Recently, I was introduced to one of my best friend’s co-workers. The very first thing she asked me about myself was, “Do you have a boyfriend?” (For the record, she already knew my name, occupation, and marital status, but that was it.)
I thought this was a weird question. Why does she care so much? We were on a girls-only weekend. I was 1000 miles away from home. It wasn’t like he was going to pop up during the trip. Furthermore, I thought it was a question that would probably have been answered in the more natural course of things during our trip–you know, as she learned about my personality, my interests, etc. And it’s a mighty personal question, because it’s really a polite way of wondering, “Are you in love? Are you sexually available? Are you getting laid regularly?”
Then it occurred to me: this happens pretty often. Maybe it’s not the first question people ask, but it is often asked very soon after meeting someone, even during casual meetings or business settings.
Anyway, it’s a question I don’t ask. Most of the time, the answer comes out naturally in conversation. If not, I let it go, because if I don’t know and they don’t say, it’s probably not relevant, or they don’t want to talk about it.
I’ve noticed it’s almost always women who do this. Why? Do they think women aren’t complete without a man? Do they want to know if I’m available to fix up with their guy friends? Are they just awkward?
Can anyone shed light on this? It’s been bugging me for a month. It really seemed rude and dopey to me.
Maybe she feels a need to pigeon-hole you right away, so that she “knows” how to relate to you, what to talk about, stories to share, etc. It does seem strange and rude to ask up front. I mean, at least wait until the first beer.
I’m a guy, and I HAVE been asked by other guys if I had a girlfriend, but it was only during the course of conversation… in the sense of “Okay, you’ve heard me complain about MY girlfriend, can you top me?”
Maybe they just curious, but a lot of women (single or not) view other women (even friends) as potential competitors for current or prospective boyfriends, or just desired male attention in general. In this context a “no BF” women is much higher on the competitive threat scale than a hooked up women.
I’m female. I think it’s a bit strange and impolite too. However, I think perhaps she was only going through a mental checklist of “what subject might we have in common? What would this new aquaintance like to chat about?” That being said, I still don’t like it, and I agree that it is better to learn more about a person gradually as subjects come up naturally.
Apart from anything else, you might just have had a most unpleasant break-up, or the boyfriend might just have been killed in car crash… and so on. (Mind you, I dislike the “have you any children?” question even more!)
What occurs to me is, that it seems quite a “young” way to behave - I mean, the way a teenager or a not-very-grown-up 20-ish person might behave. BUT, I don’t get the impression that she would have fitted into the “young” category. Not sure why, but I don’t.
“…rude and dopey…”, as in the O.P., seems about accurate to me. And NOT “dopey” as in “Doper” either.
Doubtful. She is married, and in the process of getting divorced. She talked about past boyfriends and didn’t do anything to make me think she was “in the closet.”
Again, doubtful. With divorce, money, depression, and citizenship woes, she’s pretty tied up right now. IIRC, she said something about not wanting to date anyone right now. She also did not participate in our girl talk about men.
I do think, however, that you’re probably right about that, astro.
Maybe she wondered because her mind is on her divorce, and the other women are all married–? Maybe she was hoping not to be the only singleton there.
Yup, I’d agree with the scoping out the potential competition. Or perhaps she’s trying to play matchmaker with another single acquaintance, and sees you as a potential partner for this person. Or mebbe she’s just nosy.
At least she didn’t ask "What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he…
sorry, couldn’t resist!
Could be it, too. She was sort of the odd woman out, in that the rest of us have been friends for years. Maybe she was just uncomfortable. But it just came out so weird. Out of the blue, and so incredibly soon after meeting me. And she had no trouble participating in our conversations, either.
I almost called it “rude and immature” in my OP, but I erased the latter because it seemed a tad too judgmental. I think you’re dead-bang on, though.
I’ve been asked the question twice in my life, I think. I felt uneasy about it both times, 'cause it’s both unexpected and personal. That kind of information usually comes by itself, gfs/bfs make a big part of one’s life after all.
The second time I was asked, was by a girl with a pretty funny sense of humor, she actually asked me “Do you have any pets?”.
At least the “pet” question is not nearly so personal, and has a certain ironic quality to it, unless, of course, you then find yourself having to deal with a person who regards each and every goldfish as a personal friend with whom (or with which?) to converse. In the latter case, oh, oh, oh!
Welll, yes, but perhaps it was so long ago, I don’t remember where it fits in here. Maybe the part where the judge decides that "he is her brother - she has had a “relaionship with him all of her life”.
Ahah - no! (Celyn, old fogey now remembers) The higlhy touching relatinonship between whatsisname and the poor wee fishy?
Oh! Sad, but I rejoiced greatly abut the steamroller bit.
I don’t remember the exact line, but Cleese was telling Curtis how stifling British society can be, and says something like “you live in fear of asking someone how their children are and them answering ‘oh, they died in a fire last week.’”
Since you mentioned that she was going through a divorce, it might have been a case of ‘when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail’; the big issue on her mind involves men and relatioships, so she may see everyone else as either sharing in or relating to that issue.
The real question is, Why does this question bother you so much? It is only a passing question of general interest. You have been obsessing about for a month (according to uor own words). Perhaps it is not the question but the answer that bothers you so much.
Oh I remember getting that question. When you reach a certain age the question changes from “Do you have a boyfriend?” to “Are you married?” or “Do you have kids?”
I hear it all the time and not just from friends of friends, but from the grocery store checker, the manicurist, the convenience store clerk… And it’s always women who ask these questions. Why oh why?
Big eyeroll to this one. I never said I was obsessing about it. In fact, I didn’t even waste the energy on being irritated by it when it happened. But it strikes me as weird, and every once in awhile, it’ll pop into my head–especially when my friend talks about her–and it makes me go “hmm.”
