No kidding! Won’t somebody think of the mustard?!
I am waiting for some eccentric millionaire somewhere whose path I somehow crossed to send me a large cheque in the mail or pay off my mortgage or something just for being so gosh-darn nice.
checks CanvasShoe’s location, and thinks that it has to be cooler than 100 degrees in Alaska this time of year
On the subject of sick fantasies, I had several back when I was working involving various co-workers. Most of them involved gags…I was so sick of having to listen to conversations being held twenty feet from my cubicle, particularly since my manager could never adequately explain why these were less disruptive to work than my occasional perusal of the SDMB.
Nice! If I can’t have my first choice, this would be a close second.
First choice? Instant Karma for the whole planet. On-the-spot payback, for every deed, fair and foul, ever committed, and ongoing into the future. The initial hit would be horrible - the planet would be a good deal more spacious afterwards, and the cleanup would be extensive. But afterwards, the world would be a much nicer place to live. Of course, as the instigator in what is certain to be an incomprehensible amount of pain, suffering, and death in retribution for the accumulated karmic debts of the planet, I’d no doubt suffer all the pain and degredation of the entire planet - making me a sinkhole for that vengance and retribution. Which fact is what makes my fantasy really sick.
But my children would grow up in a nice, polite, safe world.
Have you seen this show?
http://www.advfilms.com/CatalogFilms_Detail.asp?ID=4251
I recommend it, if not.
I never thought I would say this, but… Can I hear more from Wendigo please?
Most of mine are easily guessed - random stranger and people I know sex fantasies.
My one mundane one is a world in which retail employees are treated as though they are (and actually comprise) skilled workers, and respected as such. I’d also like the ability to call people out for being assholes at work, and treat them as such. Right now, about the only thing that I can do to retaliate is to set the money down on the counter and make them pick up $12.52 off of the counter, because they don’t have the decency to put the money in my hand.
Ever watch the Showtime series, Dexter? That’s basically what the main character does, but he’s a genius serial killer who also works for the police department. He only kills other serial killers. You should check it out, it’s kinda like your fantasy, and it’s an amazingly written and acted.
Hmmm, sick fantasy? I used to fantasize this about my daughter’s dad, but I’ve kind of gotten past wanting bad things to happen to him. So now the fantasy is about someone else, a mean, sadist of a step-dad that I have the misfortune of knowing.
In the fantasy the guy is walking to his car in a sparsely filled parking lot. Suddenly he sees my dad in his periphery, and sensing danger, begins to walk faster. But he can’t walk fast enough because dad catches up to him, lists his sins, and then beats his ass. No cops are called and my dad doesn’t get caught, and the guy knows it was about how he treats the kids so he straightens up and starts being a decent person.
I’m not sure why my dad is always the one I see doing the ass kicking, perhaps it’s because he’s always threatening it. I’d love to see it happen before he gets too old. He can be pretty intimidating.
Mine is rather sick and twisted…
The world leaders, strapped to their chairs, with electrodes attached to their genitals, and lie detectors attached to the rest of their bodies. A lie gets you 50 volts… the next lie gets you 55 volts… and so on…
CNN, FOX, CBS, Rueters, TASS, and any other news agencies have cameras. micro phones galore.
Question is : " How can we best situate ourselves to maximise the potential of our global civilization?"
Last person talking wins
Sadistic or what… truely I am a twisted man… grins and hugs
Regards
FML
It was about 68 or so today. But it feels a lot hotter to us. 
This is one I’ve dreamt about for years.
I want to dress my cat up in a frilly pink baby dress and matching bonnet and booties (four!) and put her in a pram, a real, old fashioned pram, and put on my early 1960s vintage blue gingham dress and some fake pearls and modest pumps and take a stroll.
I shall be extremely proud when people tell me what a cute little kitty-girl I have! I really, really want to to do this, but my boyfriend forbids it; and she was his cat first. He just doesn’t understand how adorable my dear little Miss Fritters would be!
I know it’s abjectly depraved, but I fantasize about having a job which provides health insurance. Does it get any more twisted than that?
I would seek counselling…if I could afford to do so.
I’m a fifth grade teacher and I get really tired of the lazy slacker children who don’t their homework (any work) and then they get passed on to 6th grade anyway.
So here’s what I would do. I would have duplicates of all the assignments they didn’t do throughout the school year. Then on the last day of school, I would give them the telephone book-sized stack of assignments. (I envision dropping it on their desks with a loud thud.) Then I would tell them that they couldn’t leave the building until this work was finished.
I would think, I’d only have to do this once…homework problems solved. 
Im lost and alone in a seriously bad area in the early hours ,a group of thugs are walking towards me when a car pulls up beside me .
I hear a womens voice “jump in ,jump in they’ll kill you !”
I jump in and the car pulls away .
I then become aware that Willow from Buffy is driving ,Anna Kournikova is holding a gun on me and Jennifer Aniston is looking at me menacingly.
I feel too humiliated to go into detail the sexual enslavement they force me through for the next six weeks (except for two days when I escaped to get a little shut eye)
This isn’t actually a fantasy but a nightmare I endure quite often especially after eating cheese .
I saw a doctor about it and he recommended eating Edam which I do most nights now.
But you just cant comprehend the emotional pain I go through,the sheer non stop SEX again and again and again !and when they force me to watch them having lesbian sex !..I, I, Im sorry I just cant go on any more ,is there anyone .ANYONE at all who can get me out of this torment !!!
I’ll get my coat.
The day they tell me I have an inoperable brain tumor I go home, do some work on my van (moving the radiator back six inches, reinforcing the front suspension and welding in some bracer rods, putting a nice railroad tie bumper on the front, welding a 750lb chunk of sheet steel over the rear axle for extra traction and hitting power, installing five point restraints, etc.) and then I go out vigilante driving. My van isn’t very fast, so if I’m coming up behind you in the left lane you have NO reason not to get over. One flash-to-pass ignored and WHAMMO–pit maneuver into the Armco, motherfucker! I could probably get away with this for quite some time, especially if I take the precaution of snagging a whole bunch of license plates out of long term storage yards and by the time they get done catching me and prosecuting I’ll either be dead or the state will have to foot my hospital bills–win/win!
I used to fantasize about tearing my ex’s throat out with my teeth but I got better.
On the happy side I have those win-the-lottery fantasies where I leave a perfectly chosen new car in the driveways of all my favorite people–with a big bow on top.
I often fantasize about giving one sharp, crisp, openhanded slap to people who misbehave in public–especially those who are evil to their kids. Just walk right up, say “excuse me,” then WHAP! Right across the chops. One satisfied nod, a tip of the hat to the person getting the abuse and I spin on my heel and sashay out the door, leaving the rude fucker standing there with a perfectly defined hand print and a shocked expression on his/her face. I’d invest in a kid leather sap glove to make this one come true! Cream, opera length…
Two words:
“I’m Batman!”
Nuff said.
I’m only resurecting this thread to confess the truth: People, I lied.
I have no sick workplace fantasy & would be horrified at the thought of one.
I’ve hidden this until now, but my truly sick fantasy is depraved. My sick fantasy would be that someday, when I die, someone would read some of my better posts at my funeral. I figure that, hey, I’ll be dead & gone and people will be upset over a stuffed suit-in-the-box for no good reason. If I could get just a few of those people to laugh, then maybe (just maybe) it would have been a life well written.
Bonus points if we can get the priest to snort and cough.
Bah.
I plan on being wheeled into my funeral 15 minutes behind schedule. As I’m the kind of guy who’d be late to his own funeral.
I’ll be wearing a shirt that says “I’d rather be breathing”.
Okay, here’s another one…I just stayed up tonight, until just half an hour or so ago* perfecting a DEFCON game. Under my wise leadership, China/South Asia completely defeated the African Union. In the end, I still retained a good portion of my navy and air force and lost only three radar stations, while utterly demolishing the enemy’s forces. I was quite proud of managing to take out two enemy silos with combined air strikes and SLBM action before he launched his missiles, taking out most of the rest with subs when they tried to launch a retaliatory strike, and saving my own land-based missiles sites for ABM duties that saved the cities of the Middle Kingdom from attack, before I was safe to use them for “mopping up” duties against enemy population centers.
All told, a little over 112 million dead (and only 28 million mine—sorry, India.), and Africa’s military forces reduced to a single South African radar outpost.
Asia only had 12 nuclear weapons left. Africa had 16 million survivors, crawling in the radioactive ash that was their cities.
In a little over three hours, the cradle of humanity lay dead and burning.
[pause]
Dang, that was a fun night.
*Okay, with my normal sleep/work schedule, that’s not actually saying much. But still…