I was going to put this in QN Jones thread about people asking about boyfriends, but it turned into more of a rant than I thought, and didn’t want to hijack the thread too badly.
Anyway, the question that inevitably follows “do you have a boyfriend” is usually, “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” (assuming you answered no). Why would you ask somebody this? What kind of answer would you possibly want? Am I supposed to say something like, “because I am a hideous troll with no personality so men don’t like me,” or maybe, “because I’m just not as good as you…obviously this is true since you have a b/f and I don’t”…or would they expect something more personal, like “well, I just got out of this really serious relationship, etc etc…”. What if my boyfriend had just died a horrible, painful death? Is this something I should tell a total stranger?
(note that none of these things are true about me)
I’ve found an answer that works well, and shuts most people up…“Because I don’t need one!” Or, if I’m feeling particularly frisky, “Because I don’t f*&%ing need one!”
Still, can anyone offer some insight on what motivates people to ask these kinds of things? I’ve been asked this question by numerous people, not just one lone nutcase.
I forgot to add that I think I am most bugged by this question because it implies that I somehow need a boyfriend, and am not complete without one. Kind of like, “why don’t you have a job?” - something most people need and like to have.
Oh yeah, and I’m 23, so maybe this has some impact on why people ask this.
My family (father’s side) still asks me if I have a girlfriend. Sometimes it’s followed by why, which always draws some awkward, half-witted, taken by surprise answer by me. I should be prepared by now. Ever since they learned I took a friend to Homecoming they’ve been leery of my sexuality, I think. Gay jokes and allusions are rife in my presence.
When you’re a guy it’s a lot easier. People just assume you do, or if you don’t than you’re a big loser. I don’t even try to fight them off anymore, just give them the old what-ever! line and blow them off.
“You’ve never been married? What’s wrong with you?”
“Are you gay?”
“You could find someone if you really wanted…”
Dunno why people ask/say such things. People are odd. The last time I was asked what’s wrong with me, I pointed out that the asker was not yet 40 and had been married twice and added “What’s wrong with you?”
Not that it’s any excuse for asking such a rude personal question, but maybe they mean it as a compliment, like “With all you have to offer, surely you must be able to date (or marry) anyone you want.” At least, that’s how I think all of you should interpret the question from now on!
It’s amazing what extremely personal questions people feel they have the right to ask you, though, isn’t it? If you do have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s “How long have you been going out? Are you going to get married? When are you going to get married? Why aren’t you married yet?” If you get married, it’s “Do you have children? Are you going to have children? When are you going to have children? Why don’t you have children yet?” God only knows what they start asking you about once you’ve had children.
It makes me want to ask, “Why would you ask me a question like that? Have you no concept of privacy or appropriate boundaries? What could you be thinking of? Why didn’t your parents do a better job of raising you than to ask a question like that? Were you raised in a barn? By wolverines?”
I find it annoying to be asked when are you getting married, you are too old to be unmarried let alone do you have a boyfriend. I guess it depends on who is asking, sometimes they have a hard time believing that is the way the cookie crumbles and yes I am alone and sometimes it sucks but its okay! I’m beginning to think my mothers friends think there is something wrong with me though. When I used the “I dont need one” remark, he said “yeah right”.
Ask them if they know any good prospects to fix you up with.
If they say “yes”, you can ignore them while they chatter on about whoever they know. If they say “no”, then you can act depressed and make them feel bad for even asking the question!
I, too, am amazed by the nosy, impertinent questions some people feel entitled to ask.
Yes, you should!
I only occasionally get rude, inappropriate questions asked of me, but they really irritate me. A while back someone at work asked me an extremely personal question to which there is no “right” answer. If I’d answered “no,” then I’d be a loser in her viewpoint (or someone else’s viewpoint). If I’d answered “yes,” I’d be reprehensible in her viewpoint (or someone else’s viewpoint). If I’d refused to answer then she (and anyone else listening in) would have either figured that I was a loser or reprehensible and that I was too embarassed to answer. There is no right answer to such a question—no answer that isn’t going to put you in an uncomfortable spot.
So, I answered thus: I started to laugh incredulously, like she was the most absurd person ever. I said, “What a question to ask! I can’t believe that you’d ask me something like that!” Then I went to some nearby coworkers and said, “Can you believe what she just asked me!?!? I cannot believe that someone would be so nosy as to ask me that!” I kept laughing at her. The coworkers shook their heads and laughed too. She was embarassed and backed down quick. Worked like a charm.
Now, asking someone why they don’t have a boyfriend isn’t as rude and nosy as what this coworker asked me, but it’s pretty damned nosy. If it bugs you, I’d just laugh and put them on the spot, asking them why they felt entitled to ask other people such personal questions.
Another thing (I got this idea from this board, by the way, but I haven’t had a chance to use it). When someone asks you something rude and nosy, counter their question with, “By the way, how many times a week do you masturbate?” When they look embarassed, angry, flustered, quickly add, “Oh, I’m sorry. Based on the nosy question you asked me, I thought it was okay to ask rude personal questions.”
I think that people who ask these questions either have no clue or (in some cases) are counting on you being too taken aback and suprised to do anything other than just answer. They are counting on your good manners and the element of surprise. They are getting away with this sort of behavior in polite company because they expect the rest of us to be too good-mannered (and shocked) to do anything about it.
What we all need to do when people do this to us is to point the spotlight at them and put them in the hotseat. What gives them the right to ask such rude, nosy questions? What gives them the right to put someone else on the spot like that? Were they raised by wolves? And since we’re all asking rude personal questions, why don’t they tell us how many times they masturbate each week? Huh? How about it?
Fighting rudeness and impoliteness by being rude and impolite in turn isn’t going to get anyone very far. If someone asks a question I don’t want to answer I usually reply, smiling, with something along the lines of, “I’m sorry. That’s none of your business.” That’s all I have to say about that.
[QUOTE=Miss Bianca]
Not that it’s any excuse for asking such a rude personal question, but maybe they mean it as a compliment, like “With all you have to offer, surely you must be able to date (or marry) anyone you want.” At least, that’s how I think all of you should interpret the question from now on! snip
QUOTE]
Hehe, yeah, I’ve gotten this version of the question before…I don’t mind it so much, b/c it’s more of a compliment than anything.
It’s odd, though, I usually get the other version of the question from girls with boyfriends. I think I’ve narrowed down the kind of gal that would ask this…usually it’s a girl who’s had boyfriends all her life, no matter what, wether she likes the guy all that much or not. She sees the bf as a necessity, rather than an optional addition to your life. The kind of girl / woman who would not be able to be alone - thus, she can’t understand why I would want to be alone.
*I should probably add here that I have nothing against have a boyfriend or SO of any kind. I’ve had them, and I will continue to have them. Still, they are not a necessity to having a good life (good sex, yes…happy life? not necessarily)
But see, that’s the problem. To the “I’m entitled to be nosy” crowd, such an answer is rude. They will get offended if you tell them that they just asked you a question that was none of their business.
While I agree that asking someone about their masturbation habits is very rude (but some people deserve to be asked anyway), laughing at someone for asking a rude question can be really quite appropriate. You’re not getting huffy with them, you’re having a grand old time. You think they’re funny. Instead of getting pissed and possibly making the atmosphere tense (or making yourself look uptight in some people’s eyes), you’re lightening the mood in the room by laughing.
Cousin: ‘So, got a boyfriend yet?’
Me: ‘Nope’
Cousin: ‘Really! Why not?’
Me: ‘Cos I’m mean’
Cousin ‘…’
Brother: ‘No, it’s true. She makes boys cry’
Cousin: ‘…’
Me: ‘Oh look. Little round snacky things. Excuse me…’
[/iefg-g]
I don’t have a boyfriend because… I don’t know why. It doesn’t really bother me. (I’m 20). I don’t really make boys cry, but my brother rescues my from those conversations, and I save him from ‘why are you wearing nail polish/ not at university/ playing rugby’. It’s a good system’
When people ask me a rude or personal question, I often respond with Why do you ask? They usually back down.
Or I would feel okay with just telling them that the question is just too personal.
More often I am likely to answer with a completely complex and confusing bit of “misdirection” and they are too bewildered to go further. This worked particularly well with my students:
“Why aren’t you married?”
It has something to do with webbed fingers.
“Huh?”
I really can’t talk about it without crying. I couldn’t wear a wedding ring. Let’s just leave it at that.
“I’ll forgive you for asking that question if you’ll forgive me for not answering it.”
Not my idea, I think it might have been Dear Abby or some such. And I’ll admit I’ve never used it. Actually, I’ve never needed to. (Either I live a very sheltered life, or my family and friends are just extremely polite. Uhmm, must be the former.)
Anyway, I always thought this was a good comeback. Gives you the chance to take the high road, and still get away with ignoring the question. Plus it points out to them the rudeness of their question, without getting confrontational about it. And since you’ve been so very cultured and polite about things, they can’t very well do less and get snotty about it.
I have to agree with MonkeyMensch on this one. As a single male I am constantly questioned by my workmates about what I am up to. If I don’t want to talk about it we have conversations like this:
Workmate - “Did you have a good weekend?”
Me - “Yeah I went to the art gallery.”
Workmate - “Who did you go with?”
Me - “A friend of mine.”
Workmate - “Was it a female friend?”
Me - “Man Ray’s photographs. It’s a terrific exibition.”
Me intermittant extrovert
Me love cave
Me like boobies
Me like booty
Methinks when people ask that question they are trying to be helpful. They see that you may be a good person, and that if you find a significant other, you could be happy.
Or they are hitting on you.
Grannie is my worst offender, she always asks if I have a girlfriend every few weeks.
I havent looked, I do eyeball the hotties though.
Im like the comic book guy from the simpsons, but not balding, and I like books and pc games and beer.
