smoothly and slowly on the fringes of the flock of geese I was able to herd the off the fairway in a peaceful and appropriate fashion that not even the most rabid member of PETA could object to. I was being very mature and responsible.

“Dude, that thing is awesome!” Said my partner who had been attacked. “You should have driven right into the middle of them and really chased the off.”

“That would have been cool!” Said my other partner.

I smiled. We finished the hole and teed off on number 15.

Of course, the geese I’d herded off 14 were now all hanging out on 15.

“Dude, send your robot down!” Said my partner (we’ll call him Beavis)

“Get them!” Said my other partner (we’ll call him Butthead.)

So, I sent my cart tearing down the fairway at full speed straight down the fairway, dead into the center of the herd of geese, and there little babies. Several of the adults attempted to intercept, and intimidate my robot by flapping there wings at it, hissing, and what have you, but my Dynastee Lektronic Kaddy was unfazed by their pathetic display. The geese panicked running in all different directions, mothers separated from their young, every goose for itself.

I will freely admit that i was enjoying the goosepocalypse I’d precipitated, and was soaking in the enthusiastic admiration of my Beavis and Butthead.

Terrorizing geese is fun! I knew it was wrong, but so what? Thoroughly enjoying myself I was steering the cart left and right chasing the poor creatures in madcap fashion with my mechanized death machine.

Briefly, the thought went through my head that this must be what it is like to pilot an armed drone and instill terror and fear and mayhem at a distance with no personal risk.


Now 75 yards or so away from me, I turned the kaddy towards the main mass of birds and barreled at them full speed… And directly over the previously unseen ledge and into the water hazard.

15 minutes later I was now soaked from having to wade into the hazard and pull my cart out. I turned the bag upside down to dumb the water out. Beavis and Butthead had abandoned me to complete the round. Other players passed by and either pretended to notice me, or gave me half hidden smirks. The cart was dead. Robots and water don’t mix (though it would later come back to life and work fine.). My iPhone was totally destroyed. Without power I had to push the heavy cart and waterlogged bag back to my car.

Now, I mostly try to be a good person. I mostly try to be responsible. I believe in a Karma, and I believe that you end up paying for the sins you commit in this life. However, I don’t think I’ve seen the wheels of Karma spin quite So quickly before.

I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife, or if you pay for your sins in some kind of purgatory. If there is, I am sure that I will have many things to answer for. On the bright side though, I don’t think I will be doing any time for cruelty to geese. I’d like to think I paid for this one upfront.

Upon further reflection, I can’t help but think the world would be a better place (or at least I’d be better) if the universe were to institute an “instant karmic justice” policy.

Like the wheels of a robo-caddy suddenly bereft of earthly friction.

I see we’re in MPSIMS, so I won’t comment.

I will.

It’s good to see you back, buddy. :slight_smile:

↑ ↑ ↑ Just what I was thinking.

And I too think there are many times instant karma would be oh so great with some… :cool:

All the rules about karma and the like are non-applicable in the case of geese, which are the most villainous birds this side of bluejays. Remember, geese are direct descendants from pigeons, and we all know they are Satan’s minions. Geese get what they deserve. Try petting one if you don’t believe me.

Well, things could have been worse, ya know.

Because you might have tried to to chase the geese with your blimp…


You screwed with babies on Mother’s Day. Of COURSE karma was going tonoivkbyour ass immediately.

That’s an appropriate typo. You’d certainly dumbed the water in.

I’d add a smiley to indicate no offense was meant, but I’m a relic from the alt.folklore.urban group and the culture there was death on emoticons. If you used one somebody would always offer suggestions about how to clean up the line noise at the end of the message. Anyway, no offense is meant.

Instant karmic justice could be a good thing, but I think karma occasionally likes to take its time and wait for that perfect moment.

You’ll get no trouble from me for harassing geese, and I don’t think karma was punishing you for that, because karma knows geese are evil*. Instead, you were punished for succumbing to peer pressure

My parents used to live near a pond that had a lot of Canada geese and their goslings. I would sometimes feed bread to these geese. I saw one of the parents take bread from their own goslings. I also had geese move aggressively toward me when I wasn’t making with the bread fast enough for their satisfaction. Between these actions and the huge amounts of poo, I agree that geese are evil.

You’re not in Canada or the far northern US, are you? Non-migratory Canada geese are particularly evil.

By posting a comment in a thread saying that you won’t post a comment in a thread, you have created a paradox. Now that paradox is out there on its own, without restraint or control, screwing up all of logic, our systems of thought, while repercussing geometrically throughout the space time continuum awaiting resolution, and breeding further paradoxes, until the weight of their combined illogic crumbles upon itself into a passive - aggressive black hole
I’d say something about this, but this is MPSIMS.

I believe that it is quite suited for this forum. :slight_smile:

A fine story and well told. Bravo, good Sir.

But why did you lose a phone in the deal? Did you have it in a pocket of your golf bag or did you go wading without emptying your pants pockets?

Geez, I wish my Angel of Death would let me play golf on Mother’s Day with a Beavis and Butthead and chase migratory birds with remote-controlled electronic devices across unpredictable topography.

I’m trying to remember now… what did I do?

Thank you. I have a GPS/scorecard app on my iPhone, Swing by Swing Golf. I have the iPhone mounted on my cart with a clever little bracket.

I’d be careful about describing anything as “clever” for the near future.

The real shame is you didn’t think to activate the phone’s video camera before launching the Immortal Charge of the Robot Kaddy Brigade. I’m surprised neither Beavis nor Butthead thought to suggest this. I would have, had I been there.

Then you could have YouTubed your video of the Kaddy madly scattering the geese and ended up like these fine citizens:

Part 1: Men Filmed Chillin’ With a Owl Were Violatin’ Migratory Bird Treaty Act – Lowering the Bar
Part 2: Chillin’ With a Owl: Followup – Lowering the Bar

Karma is even more of a bitch when the Feds join in the beat-down. :smack::smiley:

I agree. Geese are jerks.

So, what didja shoot?