After watching Youtube promos of his new reality show, I decided to brush up on my Steven Seagal bio info.
Aikido instructor. Check.
Martial arts movie star. Check.
Under Siege grosses nine figures. Check.
Martial arts movie craze ends, Seagal fails to cross over into a non-fight film actor, movie grosses plummet, he loses picture deal. Happens.
With notable exceptions, movies start going direct to video. Happens to the best of 'em.
Then . . . . on Wikipedia, I start learning on one DTV movie he got sued because he was accused of showing up late, leaving early . . . that on some of these DTV movies he isn’t even in the fight scenes
. Coincidentally, I got to catch about 20 minutes of one of his efforts, “Out for a Kill”, thinking, heh, how bad can this be?
Well, for 20 minutes Seagal shows up on ONE scene, his hair, if its his real hair looks like it was combed with static electricity, and his scene lasts 15 seconds. Then, no more Steven Seagal. I clicked to something else, because let’s be honest, you watch a Steven Seagal movie for . . . Steven Seagal, even an older, bloated hairy Steve Seagal.
But my research gets even weirder. Here is a list of DTV movies Steven Seagal has been in since his last “hit”, and theatrically released movie, Exit Wounds:
Half Past Dead (2002)
The Foreigner (2003)
Out for a Kill (2003)
Belly of the Beast (2003)
Out of Reach (2004)
Into the Sun (2005)
Today You Die (2005)
Black Dawn (2005)
Mercenary for Justice (2006)
Shadow Man (2006)
Attack Force (2006)
Flight of Fury (2007)
Urban Justice (2007)
Pistol Whipped (2008)
The Onion Movie (2008)
Kill Switch (2008)
Against The Dark (2009)
Driven To Kill (2009)
The Keeper (2009)
A Dangerous Man (2010)
Born to Raise Hell (2010)
Urban Justice 2 (2010)
Under Siege 3 (2011)
Here’s what I am getting at: Seagal is averaging about THREE of these bombs a year! Some of them cost $15 million to make, and there’s no way they are making their money back, even in the DTV market. Granted, The Onion Movie wasn’t really a “Steven Seagal” movie, but still.
Or are they? Am, I missing something? At some point, wouldn’t the movie audience catch on that if they rent a Steven Seagal movie, he might be barely in it? Or even in the fight scenes???
Here is my theory:
Steven Seagal somehow cons money mark after money mark to finance this drudge, then hardly shows up for the movie, but collects a cut convincing the producer they are financing the next “Exit Wounds”. Then, he uses his charm and charisma to find another idiot to finance his next turkey. Kinda similar to Axl Rose’s Chinese Democracy scam.
Financing runs out for a movie. But the money has already been paid and shot. The producers, desperate, call Steve Seagal, write a few lines for him in the movie, shoot some extra scenes, and put him on the box so they at least try and sell a few copies.
Whats the Straight Dope with what has got to be Hollywood’s most prolific string of futility in the past several decades?