It’s the messed up ones that actually work against the speaker that get me:
“Possesion is nine-tenths of the law.”
Too stupid to waste my time on.
A tie is like kissing your sister…
Used often by commentators in football games. What exactly are they implying here? First of all, no one over the age of 5 kisses their sister anyway, so it’s a strange analogy at best.
I think the point is that the result (a tie) is better than nothing (no nookie) but not as good as a win (kissing a girl), sort of like getting a kiss from your sister. Isn’t that just a bit creepily incestuous?
"You can’t have your cake and eat it too."
Then why would I want the cake in the first place, stupid?
The earliest expression of this sentiment that I could find was in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. It was recorded by John Heywood’s *Proverbs * in 1546 as “Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?” I suspect the idea was that you couldn’t use something up and still possess it. Or maybe not.
Also the expression “the proof is in the pudding” makes no sense whatsoever. The notion should be abbreviated “the proof of the pudding…”
“That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.”
Written by a sexually frustrated loser and usually quoted by people other than the one doing the near-death-causing task.
Personally, I prefer its reverse: “That which does not make you stronger, kills you,” since I feel that the surest way to a spiritual, intellectual, and eventually a miserable physical death is to complacently do the same things again and again and again, never challenging yourself with new experiences.
I like the matching pairs that contradict each other:
Look before you leap vs He who hesitates is lost.
No matter where you go, there you are!
I’m always bugged when someone says, “Life isn’t fair” as an excuse to be an ass.
The absolute dumbest quote I’ve ever heard was something like:
Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.
WTF is THAT supposed to mean?
I’ve always been annoyed by New Hampshire’s state motto. They corrupted Patrick Henry’s polite request, “Give me liberty or give me death,” to a command: “Live free…OR DIE!!!.”
Pisses me off.
Of course they (the glasses) are the same. That is the point. The adage is referring to the different attitudes of the observers.
One sees it as half-empty. (Rats! Only half left. Pessimist?)
The other sees it has half-full. (Great! I’ve still got half left. Optimist?)
I usually go for “…but he had eight more lives.”
Also: “You can do anything once you put your mind to it.” No you can’t.
And it’s been scientifically proven that oil and water do mix.
“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”. My boss says this in just about every meeting we have. I cringe every time I hear it.
That’s a Rush lyric.
Believe it or not, people said things before Rush did.
“These are the best of times, these are the worst of times.”
What is that?
Yeah, what the Dickens is that? 
It’s always in the last place you look.
Well, duh! Even if it were in the first place you looked, it would be the last place you’d look because then you’d stop looking.
“Better to light a candle than complain about the dark.”
Another one that only makes sense literally. But it’s very easy to be so enamoured of the image that you think it can be applied to every situation. Some people misjudge their whole lives doing this.
Surprised there was no further support for “everything happens for a reason”. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it!
Disaster often decends on you undeservedly, or if there was a reason it was not something you could have foreseen.
And how about “everything comes to he who waits”. Well, I’m still waiting for quite a few things - it’s the order they come in that matters, death being a bit of a bummer for enjoying the following days delivery…
I also must cast my vote for “life isn’t fair” . It pisses me off no end, though what really irks me is I could have sworn I once knew a snappy comeback to it, which I now seem to have forgotten. somebody?
Another which frustrates me on a regular basis is “whoever said the rhyme did the crime”- the countless times that I have incrimated myself with this one!! :wally