There is frequently a lot of deep anger related to this kind of thing. “I’m Sorry” may sound woefully inadequate, and may not even come close to what you really feel.
If you are very close to this person, you may be angry that she is going to die sooner rather than later. And trust me, she is furious some days, if not all days.
Share this. I don’t mean scream and yell at her, but let her know that this isn’t a genteel " gosh I’m sorry " thing. It’s raw and painful, it sucks and is infuriating because she is totally unempowered. She will die, she knows it, you all know it. It’s an atrocity.
The way to be with her is to be honest. Love her, laugh with her when she wants to laugh, cry, scream, sit silently. And I totally agree- the day you silence your half of the friendship ( bitching and warts included ) is the day she knows inside you’re marking time till she’s dead. Don’t change who and what you are in her life. Just bring it all to the fore at the right moments. She’ll be grateful for the honesty.
Most people need to hide from this. Most people cannot do it, not even once, not even for Mom or Dad. It doesn’t make one a rare hero or something if they CAN do it. It just means you loved that person enough to make yourself remain YOURSELF, as they died.
What finer gift can there be for them?
A good friend died two years ago next month. Two years ago last month, we all drove out to Indianapolis ot see her and her husband and three kids. A big part of the friendship ( she was my wife’s roommate in college, and afterwards as well ) was playing Spades. Wisely, we swapped spouses for card games. She was a brilliant player, a trained Bridge player and card counter, and yet amazingly tolerant of my total ineptitude. Years of laughter were the result of her patience and my lack of skill.
I had to leave early for work, and so it was just me, late at night, saying Goodbye to her. She was completely together, with her nasal cannulae and whatnot, hating the goodbye. She was mad, I was mad, we were mad together. I asked her who the hell I was supposed to play cards with now ?? She actually laughed at that. Last time I saw her, I got to see her laugh.
Just be you, and don’t shy away when it gets very very bad.
When I was 14, I was volunteering on the Pediatrics Ward at a hospital. Every Sunday for 5 hours, I hung out with sick or injured kids. A girl with leukemia was in there, it took her months and months to die. Slowly and surely, all of her school friends stopped coming in. Even on Sundays. Then the cousins. Towards the end, it was her parents and older sister and that’s it. Then one weekend, her room was clean and empty.
She told me towards the end that I was the only kid she saw aside from her older sister. Day in and day out, she was alone, waiting to die. That girl was a year younger than me. Never forgot her name, either. She’d have been 43 now.
Don’t leave your friend when it gets really bad. Just… make sure you are with her through it all. It brings love and honor to her.
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