What's in your house?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Don’t let the cats out, no matter how much they look at the door and meow.

When you sit down, be prepared for the one cat to sit in your lap and the labrador to sit rightnext to you. They’re very friendly. The other cat is a snob.

When you let the dog in, watch out - she runs in quickly for a drink and will knock you over.

Feel free to have a nice long hot shower. We have a 50-gallon water heater.

The dining room light is screwed up. Two lights don’t work any more, so don’t bother trying to change the bulbs.

Yes, there’s something in the attic; squirrels or bats or both. We keep meaning to get around to finding out what it is and getting rid of them, but they can’t get down here, so just ignore the occassional scampering noise.

Don’t touch the light switch in the master bedroom. It doesn’t control the ceiling light. It turns off the outlet the clock-radio is plugged into. The tape is over it for a reason. (I’m looking at you, Mom.)

After you eat, and you put your dishes in the sink, all food must be put down the disposal right away, or the dog will jump up and eat it out of the sink.

The toilet lid needs to be put down after every use, so the dog doesn’t drink out of it.

If you see legless cricket bodies on the floor, please clean them up. The cats dismember them as little gifts for us. Praise them, then dispose of the bodies.

If you hear a cat puking, call the dog. She’ll happily clean up cat barf.

22

If you blow the circuit in the upstairs bathroom, you have to reset the GFCI in the bathroom downstairs. Ditto with the outlet on the deck.

Run the hot water in the morning for at least five minutes or you won’t get hot water for a shower.

Mr2U has a beer mug that only he is allowed to drink out of. Do not touch his mug. He is quick to anger.

23

The front hall light is controlled by a switch just inside the front door. The switch at the living room end of the hall controls a wall outlet that has the computer, printer, monitor, desk lamp and wireless mouse recharging unit plugged into it. Please don’t touch this switch.

If you need to use the iron, turn off the AC first. If both are on at the same time, the circuit will overload.

The switch for the overhead light in the bathroom is on the wall behind the door, under the towel bar. I don’t know why.

If you hear a doorbell, it probably means that one of the neighbors is moving something big up or down the back stairs, and accidentally leaned against the button. Don’t bother to answer.

The guy on the ground floor leaves his front door ajar at all times. I don’t know why.

If I’m in a nasty mood when I get home from work, it probably means that some stranger has parked in my assigned parking space, and I had to park on the street. Again. Remind me to keep checking on the intruder so I don’t accidentally leave my car on the street overnight and get a ticket. Again.

24

The bathtub is hooked up to a separate hot water heater that gets very very very hot. Watch out. If you turn on the shower, it doesn’t turn off until you turn off the water, then hit the knob that makes it go back to the bathtub, then turn on the water and then turn it off. Since the water is so hot anyway, it’s easier to take baths, since the bathtub is very large and very deep.

There’s a secret panel in the bedroom wall that leads to a storage room. I put a poster over it so I could find it. It’s a nice sleeping place.

25

We tell guests not to wear dark clothing unless you bring a lint brush. I have two light-colored dogs which shed in copious amounts.

Walk carefully in the backyard. Not only are there poo “landmines” but the little dog is a compulsive digger, and those holes are ankle-twisters.

26

  1. If you see a thing on the floor that looks like a cat poop, it probably is just a hairball.

  2. If you get up in the dark of night and step on something squishy, see #2.

27

Hmm - I have this odd configuration in my downstairs bathroom. Your place wasn’t built by Pulte was it?

28

The Fire station is about a block away, you will here sirens a few times at night. You’ll tune it out.

The light switch and ceiling fan in the master bedroom doesn’t work.

If you want to preheat the oven, empty it of all the pans first.

The floorboards upstairs squeak quite a bit. You get used to it. Watch your step.

Yes, the doors in the back bedroom is broken, and looks like it was cut by someone with no sense of what a rectangle is and has gaps on both the top and bottom. We are replacing it, but since the walls are thicker than normal, we had to special order the pre-hung door units and they will take time.

29

So, just shut it right the first time. If you try to pussy foot it, you’re going to have to do it over and over, and you’ll eventually wind up at “firmly” anyway.

30

Oh, yes, guests in my house must supply their own lint rollers. Those big round ones with sticky paper that tears off seem to work best. We have a black cat, a black and white cat and a yellow dog. Choose your clothes accordingly.

31

Interesting that the vast majority of these notes are cat-related.

Chez JerH, one needs to remember not to leave food unattended in the living room, even for a minute, as Rupert the Wonder Beagle will regard it as abandoned property and eat it.

The ceiling fans in the house are split about evenly between those that you need to have the wall switch turned on to use, those that are hard-wired, and those that don’t work at all. It’s fun to figure out which is which!

Leave the light next to the side door turned on all night - it helps keep the raccoons away from the dog door.

Always put the cinder block on top of the outside garbage can; see “raccoons”, above.

32

I’d prefer guests eat in the dining room, however; if you’d like to eat in the living room so you can watch TV while you eat, be prepared to have Molly the Wonder Lab sit rightnext to you while you eat. And stare at you with those big brown eyes. And sigh heavily, as if to say, “They never feed me. I’m starving!” Don’t believe her.

If you’d like to eat in peace, eat in the dining room.

33

Please do not feed Lou. We’ll do it, and take care of medicine at the same time. Yes, there’s an open bag of cat food sitting out all the time. Lou is dumber than a sack of hammers. Despite the anguished yowls, Lou is not starving to death. Lou has not yet died of starvation while waiting for 7:00 AM or 7:00 PM to roll around.

I hope you do not plan on sleeping past 6:30 AM or so.

Lou’s belly is bait. Do not rub the belly, no matter how soft and enticing it looks, unless you want to pull back a bloody stump.

There’s a sign on the toaster oven that says, “Is the microwave on?” There’s a sign on the microwave that says, “Is the toaster oven on?” I’ll be happy to show you where the circuit breakers are in the basement if you turn them on at the same time.

The oven sets off the fire alarm and the carbon monoxide detector. (Don’t worry, nobody’s going to suffocate while you’re baking cookies. At least . . . nobody has yet.) Remove the batteries if you use the oven, but don’t forget to put them back in. Better yet, use the toaster oven instead whenever possible. Just make sure that microwave isn’t on.

There’s a paperclip sitting next to the network router. Poke it into the little hole on the back of the router to reboot it when the internets aren’t working.

34

Don’t touch my drums.
Really.
I mean it.

The cymbals, too.
Well, that goes for ALL of my percussion instruments.
AND the Digeridoo.
Yes, the cowbell IS off-limits too.

No… not the hand-drums either.

Yes, I REALLY am serious about it.

I know you’re not PLANNING to bust 'em up; but humor me please.

Yes, I KNOW that you just saw my four-year-old son playing them.
He’s allowed.

That’s right… no, you’re NOT allowed.

Because, THAT’S the way I want it.

35

:smiley: Do you live in my house? We have the same arrangement. Damn '50s wiring. Two outlets for all the appliances. I have a power strip in one, and the under-the-counter TV in the other. It’s a fire waiting to happen. :wink:
The kitchen’s the one room we haven’t gotten around to fixing yet and it’s the one room that really needs it.

36

Keep an eye on anything baking, and especially on the toaster. The slightest bit of smoke will set off our hypersensitive fire-alarms. It is a sound from Hell, maddening, piercing, shrill misery. You’ll find a sign saying how to deactivate them pasted downstairs. Read it now; when the alarm goes off, you won’t be able to read, let alone to think straight.

Close the drawer in the kitchen by swinging your hip against it. Your hip has to make an upturn mid-swing, and end with a downwards push. Here, let me show you.

Mind your head; all our ceilings are slanted.

37

Turn off the air conditioner before using the microwave, toaster, or iron. The circuit breakers haven’t actually tripped yet, but I’m not taking any chances.

The oven smells odd when it’s first turned on. I have no idea why. Just wait and eventually the tasty food smells will overpower it.

The wide-bore pipes running up through the bathroom and the corner of the dining room are steam pipes. When the heat is on they get very hot. There’s no way to turn them off, so my ability to regulate the temperature in the apartment is somewhat limited.

My apartment overlooks the building’s dog run. Outbursts of barking may occur at any time.

38

Yes, if you want to cook, I’d advise shutting the door between the bedroom and the living room, even though the bedroom has no bed, but rather a table and chair. The smoke alarm will go off and you can deal with it.

There really is a correct way to fold/unfold the futon, please don’t think you don’t have to follow the directions even if you have an MS from MIT in Mechanical Engineering, it only works the way it works. And there is a good chance I like the futon more than you.

The train really does run all night and yes that was a bus at 5 this morning. You will learn to ignore them, it only takes a few days. I can’t say that much for the complexes lawn service, who come early every Tuesday morning. You will just have to deal.

39

Watch for the wasp nest on the front porch. We’re animal lovers and don’t have the heart to knock it down. But don’t worry, they’re just paper wasps and rarely show any aggression.

We don’t care if you eat in the living room. However, if you do, the grey cat will stare at you the whole time. Just ignore her until you’re done, she’s simply waiting to be invited to lick your plate. Yes, even if you had waffles with syrup or chips with picante sauce.

Don’t close the back bedroom closet door without checking to be sure the big cat isn’t snoozing in there.

The toaster will take 20 minutes to cycle and then only toast the middle square inch of your bread. That’s the best it will do.

Be sure and push the “extra rinse” on the washer or your clothes will still be soapy. Hard water.

If you’re not going to be able to fold your clothes right away, turn the “cycle sentry” off or the dryer will beep every five minutes for two freakin hours.

If you drink diet coke, you’ll have to get your own and put your name on it. NO ONE touches my diet coke.

The cats only get fed at 8 am, 4 pm, and midnight, and only 1/4 cup goes in each bowl. The fat one gets no treats, and the girl that looks like the fat one won’t eat any treats. Have at it with the other three.

Oh, and the brown tabby? Don’t look at her or she’ll think you love her and she’ll try to spend the rest of her life standing on your chest every time you sit or lie down.

The switch to the garbage disposal is way over there. I don’t know why there are no electrical outlets on the wall that divides the duplex. But that’s why you have to take a hike just to turn on the disposal.

If the backyard flood light should burn out, it will pop the circuit that serves the kitchen, dining room, living room, and front bathroom. The box is on the back of the house by the fence that divides the yards. The flashlight is in the laundry closet and there are touch lights over the lightswitches in the kitchen and both bathrooms.

In the front bathroom, the three-switch plate is backwards. The light is the furthest away, and the heat lamp is the closest. The fan is in the middle but it makes such a racket you’ll probably not want to use it.

And whatever you do, DON’T FALL OFF THE DRIVEWAY! The tow trucks tear up my yard when they go in to pull you back up. In fact, just park in the street.

40

That big brown cat outside that makes funny grunting noises isn’t a cat; it’s a nutria. Don’t pet him. He’s grouchy.