(overheard in our valet jockeys’ booth)
“Shit…that guy’s so old he comes dust .” 
“The thing about a fat chick is…grease her up and you can fuck her anywhere , man…'tween the tits, back of the neck, you name it!” :dubious:
“Yo…I just got stiffed by three big black niggers.”
:eek:
(BTW, this was spoken by a Jamaican) 
Overheard in Canadian Tire, as I’m rooting through a bin of car parts:
Dad: …just a few minutes, and then we can go home
Kid (maybe 7 years old): But I wanna go HOME!
Dad: Well, tough luck kiddo. Won’t be long.
Kid: you’re…you’re such a FUCKER!
Dad’s face goes red and he pretty much pulls the kid off his feet trying to get out of the store. Meanwhile, myself and some other dude are laughing our asses off.
Last Friday I went to a “Shiver Me Timbers” party – come dressed as an eskimo, lumberjack, or pirate. I, naturally, went as a pirate wench, corset and all. Being rather breastily endowed, I had some cleavage going on.
Saith my friend Dawn, “God, Purl, you look great!” She squeezes my breasts. “I’d so totally titty-fuck you in that!”
Thanks, honey. I wasn’t aware you had a penis, though.
Going to parties thrown by drama majors is like nothing else in the world.
No, there is no photo documentation.
I don’t mind swearing that much… so most of these stories wouldn’t shock me.
What did shock me was during a party the subject of AIDS and STD came up. Soon after an older woman, a friend of the girl’s mother, mentioned in the most blasé and normal way the following: “That is why I’ve only been using my hands.”
Everyone’s jaw dropped and she didn’t notice ! I’ve always felt I was a hard person to shock… and I was aghast ! Naturally the uncomfortable silence that followed was too much to bear for me… and I managed to be the first to say something and change the topic !!
I don’t remember if I’ve told this here or not, so maybe this is a redo. Anyhow:
Many years ago, driving an ancient Subaru with a 18-month old WhyKid in the back seat (yes, in a car seat), we got totalled by a woman running a red light. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a car accident before, but everything slooooows dooooown. I had eternities in which to ponder the fact that I was about to be hit and could do nothing about it. Eons to consider my lack of funds to afford a new car. Epochs in which to note that this was going to be a total loss.
And just enough time to say “OH, FUCK!” before we were creamed.
No one was hurt, thank goodness. But as the police officer was retrieving WhyKid out of his car seat, the little angel, who heretofore had not spoken his first word, smiles a beaming smile up at the police officer and says, in a voice to move mountains, “FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
Yep, WhyKid’s first word was “Fuck”. To a cop, no less. I’m so proud.
The officer handed him to the paramedic and smiled and me and said only, “happens all the time, ma’am.”
I don’t have any that are outrageously crude, but one that was definitely a jaw-dropper was at a wedding. One of my hippie cousins was the groom. He grew up in Humboldt county in an extraordinarly liberal and hippie-ish environment. Anyhow, one of his family friends, a woman about his age, gets up to make a toast at dinner after the ceremony, a bit drunk, and, in the midst of making a somewhat incoherent point about friendship and time passing and so forth, loudly announces that it was she who deflowered the groom, many years earlier.
That kind of brought things to a halt.
Back in college a girl called for my friend:
Hey Roomate #1, Jane is on the phone!
Which Jane, the fat one or the fatter one?
Unfortunately, the phone was still off the hook
Unfortunately, Jane heard
And most unfortunately, it was the fatter one.
I had some very classy roommates.
Q.N. Jones, I think I love your entire family. Those two stories were the best laugh I’ve had off the SDMB in awhile.
Tengu, if I could offer you a job I would, just on grounds of decency. YUUUCK.
It’s hard to translate, but a couple years back, one of the Spanish ministers, Federico Trillo, was leaving the podium in Congress to go back to his seat and muttered angrily “¡manda huevos!” (the balls of that bleep!) without realizing the micro was still open. He noticed, of course, but that’s been the origin of the sentence “¡manda Trillos!”
beat 40 million jaws dropping
In a public setting? A guy I used to hang out with and a few of us were at a restaurant eating dinner. He was being obnoxious as well as loud and someone else at the table quipped “if you talk like that all the time no wonder you’re still single.” In a rather loud voice he replied “I don’t talk like this all the time but I’m not trying to fuck you.” I don’t see him all that often any more but I won’t go anywhere in public with him again.
I said something in public that I thought was kind of vulgar and outrageous and I kind of embarassed myself. I was running a game of D&D at a store and one of the players had been annoying me through much of the game. Evidentally I made a decision he didn’t like.
A: “Marc, you’re a fag.”
Me: “Excuse me, what did you say?”
A: “I said you’re a fag.”
Me: “Oh, that’s what I thought you said. Usually when you call me a fag it comes out as “Ypht a fphga” because your mouth is full of my cock.”
I got some very strange looks from the other tables full of gamers and I was pretty embarassed.
Marc
For the record, Rebel Yell bourbon burns like an absolute son of a bitch when blown out through one’s nose.
I worked on the trading floor of some international investment banks outside of the US, and there were quite a few doozies, and never an HR violation. that said, I think the crudest thing I ever heard was at a pretty fancy restaurant dinner party. Lot of people, and couples. One guy came late, and he was the kinda guy that was always late.
Host shouts out: Hey Braun, you so slow, if you was born twins you’da been the last one out of your mother’s cunt.
I had a boss who refered to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as “Super-nigger.”
I’m a white guy that knows a bit of Spanish.
At a workplace that I was fairly new at, a lady in her forties was saying in Spanish about how she was tired and another lady in her fifties told her in Spanish that it was because she had been up all night all night fucking.
I don’t believe that she would have said it in English with me present.
I’m thinking I might tell my mom how funny everyone thinks these stories are. I’m sure she’ll be THRILLED that I decided to share them on the Internet!
Hey, and if I tell her in McDonalds or something, more public vulgarity stories to share!