In this thread on dating site etiquette, I posed the question, “When did the distinction between “dating” and “going steady” disappear?” This question seems worthy of its own thread, so here goes:
Back in the '50s, “dating” was not exclusive - in TV and movies from the period, you frequently see Betty Sue tell Wally she can’t go out with him this weekend, because she has a date with Ricky, “but I’m free next weekend!” When a coouple decided their relationship had become serious enough to become exclusive, they were said to be “going steady”. Going steady was considered a desirable condition, and most teenage girls desperately wanted to achieve this status.
As a commentator in the other thread noted, some parents would discourage daughters from going steady, preferring that they continue to date around. While some steady couples did go on to a sexual relationship, this was by no means the norm in the '50s.
Sometime between then and the time I got into the dating game, in the early '70s, this all changed dramatically.
By 1972 or so, if you went on more than one date with a person, it was assumed to be exclusive. A girl who “dated around” would be thought of as “easy” if not an outright slut.
Of course, by that time, if you went on three or more dates with the same person, everyone assumed (usually correctly) that you were sleeping together. Perhaps this is the cause of the change? When sex became a routine part of dating, exclusivity became necessary?
This is not true in my corner of reality. I didn’t assume I was exclusive with my current SO until I specifically brought the subject up, and that was probably four or five dates into it. From what I can tell, she did not assume the same with me, either. While I haven’t heard the term “going steady” being used in my generation (I’m 33), I would say that among my peers “seeing each other” is now used for inexclusive dating, and “dating” is used for exclusivity, although one’s mileage may vary on those terms, depending on your circle of friends, region, etc.
Going Steady…that term was used when I was in Jr. high but I think we just said “Susie’s going with Mikey” in high school. There wasn’t much in the way of ring exchange in my circle of friends. This was early 70s.
Wasn’t true for me either. I don’t remember when there was ever a negative to dating multiple people. Sleeping with multiple people, maybe.
And today, as far as I can tell from my kids, “dating” has more or less disappeared. People do things together. Superficially, the difference between my daughter going out with someone she is interested in vs someone who is just a friend is vanishingly small.
With the obvious disclaimer that I’m not there and I don’t know your kids, I think you’re misunderstanding what your kids do. You seem to suggest that the activities persist and the relationship has disappeared. I think it’s the other way around. There are distinct times when you’re dating someone and when you’re just friends. However, both situations usually involve just general “hanging out”.
IOW, to you, it looks like daughter Sally is doing the same thing with Jimmy as she is with Mikey and you think “She must not be dating.” The reality of it is that Jimmy’s the boyfriend and Mikey’s the friend. You, mom/dad, just can’t tell.
If that’s what you meant all along, then, well…seconded.
Like I said, we know very well who she is interested in and who she isn’t. Activities with both sets of boys look exactly the same.
Actually, when I was in grad school we did the same kind of thing, but that was because the dorm was co-ed, so we hung out. This was before many dorms went co-ed. We were considered old enough to be responsible, I suppose.
There seems to be a lot more emphasis placed on defining this sort of stuff in the States. I’m nearly forty, have been in several long term relationships (including marriage), and some shorter ones, and I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a “date”. Things just happened.
I think it is probably the formality of dating has changed. In the past (if tv hasn’t lied to me), it seems the boys and girls kept more separate, until one of the boys asked a girl on a date. It was therefore more common to date several people. Dating was hanging out, getting to know the people. You went steady when you decided to be a couple. Now, I think, boys and girls spend more time together, so the getting to know each other happens before the dating part. Instead of dating, then going steady, you are friends, then you go steady.
In my region of the planet “going out” is the term, and generally implies some kind of exclusivity (or at least is expected by one of the parties). Amongst my age group (mid 20’s), an exculsive relationship is generally something which is verbally agreed upon. However I feel the OP is refering to relationships in the U18 category. Then gossip and hearsay become as much a part of what defines the relationship as anything that two individuals might actually be doing. In my experience I’ve found that teenagers of varying ripeness will generally date (term used in reference to a two-some affair, and at least one member intends on practicing wrestling) exculsively, for however short a time that may be. If it’s just sex (or anything purely physically gratifying), then you’re “seeing someone”.
I think those formal definitions of relationships were part of the progression of things from old-fashioned “courting,” which seems to have had fairly well understood rules and protocols, from back in the days when girls were property and closely guarded by their families. As attitudes relaxed and women became people, more rules and definitions were created to describe whatever was customary then. Fifty years later, things have relaxed to the point where hanging out/dating/marriage may all look the same to outsiders. My husband and I still disagree about what our first date was (in the long-ago days of 2002), because he wasn’t sure whether it was a date or not. From what I’ve observed of our single friends, “exclusive dating” still is something that has to be specified and agreed upon by a couple, otherwise it’s all casual and may or may not include sexual involvement.
I think the fact that “dating” in the 50’s didn’t automatically imply “having sex” probably had something to do with there being less expectation of (at least temporary) exclusivity.
I think the concept of “dating” changed when it became more acceptable to hang out with members of the opposite sex on a casual basis. When I’m interested in someone I invite them out for coffee or something, but I don’t really consider this a “date.” It’s just a couple people hanging out, not something that has all the expectations of a “date”.
When my sister was in high school (class of 1970) dating a different boy each weekend was common, and ritualized…he called, asked you out, you got dressed up a bit (depending on the date) he came to the door and picked you up, then returned you home by 11pm. You might date boy A one week, boy B the next, Back to boy A, then boy C, boy B again…it all depended on who called you first. Once you started dating boy B a couple weeks in a row, and he stopped asking out other girls, and kissed you, then you were considered “going together” and he was expected to soon make you his “steady” by giving you his class ring or his ID bracelet. You wore the ring on a chain around your neck, or wrapped yarn around it to make it small enough to fit on your finger. When you two broke up, you HAD to give the ID or the ring back.
By the time I got into high school (class of 1975) things had changed a bit. Girls and boys still went steady with rings and ID’s, but dating a variety of people in a series was not as common. One date, and maybe two, and then you’d better be going together or it was over. If he dated anyone else at the same time, he was a jerk. If he liked you enough to ask you out, he was supposed to hold off on dating anyone else until it had been determined if you were going to become a couple…much more monogamous.
By the time my daughter was in high school, (class of 2000) there was hanging out and hooking up (no sex, and sex) and boyfriend/girlfriend, which meant you were a couple and practically married.
I think I’ve rarely heard anyone talk about ‘dating’ or going on a ‘date’ except perhaps in jest. People meet other people, usually though mutual friends or social situation, and somehow, by relationship osmosis they spend more time together with others, then on their own, until they seem at some point to become a couple.
Of course I must cite the counter example, me and my current partner, who having known each other for years grew closer after a relationship crisis in his life, and are probably the only known instance in my experience of old style courting! We started going out for dinner together very regularly, and talking late into the night, with not a whisker of a kiss, cuddle, or anything that could be construed as amorous. Of course, we’d have been horrified to have heard that referred to dating or to think anyone might get the wrong idea (they did, and we were). Right up until we realised that we had indeed been courting for the best part of 8 months, fell in love, got together, bought a house and intend to live happily ever after.
But the point remains; we certainly wouldn’t have called that dating, though perhaps that says more about our insight at the time than anything else!
There is the other side of this - people whose work/social situation means that this isn’t an option and have to opt for things like internet or speed dating (I’m in that category). In that case people talk of dates quite easily, even if the word date itself isn’t used (met up, went out with, hooked up with etc).
This causes a lot of issues for me. I, at one point, was dating 3 different guys at once. I wanted to be exclusive with one of them, but with the distant between us it ended up not working out. I hated dating 3 of them because even though I wasn’t exclusive with any one of them, I didn’t like that I had a choice. I am not sure why. It just looked bad.
Ultimately when talk of being exclusive with the one I really liked, he stated that we should continue seeing other people. When I told him that I was, the next day he said that distant was an issue for him. Though after talking to him a month later he admitted that when he said to “date other people”, he didn’t actually think I was going to do it.
I went out on a date that wanted to see me again, but made it very clear that he wanted sex on the first date. When I asked what the rush was he said, “I want to know if we are sexual compatible.” Then he also stated that it was the 20th century and having sex on the first date is like a first kiss. Ha! That was over 2 months ago and he still hasn’t gotten it. The more he talks about it, the longer he waits.
Yes, that is true, I guess I just don’t know any of these people. I think my friends must still be resisting the lure of the new dating technologies. If they don’t meet people through the usual situations they just sit around whinging about being single. I shall suggest they use some of the newer initiatives. North West London will become a hive of dating activity!
