When do your SO's get to meet your family?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have this cousin, call her Autumn, who is a very pretty girl of 23. She seems to be one of those people who “needs” to be dating - maybe not always having her future husband hanging off her arm but like to be in a relationship more than she likes to be single.

Our families live close enough that we meet up more than just on holidays. Maybe once a month or so. Not some big event, just “hey, they’re coming for dinner.” Every so often the family will come out from Arizona and that’ll be a week of get-togethers, or we’ll get together for a birthday that includes our family, the cousin’s family and grandma & grandpa.

In the last year since she’s broken up with her only-ever long-term boyfriend (her baby-daddy, actually) she’s brought a different guy to family get-togethers.

One guy…they had just met on Yahoo Personals and it was their first date. He got to meet her aunt, uncle, cousins and grandparents. Another guy got to go out to dinner with us for grandpa’s 71st birthday - my dad got to pay for that guy’s dinner. Another guy came to her (and her mom’s) nursing school graduation dinner (my dad paid again) and then attended the actual graduation the next night. He got to meet the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents AND the extended family from Arizona. He was in all the graduation pics - they broke up shortly thereafter.

At Christmas I asked her what happened to “graduation guy” because he seemed nice. She said they broke up and everyone else missed him more than she did. I called her on it and said it made her look bad that she’s got a different fella with her every time we or her grandparents see her and she needs to cut that out. You know - leave the guy at home.

She agreed but…her dad came over for the Super Bowl this Sunday and mentioned that Autumn wanted to come too - with her new boyfriend. My dad told him no, the boyfriend wasn’t invited. Not because dad didn’t like the boyfriend (he doesn’t know him) but he’s sick of being in the awkward situation of having to entertain and pay for Autumn’s guys.

I totally agree with my dad on this. I am livid that he had to pay for these other guys’ dinners previously. Granted, my dad wouldn’t have had to pay for any dinner Sunday but it’s not fair to him to have to keep inviting “strange” guys into his home.

There was no hard feelings, no kerfuffle or anything…

I am just wondering how other people deal with SO’s around their families.

Personally, my folks don’t get to meet my guys for quite a while and even then it’s just “in passing” while they’re picking me up. Now that I’ve moved out, no one got to meet my current boyfriend for about 6 months. I think it took even longer for him to meet my brother.

None of my aunts or uncles or grandparents have met any of my boyfriends since maybe 2001. My brother has been the same way - we didn’t meet his now-fiancee until they’d been dating about 6 months. She met the grandparents et al maybe a year into it.

I don’t like bringing guys around mainly because I don’t like dealing with the “where’d he go?” once we’ve broken up. I like to know we’re “solid” before mixing him into the fold.

On top of all that, my grandparents are old-fashioned judgmental old folks. They’re still dealing with Autumn being a single mother…now they’ve seen a handful of guys in a year - I wouldn’t be surprised if they think she’s slutty.

If I had a dating history like my cousin (guys last, at most, 2 months) I’d CERTAINLY make sure we had something solid before making my family endure and entertain my guy.

But am I being old-fashioned myself? I want to know how other folks deal with bringing their SO’s around their families, and what other people think of how others deal with it.

2

I’ll bring “a date” if it’s a date-appropriate occasion (party, etc.), though not if it’s not necessarily (family meal, holiday gathering). And when I do bring someone, I always make it clear upfront what the guy’s status is: “Guy friend who I’m not dating,” “Dating, but it’s very casual” or “Dating and it’s an exclusive relationship.” That way it’s clear to my family/friends what level of welcome and/or interrogation they should offer.

3

This has been an issue with the current girl I’m dating. She wanted me to meet her family VERY early on, and I was pretty upfront in saying that I believed it was too soon. Still, her sis was visiting from Texas and I likely wouldn’t get to meet her again for a year or so, so I compromised and met part of her family when her sis was in town.

Still it’s been 3 or 4 months, and she hasn’t met my family. I believe our relationship needs to be “solid” before those big introductions come.

The girl I’m dating thought it was weird that I’m holding off, and told me some of the previous guys she’s dated met her family on their first date. While this was appropriate in high school (picking the girl up at home and whatnot), I think in adult relationships some adjustments need to be made. 6 months is a good amount of time to wait before the family meetings start, I think.

4

She can meet my sisters whenever, no big deal there. Plus my sisters are good judges of character. She meets my parents after I can’t stand them complaining that they haven’t met her yet anymore.

5

I was like this when I was a free-wheelin’ dating type person. A guy didn’t have to be “the real deal” to be brought around the family.

6

I had a six month rule when I was still single. I’d wait four to six months to introduce them to my daughter, and about six to meet the rest of my family. I want to make sure it’s the real deal before involving them with my child and parents (lest they get scared off, haha).

I think my parents met two guys prior to my husband and my brother brought home one girl before his wife.

7

Hmm. If I were able to set an established rule, six months is a nice, realistic, and logical one. Of course, as real life has happened to me, that “rule” was never set or followed, but things happened as they happened, for better or worse.

My parents met my first boyfriend only in passing, and there was no formal introduction. Just a “Hi, Gil! Nice to see you!”

My parents met my first serious SO very casually at first, since he was always hanging around me, but probably never got a proper introduction until about three months into the relationship. Shortly after, he began getting invited to family gatherings, probably about 4-5 months after we began dating. That wasn’t so bad.

My second serious relationship, I actually got engaged to the guy - and he *never * met my parents face-to-face. There were many plans on that happening before we actually married, and my mother wasn’t terribly pleased with not being able to meet him before I got the ring (and my father silently thought the whole ordeal rather rude) - I met his family the first day we met face to face, and he has never, to this day, even seen my parents, or any of my family. He has spoken to my brother, but that’s it.

My husband was an odd case. My parents knew we were friends. When I threw my hissy fit about not going back to Seattle unless someone came and got me, and he showed up on my doorstep, well, I took him around my hometown, introduced him to my family and friends, and we had a lovely time. As I was getting on the plane for (what was supposed to be) my Christmas vacation, my mother gave me a hug and whispered to me that she thought this guy was handsome, and I should consider dating him, and maybe someday I’d marry him! I was shocked at my mother and gave her a mild scolding over it, but she had that damn twinkle in her eye. “Don’t let him get away!” she whispered. I rolled my eyes at her, thinking that now I would never date him, let alone marry him, since my mother thinks it’s a good idea. I’ve never listened to my mother. She’s always wrong.

We were married that February. Why does she always have to be right? Anyway, my family came to visit with us this past Christmas, and my mother gleefully wrote emails home to everyone about how great my husband is, and how she just knew when she met him he was the right one, and all that good stuff.

Ah, well. It was worth it. But if I could have had everything planned out, I would go by the six-month rule. It’s a good rule.

8

Six months is a reasonable amount of time to wait before meeting the parents. My fiance and I started dating in March a few years ago, and my mother met him when he came to visit me in June. (We were dating in college, and I went home for the summer. He came to visit because he missed me.) So, that’s about four months. Not horrible, but a little early. I met his parents that September; at seven months, we were entering a long distance phase of our relationship, as he had graduated college and couldn’t find a good job to keep him local. Now, almost four years after we started dating, neither of our parents have met the other set of parents, and I haven’t met anyone outside of his nuclear family (except for one cousin while touring an USAF base). He has, however, met a sizeable portion of my family by attending my older brother’s wedding and by celebrating Thanksgiving with my family this year. I’m adamant that, before we start doing any planning for our eventual wedding, all the parents should meet each other so it’s easier to coordinate what’s going on.

9

I’m on the earlier is better plan (or was, before I met & married Mrs. Butler).

I want to know the SO’s family, as I think it gives a good indication as to the character of the person whom I was interested in developing a relationship with. I know it’s not always accurate, but those that I had great relationships with, also had families with similar qualities to mine (YMMV).

Mrs. Butler wanted me to meet her family ASAP, as she thought they would be a better judge of MY character than she though she was capable of (based on the broken engagement just prior to my meeting her). Her family approved, and I got to keep dating her! :smiley:

In at least one relationship I had, it was something of a deal breaker that I never met her mother. Didn’t sit right with me. She was ALSO crazy, but that was just the icing on the cake.

10

When it’s absolutely unavoidable.

11

I’m more worried about them having to endure my family. One year minimum, maybe longer, before they saw the entire family all at once at a gathering. Six months before they started to meet some of them individually.

12

Bingo! My parents only met one boyfriend (later known as DeHusband) and that was only because they both had trucks and I was moving. I think one of the reasons I married DeHusband was that he didn’t kill my father when referred to as “DeVena’s Little Boyfriend.” The Little Boyfriend was 35 and a Air Force Captain at the time.

13

Bingo. Like when we’re moving in together after dating for 3 years. Or if I get pregnant. :stuck_out_tongue:

14

So what do you guys think about someone who brings a new SO around to meet extended and very extended (extended and out of state) family after a week or a DAY of meeting?

I’ll let my boyfriends meet my folks or my brother if we all happen to be hangin’ around together…there’s no “set” 6-month rule. But I also wouldn’t even bother asking my guy to come to a family function - for his sake and mine - until we’re quite serious.

Is it weird that I feel awkward around my cousin because she does this?

15

Nope, I think we’re all agreeing that it’s weird.

16

My family is not geographically close, so I didn’t meet my sister-in-law until after she became engaged to my brother. (She had met my parents, and vice versa. I’m not sure that my parents met her parents until 3 weeks before the wedding, though they did talk on the phone several times.)

Because of this, and my general tendency not to date, I’d be disinclined to introduce a boyfriend to my family unless it was serious–6 month rule seems arbitrary, but not out of line.

People have all sorts of standards for their own behavior and often expect other people’s behavior to show the same kind of patterns. If you are inclined to only introduce the serious boyfriends to your family, then you may assume that your cousin thinks each boyfriend she introduces to the family is a serious boyfriend. She may be just thinking he’s a nice guy to hang out with, and as long as everyone knows the score, what’s the harm?

On the other hand, the guy you describe as Graduation Guy (in particular) seems like maybe he got a tad overexposed or something. You know, maybe he could have been invited to a celebratory meal with the family without being in all the pictures?

And I don’t think it’s unreasonable, especially when there is an assumption that someone else will pay for the food, to say, You know, we’d like to spend time with you, not the latest guy you’re dating. It does seem to me like maybe your cousin could stand to develop a little more value for herself regardless of the man in her life.

But if you call her on it, call her on it for your own sake. (I don’t like socializing with a string of guys I never see again). Don’t tell her you think your grandparents will think she’s a slut for bringing around all these different guys.

17

Pretty sure that’s weird. I’ve only had two guys meet my parents (one met my father, one my mother) and since I used to hang out with my brother (until I moved elsewhere) he met a couple. But in my family you don’t really bring people to family things until they’ve been around for a bit. (We don’t have lots of family get togethers anyway, mostly due to distance).

I only just met my cousin’s boyfriend, and they’ve lived together for about a year now (that’s mostly because I only see her at Christmas though). I had heard about him, from her, as in the ‘I think this is serious’ well before I met him.

18

Sorry – unclear. Weird that she does it – not weird that it bothers you.

19

Yeah, ditto, Just realized I did the same thing.

20

The best I can say is my family would meet my SO when I felt comfortable with it. I get along well with my family, but I’m pretty private with my personal life. I wouldn’t introduce a guy to my family if I wasn’t planning on him being in my life for the long-term.

Things are slighty more complicated with my current relationship. My SO and I have been together about two and a half years, and we reached the point where we wanted to meet each other’s families about a year ago. But geography is a factor-- I live 2400 miles west of my SO and just as far east of my parents. So we’ll probably be making trips specifically to meet each other’s families. (He actually could have met my parents four months ago, but we were busy cough and in vacation mode, and we figured we’d be back to visit soon enough.)