When he found out our accountant was pregnant, my manager (a person I’ve mentioned in the Pit on occassion) loudly commented in the middle of the office, “Christ, what ugly piece of shit’s going to drop out of that crusty fucking cunt?”
It used to be a running joke that he was stuck in Japan because he’d never be able to work in a country where people understood what he was saying. After three years, the joke has gotten very old.
Two weeks ago, I was at the ER because of spotting during pregnancy and was kind of tense, considering the situation. After the doctor examined me and left the room, the nurse said, “You’ll learn to relax once you’ve had half the hospital stick their hands up your twat during labour”.
(She then went on to say all pregnancy books are nonsense and putting children to sleep on their back will cause them to choke and die).
/Ms Cyros
Oh my God. See this aspirin? I’m going to hold it between my knees until I hit menopause.
Don’t mind me, I just stopped by to see what The Devil’s Grandmother had to say. Unfortunately, it wasn’t even close to Lucifer’s standards.
One night while I was working the front desk at the library, a mother and daughter (daughter about 13) came in together. The mother slammed down a bill for several lost books, pointed at her daughter and said “This one, I wish she’d never been born.”
We government drones aren’t supposed to say anything in situations like that but I said “That’s a TERRIBLE thing to say!” before I could help myself.
Which only encouraged the mother to say it again. And she meant every word of it.
Overheard in a pub in Muswell Hill about 20 years ago. The jist of the conversation between two blokes was that one was house-sitting the flat of a good-looking female friend/colleague, known to them both and probably fancied by both. The house-sitter finished an anecdote “… and so I had a wank in her sheets”.
While our family was having dinner, sans Dad, at Burger King, circa 1990:
(Sister 3 spills ketchup on Sister 2)
Sister 2 (in 7th grade): You stupid cunt!
Sister 3 (in 5th grade): HEY!
Sister 4 (in 2nd grade): (loudly) What’s a cunt?
Mom: (totally shocked) Where did you learn a word like that?!?
Sister 2: From Q.N.! (aka Sister 1, in 8th grade)
Q.N.: Hey! Thanks for getting me in trouble!
Mom: We’re leaving! (grabs coat)
Sister 4: WHAT’S A CUNT? MOMMY, STOP IGNORING ME!
Sister 2: I think it’s the same thing as “bitch.”
Mom: It is NOT!!!
Sister 2: That’s what Q.N. told me!
Mom: Who told you that word?
**Q.N. **: I read it in a book. Why, what does it really mean?
Mom: We’ll talk about it LATER.
Sister 4: WHAT IS A CUNT? WHAT DOES CUNT MEAN? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME! STOP LEAVING ME OUT, YOU CUNTS!
Mom: (falls back into booth, laughing) I think I might wet my pants.
Our family having dinner at Perkins, circa 1991. Temperature outside: approx. -40 F, with wind chill.
Sister 2: Mom, how come you wore your (beaver) fur coat to Perkins?
Mom: It’s the warmest thing I have.
Sister 2 (8th grade PETA activist): God, you’re so embarrassing.
(Mom and Q.N. have “breakfast for dinner” and discover the lockets of orange marmalade.)
Q.N.: This is the best marmalade ever.
Mom: I think I’m going to steal all the marmalade packets when we go.
Dad: WHY DON’T YOU HIDE THEM IN YOUR BEAVER?!?
Mom: (shocked) Robert!
Sister 2: (slides under table, mortified)
Q.N.: (dies laughing)
Sister 4 (now in 3rd grade): WHAT’S SO FUNNY ABOUT PUTTING JELLY IN YOUR BEAVER?
Outside of common friend comments which would pale these examples into insignificance, I offer two from relative strangers:
In Australia, staying at a hostel, a roommate there had a car so we agreed to go for a drive into the mountains. We invited this other Aussie guy along, because he was there in the room and looked lonely. On the journey a Corrs song on the radio, leading to a discussion of Andrea Corr to which our new friend commented, completely out of the blue; * “I really wouldn’t wanna fuck her, but I’d love to come on her tits”*
I’ve never been in the service, but I work in an auto-factory so I kinda feel where chique’s coming from.
When I was first hired in, I’m welding trucks about 12 feet away from this guy who acted like we were all still in high school and he’s hoping to get voted class clown. Except he’s in his forties.
One day he’s being exceptionally quiet and whispering and giggling with another fella for nearly a half hour. I figured it must be sex, because they were both blushing, but at least they were being quiet for a pleasant change. Until suddenly it dawns on them that I’m of the female persuasion and they start staring and going “you ask her!” “no way, man, you!”
“Hey, Queen Tonya, don’t all you bitches like it up the ass when you’re riding the cotton pony?”
I just gave them the patented reproachful Mom glare and they quit. :rolleyes:
Q.N. as the youngest of four sisters, you just brought back a lot of hilarious memories! 
ahhh … QN is the winner so far on my list.
Mine was hearing of an accusation of a suicide attempt (it wasn’t, it was an accident - I was THERE) and a berating for said suicide attempt as selfish (because it ‘failed’? Not sure.)
Really? I didn’t think mine were nearly as crude as some of the others.
Is it the idea of a 7 year old yelling words like “cunt” and “beaver”?
At Perkins, no less. Burger King, well, I was never in a fast food restaurant until I was near my teens - well, unless you count WhatABurger, which I didn’t back then.
But this line is the best of all - reminds me of “Almost Famous” when the mom has to tell the kid how old he really is:
WHAT IS A CUNT? WHAT DOES CUNT MEAN? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME! STOP LEAVING ME OUT, YOU CUNTS!
I used to work in a restaurant with a very large staff. One of the chefs was a really loudmouthed, obnoxious guy who’d just say WHATEVER he felt like. One of the waitresses was a loudmouthed, obnoxious girl who had CRAZY hair that went in every direction, no matter how hard she tried to tame it. Needless to say, they didn’t get along very well.
One night, things between them were especially tense. Waitress had an issue where her hair was so untamed that it was touching the food on the tray she was carrying. The chef called across the kitchen that she needed to do something about that because it was gross. Waitress told him to “fuck off,” and that it was “her fucking hair, so shut the fuck up.”
The chef then shouted across the entire kitchen, “The only thing your hair is good for is mopping the fucking floor. Your face is too ugly to fuck you, but when I’m mopping the floor with you, I’ll eat you out, how’s that? 2 for 1!”
Everyone was in shock, and semi-concerned that the customers had heard his loud voice out in the dining room. I don’t think anyone will be surprised to know that those two didn’t last at the restaurant.
One of my first assignments as a deputy sheriff was directing traffic at a 4th of July parade. The deputies all got paired with local cops from that town. My partner was an old cop, who was close to retirement. He came close to getting run over by a woman who disregarded his signal for her to stop. He went over to her car to talk to her and she proceeded to give him an argument about why she should be permitted to go down a street that had been closed. He got angrier at each exchange until he finally bellows
“Jesus Fucking Christ! They only put cunts on the dumb ones!”
I heard him. She heard him. Other motorists heard him. Pedestrians with their children walking to the parade heard him. It was rather a PR faux pas for that PD.
Out of the mouths of babes, or whatever.
I was in a convenience store when two little boys (like 4 and 6 maybe) came running in, and the big one took the money from the little one. The little one screams, “Give it back, you shit ass!”. Me and the clerk just busted up.
I’ve probably heard worse, but not long after I got my driver’s license, my mom let me take my younger brother to Sonic for a soda. I was 16, he was 12.
He had apparently not embarrassed me enough for the week and needed to fill his quota, so called to the two women in the car next to us (he was quoting from a movie, although which one escapes me): “Hey! Either of you want to sit on my face and wriggle?”
He’s now a cop. :eek:
I’ve heard the ‘ladies’ use stuff at work that was a hundred times more vulgar than this, but that was a while ago and this is very recent, and somehow felt so out of place. I am a big Buffy fan, have all seasons on DVD at home, and so when I was looking with a friend what was up in our new digital cinema (first one in the Netherlands), and noticed that Sarah Michelle Gellar was going to be there for a premiere of The Grudge, and then noticed that this was actually happening this same night, so about 6km from my home, we had to be there.
When we got there, I got some great photos and also footage (thanks to a few Americans that I knew from a forum and who were staying over as part of their Europe trip, one of whom insisted I borrow his P72 - my P51 was broken, now I have a P73), and while I was recording (so I have proof), SMG turned towards an interviewer, and the guy next to me said, quite loud, “Ah, now we can see her ass. HEY, SHE HAS NO ASS!”
Not that he isn’t right. It just really stuck out, because everyone was like really quiet and nice, and she could definitely have heard it - though she was in the middle of an interview, so hopefully not.
We’re not that used to celebs here and we generally treat them with a lot of respect, either letting them be or being very modest. Guess that is (a small part) of the reason why Brad Pitt and E.R. guy share a flat here (or so I’m told).
My favorite was unintentional. My office workmates and I were volunteering a day’s work building a Habitat for Humanity house. The leader held up a caulking gun and asked who wanted to seal up some seams. An extremely buxom secretary cried out enthusiastically “Ooh! I wanna caulk”! We are so PC in this office that everyone stifled their laughs.
Aren’t kids great? The wonder of life!