What's the paranoia with the difference of ages? We have a lot here!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some weeks ago I posted this thread in this forum. I only got one response, which I replied once, and the thread died there. I wondered why was this. I felt like punished. I attributed the lack of responses to some kind of paranoia that people shows to those kind of themes.

Caution: I don’t want that thread to be retaken. For those who wonder, the result was negative: I understood that the possible relationship was a bad idea and I ended it before it grew, not because the age difference (38-19) moral dilemma, but because we will never fit our respective worlds. Not because it was “bad” in a moral sense, but because I was going to be the more damaged of both.

But I still see some paranoia on the matter. The only one response I got, I felt it a little angry (but polite, SnoopyFan, I accept it). Just see that I was posting the thread in a very honest way, and all I got, the only thing I got was a brief and soft “scold”.

I think it’s not fair. What I wanted was *advicement * to know if I can be safe from my own heart-breaking in this possible relationship and possible marriage, and I suspect that if the thread had continued, most of posters were going to treat me as a “teen molester”. And I’m pretty sure that I was the one in danger, and that she was the adult molester. Believe me! Things are twisted in this planet’s corner.

If you experiment an environment it’s not the same thing if someone describes you the environment. Notice that where I live (Mexico, then in a state of Mexico, then in a little town of a state of Mexico), customs are very different, young girls are very perceptive and precocious, and we mexicans don’t see the age difference with that kind of passion. Most of underage girls (you will only believe it when you see it) goes dancing, smoking, drinking and sometimes kissing (or worse) with anyone, depending on their age preferences, and they have fun in the same clubs of adults. They dress like Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. No one says nothing. No one’s in jail. I have no control over it, but the only case I’ve faced -in my own flesh- was the one I described in the thread. I avoid younger girls because everyone knows everyone in town and it would be a situation of bad taste. Some of these girls (only some of them, to be fair), at ages 13 to 18 have had more sexual relations than I’ve had in all my adult life. I’m not shocked (I’m used to know it), but I’m amazed by the fact. Why deny it? This is a fact, not a personal opinion. You can send anyone of National Geographic here to document this particular enviornment.

Later, I explored the media. Cases as Woody Allen’s, or Chaplin’s, where at last, after the scandal, they marry with her young affaires (if it works or not at the end, it’s another story), then I would like to think that is not immoral dating a young girl if you’re pretension is serious. Those guys were brave and could stand the scandal till everything was over, and those who criticize and said “his career was over”, had to swallow their own words when time passed and the acussed are still happy. Now I’m being brave and sincere and telling you all the truth of my own culture, the culture that I’ve been seeing all my life.

Please, before overreacting, read carefully again. I don’t date minors (althought I’m not in the USA). But minors harass people like me. We stand back because we fear them. If we fell with one (I repeat, I won’t, but a friend of mine some day fell with one), a “child molester” etiquette is not the danger here. It’s the danger of AIDS, a genital infection or, the best of the worst, a pretty broken adult heart.

So, when the world legal age is reached, we can breath with peace. If we fall or not, we’re not breaking “moral ethics”. But we’re still putting ourselves in danger. That’s why I abandoned my particular case (it was beautiful, but I broke it with all the pain of my heart) and started looking from 25 to up.

Of course, the opinion I’d like to get, without flaming, is, if you believe this description, and accept my word on the girls behavior and the social situation here, would you still believe my case was wrong? (I think it was nothing compared to real hard cases). I’m pretty sure anyone dedicated to sociological studies can emit his opinion without any dispassion. But I also consider you, Dopers, intelligent people. You can perceive the truth of diversity of cultures.

[Disclaimer]I state that I’m telling nothing more than the truth. If everything wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be posting it. Mods: explore the post and see I’m not trying to provoke anyone, though it’s a delicated matter, so I rewrote it in a very rational style, and if it belongs to GD, please move.[/Disclaimer]

2

Okay, let me see if I have the facts.

Girl is 19, and you are 38. You plan on marrying her if things work out. She views you as a father/sexual figure. Her mother is a tart*. She tells you she’s not a tart, but you suspect she might turn out that way due to the influence of her mother. In addition to this, young girls in Mexico are unsupervised and carrying on in a fashion not generally accepted to be demure or ladylike. You are very unsure about pursuing a relationship with a younger girl who might break your heart.

Okay- this is the ‘My Humble Opinion’ part.

  1. I think a 19 to 38 age gap can work for a relationship, but not very often and not without a lot of work and understanding.

  2. She’s not finished with school, and I think you should wait to decide anything until after she’s completed her schooling. -Simply because this is a big time of change for any person. Folks can begin at a University, then graduate 4 years later a completely different person.

  3. Don’t judge her by the actions of her mother or her peer group. Judge her by HER actions.

and Finally…
4) Everyone takes the chance on getting their heart broken when they love. Age differences or family situations aren’t the only reasons. We all take a chance when we let our guards down. There are no guarantees, but in this instance (age difference, attitudes and peer group mores/values, and family history) I would tread carefully. This deck is not stacked in your favor.

*Tart: a personal colloquialism for a woman of loose morals and low standards of personal responsibility to any vows or promises.

FaerieBeth

3

Sheesh. I was responding to your first post, then neglected to read carefully through this one. I see your relationship issues were handled.

As to my opinion on age differences. They can work…or they can be spectacular failures. There’s so much more riding on any given relationship besides age.

Oh, and my husband and I have a 7 year age difference.

4

Don’t worry about that, FaerieBeth. In fact, I appreciate it because the other one wasn’t attended and now that I read your post, it’s pretty comforting to see that you understood and analized the story with an analitic mind. And it’s also comforting knowing that I took the better decision.

Good to know that prejudices are not in everyone. :wink:

5

I’ve seen more objection to age differences in relationships on this board than I’ve encountered in all other areas of life combined.

In the United States, the legal age of consent for the various States ranges from 12 to 18 years of age, with the average being about 16. (Reference, www.ageofconsent.com)

That having been said, the main problem with a teenager having a relationship with an older person is not so much moral, but practical. You, like me, were a very different person at age 23 than you were at 16.

If an older, settled person enters into a relationship with someone in their teen years, the younger one can naturally be expected to change a lot in the next few years. Thus, the long term outlook is generally not good for such relationships.

Why someone should be outraged, though, about two other people of ages 19 and 38 having a consentual relationship is beyond my ability to comprehend. In short, it’s legal and nobody else’s business if the two concerned are happy with it.

6

The reason your posts don’t get more responses is that they’re so freakin’ long. I clicked into the original, got about ten lines into it, and decided I didn’t want to read the whole thing.

Make your points more concisely and you’re more apt to get responses.

7

Thanks, twickster, and that may be the reason, but I prefer not to take too lightly subjects so delicate as this thread’s one. I’m sure that if I had resumed this issue in two or three lines, I would have had hell unleashed over me. :wink:

8

I think there may be some room between the extremes of “Paradise Lost” and a haiku.

9

Grousser, I personally wouldn’t worry too much about the length of your posts. If it’s a complicated situation, sometimes it takes awhile to explain.

As far as your questions, I personally don’t think the age difference is always bad, it depends on the individual. I think American society, for whatever reason, is very overprotective of our youth, and especially young girls. Even someone as old as 18 or 19, in some respects, is still treated like a child in the U.S. Why that is, I don’t know, but I do feel like Americans are sometimes overly age-conscious in situations like this.

Also, my opinion is that there’s nothing offensive or improper about the story the way you described it, and I think you made the right choice.

10

I am only new to the board but this subject interested me. I recently had a proposal from a young man 20 years my junior. I thought about it a long time but came to the conclusion that the age difference was just too great for me to comfortably live with.

My last relationship was with a man 8 years my junior and even that posed many problems. My energy level, his immaturity and our lack of common friends.

I think you made the right decision in this case.