Ugh! This is one of my worst social habbits. All to often if I go to a restraunt and the waiter/waitress ask me “How are you” I usaully respond with… “I’ll have an iced tea, beer, ect… to start with”
I always feel so bad after doing that because I know it’s incredibly rude…
I tell them about my ingrowing toenail/boil/gum infection…
Well they asked 
I say “Better than I deserve, how about you?” It’s a little different, and usually catches people by surprise. (What’s most fun is when they identify the radio guy I stole that line from.)
Or…‘The voices tell me I’m fine’… 
I usually just say “hi” in return and get down to business. While I don’t intend to be rude, I figure that the obligatory “how are you today?” stuff has been foisted on the store clerks of the world by the store operators of the world, and I don’t actually think for a second that a store clerk particularly cares how I’m doing.
“Oh, I think I’ll survive the week.”
Then, if it’s early in the week, I’ll hedge a little: “but, I hate to go out on a limb like that.” or if it’s late in the week: “I think it’s probably safe to say at this point.”
Then we’ll both laugh, and I’ll ask the clerk how s/he is.
I disagree. Running items over a scanner for 8 hours would get mighty boring with no human contact. While the clerk may not really care how you are doing, he may very well want to inject a little conversation into his shift rather than just stare at a person who is nervously shifting back and forth waiting for everything to scan through.
Since clerks are real people and not store robots, I often chat with them to pass the time for both of us.
When the waitress says “Hi, I’m Debbie, and I’ll be your waitress today”, I’ve always wanted to respond “Hi, I’m David, and I’ll be your customer today”
… but I’ve never actually dunnit.
The Simpsons already did it.
Please keep not doing it. Thanks.
What, you expect me, to watch the Simpsons?.This is the straightdope-- the finest collection of intellect ever gathered (since 1973, I suppose), and I am a fully paid-up member (and I got it for half price , 1 day before the deadline last April )
And yet you think I should be aware of Homer Simpson, and apologize for stealing his line?
Well, okay—I’ll admit it. I missed a couple of episodes. Duh!!!
It was Bart, not Homer.
Heathen.
I agree with this. The folks at the local Kwik e Mart, know that asking me any of the usual questions will result in an interesting story. I first told the I’ll Stop The World And Melt With You story to one of them. As they know of my interest in science, they were left wondering how much, if any, of the story was true.
The manager, who was a candy gourmet himself, knew to alert me when a new brand or variation was released.
They could judge how well my life was going by how often I came in, at what time, and by what I bought.
My responce is always, “Not bad, yourself?”
“Fine, thanks. Yourself?” with a smile, to both store clerks and waitrons.
And yes, sometimes they look surprised – but I generally get answers and smiles back, and sometimes even amusing anecdotes about how the day is really going.
The other day I was in a store, looking at merchandise, and I didn’t notice the clerk approach me. He was in his late teens/early twenties, with a ponytail, a scraggly goatee, and baggy eyelids. He asked me, “How are you doing today?”
I was caught off guard, so instead of answering the question, I responded, “Uh… Hi.”
He got a big grin on his face, nodded knowingly, and said, “Excellent!”
I get asked this about eight or nine times a day at least. I usually answer with “I’m fine, yourself?” or “I’m doin’ great, and yourself?”
I wonder if people expect a truthful answer when they ask how someone is doing. Sometimes in the past when something bad would happen to me (death of a loved one, car wreck, etc) and I would be asked how my day was I would think to myself, "Should I tell them my day sucks and I’d rather be sleeping or should I just shove a “fine, yourself?” at them and keep walking.
The only time I have ever answered this question with something funny was when I stole a line from a shirt I had seen and it went like this:
Coworker: Good morning, how are you today?
Me: Meh! I’d rather be playing with myself!
Coworker: (Grins)
And it’s “Doh!!!”, not “Duh!!!”
amateur
I usually say “I’m good, thank you!” with a smile, but sometimes I go with a roll of the eyes and a rueful grin and say "I’m having one of those days’, which usually gets a sympathetic chuckle and some commiseration. The last time I did that, it turned out that I had stupidly gone to the wrong bank, and so we all got to have a good laugh at my idiocy before I slunk away.
A lot of clerks that I come into contact with like to end their transactions with a friendly " You have a good one!".
I like to reply " Who told you?".