When helping someone fix a small problem, do you also have often to fight the helpee to to continue?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I get this sometimes: when dealing with a problem that by its nature takes a number of steps, I have not just to deal with the problem (solving which usually has a simple decision tree), but also with the other person pestering me to abort the procedure beginning after a ridiculously short time.

For example, at work:
Mops, do you work on any projects for which $person_at_customer is point of contact?
Just a moment :: picks up stack of 40 folders and starts looking at spec title sheets. Expects to have answer in 10-80 seconds, depending on luck::
…
…
Oh, don’t bother
Just a moment ::looks at folder #35::
It’s not worth the time
Then you shouldn’t have asked. ::looks at folder #38::
You needn’t
Please. Shut. up. ::looks at folder #39 and 40::
No, no projects with $person.

Or, with my SO phoning me because her Internet access was down:
…
…
OK, please look for the lead from the wall wart to the WLAN router.
I didn’t know it’d take that long
Please bear with me. We have been at it for two minutes, if that
Let’s fix it in the evening
Please please locate the power lead. Please? To do me a favour?
etc. etc.

I can understand setting one’s priorities so as to not solve a problem. I can also understand wanting to solve a problem and investing the requisite time. What’s irritating to me is the apparent desire to invest time in not solving a problem. Imagine someone changing a car tyre and deciding not to bother when the nuts on the new wheel just need to be tightened.

2

My experiences in this is usually when someone asks a question and the answer is longer than four words. They get all pissy and annoyed that the subject is complicated.

3

Yes, I can relate. It happens commonly in situations related to computers or technology.

“What, you cannot just solve my problem or tell me the answer off the cuff? If it is going to take any effort or engagement from me, then forget it. I did not know it was going to take a small degree of effort.”

4

Some people do tend to go on and on and on and make things more complicated than necessary. Could that describe any of you? :slight_smile:

Also, the person asking may not want to impose on your time if it turns out something’s going to take a lot of it. I’m like that.

5

What I despise is when the person I’m trying to help starts arguing with me over it. Look, if you knew enough to fix it on your own, you wouldn’t have asked me to help.

6

Yeah, that’s why I won’t help Crazy Leslie one desk over with her Excel anymore.

7

GAH! This makes me NUTS!
My mother, bless her soul, will ask me how to do some mundane task like forward an email and then refuse to do what I tell her.

Me: See that little icon right there? Click it
Her: I think it’s over here someplace…
M: No, it’s right there where I showed you, just click…
H: I remember seeing it under one of these menus…
M: That could be, but if you’ll just click this icon…
H: Let me do it MY way!
M: :rolleyes:

8

I’m probably guilty of sometimes giving more complicated answers than necessary. “How much will it cost to add 6TB of storage?” I’m asked.

“Well, we need to get an external cabinet, a controller card, the drives…” I respond. When they just really want to hear “$3000.”

Of course the problem is when I’m argued with, “But I can buy a 3TB drive for $200, why can’t you just get a couple of those?” So I sometimes put my explanation ahead of my answer, when it’s going to be news I don’t think somebody wants to hear.

But yes, I’m quite experienced with the phenomenon of people arguing when I’m trying to help. Fortunately the people most guilty of that where I work have left over the last few years.

“Click that,” pointing.
“I thought I clicked this other thing.”
I think, no never, why would you click Excel to get to a webpage? “I’m telling you how to do it now, just click that thing there.”
…
If you knew so much how to do it, why did you have to call me to help you? Of course I never say that…

The other one, is the people that won’t shut up about whatever they’re asking and let me get around to answering. I like to handle this by letting them interrupt me, and then I shut up. Eventually they get bored talking, realize I haven’t said a word to them yet, or just finish their story. I guess it wastes my time, but it’s easier than arguing.

An entertaining pattern, now that I’m old and don’t live with my parents, is something my Dad will do. It usually involves tools. We’re going to do some project, like cut a piece of wood. He’ll take the saw out of my hands, proceed to lecture me about how to use it as he does whatever task needs to be done, and then asks why he’s the one doing the work. Last time this happened was extra funny, because before making a cut he asked me if I was going to do it or just stand there, so I said, “I’ll do it if you’ll give me back the saw.” I do appreciate his help on things he has more experience with, but either let me do it, show me how to do it and let me do more, or just do it yourself. Don’t do it yourself, and then ask why you did it yourself.

9

I have been on both ends of this situation for the same reasons:

When I am the initiator, the problem is usually that I ask for help with the expectation that the answer is simple, and with that expectation, and a longer winded answer, I have to cut the person answering short because I have run out of time. Depending on whether this is on the phone or in person, I may not always offer up an explanation of my lack of time, which is my fault, but sometimes that’s how life works.

The other factor is, the person I am asking sometimes gives me a straightforward answer, and sometimes gives me every possible variable and permutation, even when there is often a “this is the solution 98% of the time” answer. I have a friend who is like that when I ask him about car related problems. When he goes into the long winded answer, I usually cut him off.

A third factor is that sometimes there is a miscommunication, usually because I have asked the wrong question. For example, I may say “how hard is it to replace your own car window if someone breaks it?” The question I should ask is “When you have a broken car window, is this something where it makes more sense to buy the part yourself and can be replaced using normal household tools, or it is complicated/extremely time consuming such that a professional shop should be used?” The answer I get is how to do the replacement, which would be interesting to know if it was a quick explanation, but not so much if it goes into great detail such that I couldn’t easily determine the answer to the real question I should have asked…

10

1> You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
1a> People arguing with you when you’re trying to help don’t want to be helped.
1a1> Except when you’re being a dick and either not actually helping, or making it far more complicated than it needs to be. In that case, stop being a passive-aggressive dick and find an actual excuse for not helping.

In the OP;

Situation 1: Stop looking already.
“Oh, don’t bother”
Are you sure?
“Yes, it’s not worth the time.”
OK (and go about your day)

Situation 2: You were asked to do it later. So STFU and do it later.
“Let’s fix it in the evening”
OK (and go about your day)

Noticing the pattern?

11

Personally I find that advice unrequested, overly complicated, and not particularly helpful.

12

That reminds me something that happened a few months ago. I was at my parents house and their gutters were overflowing which prompted my sister to ask me what gutters were for. I thought about it for a second and said “Well, there’s four reasons” at which point she quickly cut me off and said “Nevermind” and I said “You just wanted, like, a yes or no answer didn’t you” her facial expression said that’s pretty much what she was looking for. I shrugged and reminded her that she’s the one that asked me, so if she ever does want to know, I’m right here.

WRT the internet. If your SO is the type of person that just checks her e-mail but doesn’t really spend much time on it, she’s just looking for an answer like “Push the button on top of the thing” or “Hit Control-J and it’ll be fine.” Anything more complicated then that, and you can fix it later, it’s not all that important.

Going back to the gutter thing, at some point she did ask me to explain it to her. As I recall, I got 3 of the 4 things explained when my other sister butted in and they started talking about something else. A few minutes later they finished up and I started back up at which point Sister 2 said “Are you really still talking about this?”

Some people honestly don’t care about this kind of stuff. These things either work or they don’t. If they work, great. If they don’t they call us to fix it. I was (and still am) the kid that would follow the workers around the house watching them to see how they fixed things. My sisters are the ones that lay on the couch while they’re fixing things. So oblivious that the guys fixing the furnace in the basement can ransack the medicine drawer in the kitchen and two medicine cabinets on the second story clearing about 100 (combined) Percocets and Vicodins without anyone noticing…or wondering why the furnace installers are in the kitchen or upstairs bathrooms or linen closets or bedrooms.