What's the difference between worriers and laid-back types?

[HolyFreakingMoly]

It sounds like your wife, in the OP, suffers some paranoia, not just worry. Has she seen a therapist to talk about that? It couldn’t hurt!

I used to be a worrier and at some point I realized that I’d wasted a LOT of my time worrying about things that either never happened or that were going to happen anyway and worrying didn’t change a damned thing. If I could have back all the time I’ve spent worrying, I’d be about 21 instead of 51 now!! I’ve realized that 99% of the bad stuff I predicted, bad or good, never came to pass as I’d predicted it.

Finally, I read a book called Conversations With God (I am NOT a religious person by any means but trying to find a spiritual place within) and in that book God said, “Worry is the activity of a mind that does not understand it’s connection with Me”. For some reason, that stuck with me and I think about how powerless I am over most of what I worry about and I’m able to cease the worrying pretty quickly.

[bordelond]

@SiXSwordS

One of the differences is that laid back types seem to think that it is their philosophy that makes the difference and I do not see it.

I don’t think it’s a “philosophy”, per se. That suggests to me that someone has to “learn” to be laid back, whereas almost all laid-back people (IME) are that way naturally, without even trying.

One difference I’m seeing between the two personality types appears to be “weight given to personal opinions about oneself versus opinions of strangers about oneself”.

For me: my opinion of myself counts a billion times more than the opinion of a stranger about myself.

For my wife: the stranger rules all – they completely determine her self-worth.

When you wrote the following:

I may be missing the real issue here, but the imaginary audience isn’t really imaginary.

People talk about other people all the time and they can be very harsh in their judgements.

The part bolded is true, but I can’t wrap my head around why that matters with strangers. It’s one thing to fail to get esteem and respect from a group of people you must interact with regularly, but strangers at a mall 100 feet away? Strangers at a mall 100 feet away slurping on an Orange Julius and not looking over at you at all?

I think there is an issue of the “imaginary audience” when you’re worried about the opinions of people that are clearly not paying attention to you. That doesn’t completely fit the situation of facing your child’s classmate’s parents at a school function, but there are some similarities (e.g. Joey’s mom and Mary’s mom serve on the PTO’s candy sale committee. They are holding candy sale slips and order forms. They are talking indistinctly across the room while they thumb through the paperwork. They are not talking about you").

[Phlosphr]

My wife and I were very similar to the OP - I was the layed back type who was more hippie dippy in college and she was the straight edged assiduous learner. That was 15 years ago… At times we can be at odds but we have come to embrace the differences and have evolved in our relationship with one another. Part of that evolution was taking away the judgemental attitudes that are so supported my our society and replacing them with loving kindness and mindfulness of each others needs. Esteem may play a factor with the OP’s wife, it played a factor in my younger years. Mindfulness and basic empathy towards other people helped greatly.

I’ll also throw a shameless plug to taking a meditation class. Even if you don’t meditate it can be very helpful for evening the playing field so to speak. And helping with esteem, personal empowerment it really helps with a whole gamut of things.

[burundi]

@Pocito

However, I have proven more than once to be the calm in the middle of a storm because I have prepared in the event of such a scenario many a sleepless night.

This is me. I’m a worrier–I don’t like that aspect of my personality too much, but I’ve managed to parlay it into a career asset. I work in study abroad, and a huge part of what we do is crisis and risk managment. On the surface, I counsel students about different programs, help them apply, and get them excited about cross-cultural learning. Behind the scenes, part of my job is recognizing worst-case scenarios and come up with plans for what to do if they ever happen. Fortunately, it’s rare that we need to put those contingency plans into place, but it does happen. I find that being paid to worry at work makes it easier for me not to worry too much at home.

[tdn]

@bordelond

I don’t think it’s a “philosophy”, per se. That suggests to me that someone has to “learn” to be laid back, whereas almost all laid-back people (IME) are that way naturally, without even trying.

I think it’s very possible to learn. They’re doing wonderful things with cognitive therapy these days.

[Dangerosa]

@jsgoddess

I didn’t used to be a worrier. Then I married someone whose health was iffy and I became worried about that. Then that worry became a habit and I was worried about everything.

Now that he’s gone, I wonder if I will return to being a non-worrier or if the worry habit will stick.

In retrospect, the worrying helped me practice for loss and grief.

I didn’t used to be a worrier…then I had kids. The kids are healthy, but they are kids, and the burden of being a parent is heavy. And now I worry. And I suspect you are right, it becomes a habit. (What if he falls on his skateboard, what if I don’t teach them good values, what if they end up living in my basement when they are 30, what if they develop a drug habit).

Once again, I’m sorry for your loss.

I did a lot of CBT to try and get over the worrying. And the therapist finally said “you are a self aware prepared worrier. You do what you are supposed to - you prepare for the things you can control, and you know the rest isn’t rational.” But even after all the self awareness, and worksheets, and meditations and ‘what’s the worst’ exercises - I’m still a worrier.

[Beware_of_Doug]

@burundi

This is me. I’m a worrier–I don’t like that aspect of my personality too much, but I’ve managed to parlay it into a career asset. I work in study abroad, and a huge part of what we do is crisis and risk managment. On the surface, I counsel students about different programs, help them apply, and get them excited about cross-cultural learning. Behind the scenes, part of my job is recognizing worst-case scenarios and come up with plans for what to do if they ever happen. Fortunately, it’s rare that we need to put those contingency plans into place, but it does happen. I find that being paid to worry at work makes it easier for me not to worry too much at home.

But are you truly worrying, or are you taking a cold hard look at potential crises and mapping out rational moves to respond to them?

Real worry is a kind of sublimated panic. It’s instinctual. It’s fear fighting to survive, and feeding on every scrap of reality it can consume. It distracts, demoralizes, dehumanizes. People have been paid to do that and worse to themselves and others, but is that really what your organization hired you for?