We are planning for my daughter’s 9th birthday party. She wants to invite most of the kids in the neighborhood, except for one boy.
We’ve known the boy since he was two, when my son was in a play group with him. Years ago I was close to his mother, but that’s no longer the case, nothing bad happened, we just disagree about how to raise kids.
Over the past year the little boy has become very mean. He calls my kids very bad names, takes things away from them and tries to make the other kids decide who to play with, him or my kids, when they all just want to play together. He’s even gone and hit the other kids with baseball bats, his mother only says “kids will be kids” but doesn’t correct his behavior. So we made the decision to just stop playing with him and stop inviting him over to the house.
I ran into the mother and boy at the store today and she asked about my daughter’s party, I just told her that I hadn’t planned anything yet.
On one hand I feel obligated to invite the kid to the party because we’ve known them forever, but on the other hand I don’t want to invite him, my daughter doesn’t want to invite him because he is such big meanie.
Don’t invite him! Your first obligation in this situation is to your daughter. If the mother asks again, you can say “Well, this is the first year where my daughter has gotten to decide, all on her own, who to invite. Since she can only invite a certain number of people, and your son don’t get along very well, she decided not to invite him this year.” If the mother implies that this is rude of your daughter, just say “Oh, well, kids will be kids!”
I was in the same situation a couple of years ago with my son’s eighth birthday. Unfortunately for me, I caved and invited the little monster. Everything was going just fine–kids playing happily, a little loud, but that’s no big deal at a kid’s party–then he arrived. To say things got out of control is putting it mildly. He is the reason I will never have another kid’s party in my house. Some of the birthday presents were stolen–small pieces from a lego set; food was mashed into everything; and there was a very unpleasant bathroom incident that I’m still trying to forget.
So I’m going to give you the advice I wish I’d taken two years ago. Don’t invite him. If the mom asks why, tell her the truth–he doesn’t get along well with your daughter/the rest of the kids, so you didn’t invite him. It may sound harsh, it may be a difficult thing for you to do, but believe me, it’s going to be a lot easier than what you’ll be forced to deal with if you do invite him.
Disclaimer: I am not and have never been a parent.
That said, and knowing the standard "rule about inviting all the kids, even the unpopular ones (and having been one myself), I think you are not obligated in any way to invite this boy. By his behavior he has disinvited himself.
Issue the invitations as you see fit, and say nothing to the mother. If she asks about it, I would be politely honest: “I’m sorry, but your son is not invited. He does not play well with the other children, is very mean, calls them very bad names, is bossy, takes things away from them, and has even hit them with baseball bats. Behavior like that is not welcome in my home, and it would disrupt my daughter’s party.”
Quite honestly, I think the kid and his mother could use a bite of a reality sandwich.
Any chance the party could be held on “neutral turf” (i.e., away from your place, like at a mall party room or some rented space) so that the kid and his parents don’t see your party and wonder why they were excluded? That could be more trouble than it’s worth, but a potential work-around.
Bottom line: if the mother (and father?) assume no responsibility for their brat’s behavior and the brat develops along the anti-social lines you indicate, it would be to that kid’s advantage to learn sooner than later that there are consequences to being a shit.
Just one person’s opinion. But we had similar issues with our kids’ playmates, and opted for the ostracism route. Lost quite a few “friends” that way, but felt our kids’ welfare was worth more than phony friends.
To illustrate the point: when my first wife died, a couple we had asked not to visit any longer because their kids just never managed to behave around ours, came to the funeral. The woman said, “Does this mean we can visit now?” I laughed so hard I cried, since it was mainly my wife who had put her foot down about the other family’s lack of welcome. The upshot was that even after my wife’s death, the other family just didn’t bother visiting any more. No major loss.
I had only read the OP when I started my reply, and didn’t see the other responses before submitting. I’d say the majority opinion is “leave the brat out.”
Don’t invite him. If the mother asks again (IMO it was pretty rude to ask about it, as that puts you on the spot to invite them) just tell her that your daughter doesn’t want to spend her birthday being hit with a fucking baseball bat and so didn’t want to invite the little monster. If the mother is offended by this and implies that it’s unfair of your daughter to exclude him, I second trotting out the “kids will be kids” line. And smile while you say it.