Oh man. I forgot about that one.
Very few movies make me want to bitch slap the lead role as much as that one.
Probably the very worst of them all, considering able actors, is:
The Avengers
What was Connery thinking?
At the screening I saw, half of the audience walked out. I’ve been to movies where one or two guys left, but half?
As fairly new here, I keep seeeing MST3k. I know I’m gonna feel really stupid, but what is that?
Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show that ran on local Minnesota TV, then on Comedy Central, then on the Sci Fi Channel. Priceless commenting on bad films. Many available on videotape and DVD.
They’ve shown more than their share of “worst films”, including the oft-cited Manos, the Hands of Fate
Dammit! I liked Freddy Got Fingered. I don’t know who Tom Greene or whatever his name is, never seen his work before, but I thought this was one of the most disturbing, anarchic, just plain bizarre comedies I have seen in a long time. Sure, some scenes lasted just a bit too long, and it was over-the-top moronic, but that was the whole point. I’m not gonna say it was a work of genius, but I certainly think it’s far better than most critics (with the notable exception of the NYT guy, who liked it) thought.
Anyhow, the worst movie I paid to see was Rollerball. Don’t ask me why I paid to see it. I guess I was in one of my “I want to see a stupid movie” moods. Boy, did I get what I wished for. This movie completely lacked the interest of the original, not that there was any need to redo it. The whole point of the movie was substantially different than the original, and the pointless scene to the Kazakhstan-Russian border I just didn’t get.
For those of you who haven’t seen it (count your blessings), there’s a race-to-the-border/freedom scene in the middle of the movie. For some reason, our heroes assume that just arriving at the border will guarantee their passage. Umm…no. The border guards can turn you back, ya know. Of course, that would lack the requisite Hollywood spectacle, and the need for an adreneline-lacking chase scene. Yuck.
Although the remake of Planet of the Apes also ranks high on my suckage list.
Drop Dead Fred
In the right movie, Rik Mayall would be amazing. Unfortunately he made this film instead.
Driven.
Sly Stallone.
Gak.
Here’s my short list:
All That Jazz - the dancing was good, but everything else sucked. They butchered the song Bye Bye Love.
Dog Star Man - a experimental film that displayed the filmmaker’s ability to splice together stock footage.
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band - let’s watch the Bee Gees emote.
Ok if we’re allowed to use things that have been on MST3k, I nominate ** Creeping Terror**. This film was so bad that when they lost the audio reel, they just threw on a bad narrator. The monster is a rug with trash glued to it and when it eats people, they have to help climb into its mouth. There is no worse movie.
I just discovered that access to Mr. Cranky has been blocked at our site. I’m trying to figure out what there set the filter off.
There are many kinds of bad movies, but the worst are the bad comedies. A bad drama, horror flick or romance may be unintentionally funny, but a bad comedy just festers. There are no pleasures in a bad comedy, just a lot of irritants.
So, the worst movies on my list are all would-be comedies.
#1 stinker of all time? “Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video,” by “Saturday Night Live” alumnus Michael O’Donoghue. I still remember going to the box office window, handing over my money, and hearing two words I’d NEVER heard at a movie theater, before or since: “No refunds.”
“No refunds.” I SHOULD have taken the hint, just waved good-bye to my money, and gone home, but I was foolish enough to go inside and watch the movie. Folks, just by accident, this movie should have made SOMEBODY in the audience laugh ONCE. But it didn’t. This movie wasn’t just unfunny. it was staggeringly, incomprehensibly unfunny. There was nothing but stunned silence from the audience, punctuated every ten minutes by a scream of “this movie SUCKS!” Some scattered applause of the heckler would follow, and then ten more minutes of stunned silence.
The other worst?
- “Caddyshack 2”
- “The Nude Bomb” (Maxwell Smart)
- “Modern Problems” with Chevy Chase
- “The Song Remains the Same” (I loved Led Zeppelin, but this movie was torture! Plant’s voice was way off key, Bonham did a stultifyingly boring 15 minute drum solo, and the songs were separated by stupid “fantasy” segments")
Astorian, “Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video” is also my pick for the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I saw it with my brother and we both thought we were going to see skits that were too much even for Saturday Night Live. We sat through the whole movie and just checked our watches every 10 minutes, cause we were too cheap to just walk out. And I have very low standards for enjoying movies. I even liked Armageddon, Unbreakable and Star Trek V. Another movie I just thought of would be “Megaforce”, starring Barry Bostwick in a skintight lame`catsuit.
Astorian, “Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video” is also my pick for the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I saw it with my brother and we both thought we were going to see skits that were too much even for Saturday Night Live. We sat through the whole movie and just checked our watches every 10 minutes, cause we were too cheap to just walk out. And I have very low standards for enjoying movies. I even liked Armageddon, Unbreakable and Star Trek V. Another movie I just thought of would be “Megaforce”, starring Barry Bostwick and Michael Beck in skintight lame`catsuits and matching headbands, if I recall correctly. I thought they looked great, but nowadays, they’re probably sorry they did the movie.
Wasn’t that The Attack of the the Creatures;)THEY SIMPLY DIDN’T CARE.
RoadHouse. What other movie uses lines like “It’s my way or the Highway”?
Dagnabbit. That should be “The Attack of the the Eye Creatures” or the post doesn’t make sense. The movie was so bad, they screwed up the title and didn’t evey bother to fix it.
I have one that I bet you’ve only neglected to mention because you’ve never seen it. It’s a horribly made foreign piece of tripe called Last Train to Venice starring Hugh Grant and Malcom McDowell. I am not exaggerating when I say this movie is so bad that it’s as if the Manos: Hands of Fate people somehow made a mystery/thriller. It also prominently features Dobermans to represent EEEEEVILLLL (in this case, Neo-Nazis…in fact, I think we’re meant to believe that the Neo-Nazis somehow BECOME dogs.) This movie also features the single most horrible scene ever put to film: Through the last half of the movie the Hugh Grant character is, for lack of a better word, “depressed” and listless. He’s having a cup of coffee at a cafe across the stream from the apartment where he lives with his lover. (Oh yeah, this movie features the worst sex-scenes ever; mainly dimly lit scenes of Hugh’s pimply, mole-riddled, pasty back wriggling around.) Anyways, the lover comes over to berate him about his ongoing depression and he looks across the stream to see his lover’s daughter climb out on a balcony and attempt to scale along the roof to pet a bird or something. Hugh Grant leaps to his feet, runs to the footbridge where two workers JUST HAPPEN to be carrying a huge pane of glass, and he breaks through the pane and rushes to catch the girl as she falls off the roof. Of course everything is fine and dandy after his break through. (Cause, see. By breaking through the glass, he broke through his depression! SEE?!?!) Wow, it’s bad. It’s so bad it hurts. My husband couldn’t even finish watching it, and his favorite movie is Mother, Juggs, and Speed. (Another all-time worst movie.)
IMDB link here: http://us.imdb.com/Title?0107683
(Egads! Apparently you can actually watch a trailer of this piece of crap!)
I’m with you all the way on Nothing but Trouble and Caddyshack II. (If there are any other movies ever made with Jackie Mason in them, they also get my vote sight unseen.)
Queen of the Damned…is(was) the worst movie ever made, bar-none! IMHO of course 
Definitely on my list is An Awfully Big Adventure, with Hugh Grant and Alan Rickman. It’s the story of a young, innocent girl who gets into a relationship with an older man who turns out to be her father. When that point is revealed (sorry to ruin it for you), you are less surprised by the plot twist than you are relieved to see any plot at all.
The movie has one redeeming quality–it centers around a local theatre company that is doing Peter Pan, so you get to see Alan Rickman rehearse some scenes as Captain Hook. That was an oasis of cool in a vast desert of suck.
Dr. J
I’ve seen lot’s of bad movies, but most of them were rentals I had never heard of before, so to restrict it to movies I’ve seen in the theater, here are the two worst.
Runner-up - Battlefield Earth. Only reason I made it throught the whole thing was that some parts were soo bad they were “almost” funny.
Winner - Primary Colors. The worst, most pointless, completly boring movie I have ever seen. This is the only movie I actually feel asleep watching in the theater. Payed $7.50 to take a nap, but least no one else was in the theater, so it was quiet.
And to think, I used to like John Travolta…
You guys are bringing back such memories.
Hugh Grant in Legend of the White Worm. I accidentally saw it on the SciFi Channel one fine Sunday afternoon.
Gas with Donald Sutherland. Follow the hijinks of the wacky townspeople as they cope with the gas shortages and lines of 1973. It had the sexpot running a bordello out of her van waiting in line. The crusty old oil company owner and his incompetent buffoon sons trying to hide a stockpile of gasoline in a secret underground tank. The pair of soldiers who are trying to steal some army gasoline and have their own stockpile for the black market. And Donald Sutherland (who was evidently so embarassed to be a part of this abomination that he didn’t appear in a scene with even a single other actor) as the helicopter traffic reporter telling everyone about the gas lines.
On the submarine mess deck, this one was referred to as a “four-finger gagger.”
But the absolute worst movie I’ve ever subjected my loved ones to was Black Beauty, starring (well, “featuring” is more accurate) Mark Lester (who was considered bankable because of Oliver! the year before).
Woo starring (?) Jada Pinkett.
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