When "I'm Sorry" isn't good enough

I have a very close friend who was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma prior to us meeting and becoming friends. We have been friends for over two years now, and during that course, she’s undergone a few treatments to keep her lymphoma in check. Each time, she’s gone into remission, only to go out in six months or less. She apparently has a weird type of lymphoma, one that has limited treatment options, and this last treatment (which was supposed to be close to “the only option left”) did not work.

I have absolutely no idea what to say or do. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I don’t not want to say nothing either. Tradionally, if she wants to talk, I listen. I ask questions when it seems like she’s willing to answer them, but quite honestly, she’s fairly well known in the area and it seems that EVERYONE is asking how she is. I figure she probably gets tired of talking about her health, so I don’t bring it up unless she does. Our relationship is full otherwise, but it’s not like we’re ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room.

It sucks that there is nothing I can do–or is there? What do I say when “I’m sorry” just sounds lame?

Just keep being you. Keep being there for her, keep being supportive, keep being her friend. Really, how many times can you say “I’m sorry”? What she will want most from you is what you’ve always given her. Your friendship. Don’t bail on her when it gets hard. And tell her you love her.

Just be there for her for anything she needs that you can help with. I’m sorry for you and your friend, it’s a hard thing to deal with. She will undoubtedly appreciate any fumbling efforts you make - lame or otherwise.

You can go to the doctor with her just to be there. You can go over to her house and do the dishes if she’s feeling low. Water her plants. Just be there, you know? When she wants to talk, let her talk. When she wants to be quiet, let her.

{{{phall0106}}}

I suggest showing her your post. Then, talk with her about it: explain that you aren’t sure exactly what kind of support she needs from you, and that you want to be there for her in whatever way you can. She might appreciate a straightforward conversation, and you might find that you’ve been doing exactly the right thing all along. :slight_smile:

Like Misnomer, I favor the blunt approach. It may be awkward, but at least it gets the awkward over with all at once.

“Hey [friend], I have absolutely no idea what to say or do. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I don’t not want to say nothing either. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. I figure you probably get tired of talking about your health, so I won’t bring it up unless you do.” adding “I love you” as appropriate, of course.

You’d be surprised how acknowledging that elephant turns it into a little mouse that just runs away.

There is a really good book by Joseph Heller and ‘Speed Vogel’. It is called No Laughing Matter. It deals with Heller gettting a weird ailment and his ultimate recovery. Every other chapter is written by the two people. It is really interesting to see the story from two points of view, the person who is sick and the other from a close friend.
Other than that, don’t stop ‘burdening’ your friend with your problems. Friendship is a two way street. Your friend understands this. When your relationship becomes only about her, then she will like she is less than a person.

“I’m sorry” is always lame. Nobody really wants to be felt sorry for (even if they act like it).

“I’m sorry” doesn’t necessarily connote feeling sorry for someone any more than it does responsibility for their problem: it’s a common acknowledgement of emotional or physical pain, along the lines of “I get that it sucks that you have to deal with this and I wish you didn’t have to.”

“I’m sorry” is almost never lame, IMO – in fact, I’ve found that sometimes it’s the only thing that really can be (and/or needs to be) said. People (not necessarily you!) who read too much into a simple expression of sympathy are lame.

I’m so very sorry to hear about your friend’s health. My friend, Larry, died of non-Hodgkins lymphoma a few years ago. (RIP, Larry) It started with a persistent cough and less than a year later, he was taking a “dirt nap.” (His words, not mine. He had a very odd sense of humor.) He tried the bone marrow transplant as well, but it didn’t take. :frowning: I joined the bone marrow registry in his honor.

“I’m sorry” isn’t enough, but sadly it’s the best we can do sometimes. I think the only thing you can do is to just be there for your friend. She’ll be looking at life with a unique, and ironically quite beautiful, perspective now. Be there to share it with her. No one appreciates an ordinary sunrise as much as people battling cancer. Sorry for your loss and hope her remaining days are surrounded by people who love her as much as you do.

There is frequently a lot of deep anger related to this kind of thing. “I’m Sorry” may sound woefully inadequate, and may not even come close to what you really feel.

If you are very close to this person, you may be angry that she is going to die sooner rather than later. And trust me, she is furious some days, if not all days.

Share this. I don’t mean scream and yell at her, but let her know that this isn’t a genteel " gosh I’m sorry " thing. It’s raw and painful, it sucks and is infuriating because she is totally unempowered. She will die, she knows it, you all know it. It’s an atrocity.

The way to be with her is to be honest. Love her, laugh with her when she wants to laugh, cry, scream, sit silently. And I totally agree- the day you silence your half of the friendship ( bitching and warts included ) is the day she knows inside you’re marking time till she’s dead. Don’t change who and what you are in her life. Just bring it all to the fore at the right moments. She’ll be grateful for the honesty.

Most people need to hide from this. Most people cannot do it, not even once, not even for Mom or Dad. It doesn’t make one a rare hero or something if they CAN do it. It just means you loved that person enough to make yourself remain YOURSELF, as they died.

What finer gift can there be for them?

A good friend died two years ago next month. Two years ago last month, we all drove out to Indianapolis ot see her and her husband and three kids. A big part of the friendship ( she was my wife’s roommate in college, and afterwards as well ) was playing Spades. Wisely, we swapped spouses for card games. She was a brilliant player, a trained Bridge player and card counter, and yet amazingly tolerant of my total ineptitude. Years of laughter were the result of her patience and my lack of skill.

I had to leave early for work, and so it was just me, late at night, saying Goodbye to her. She was completely together, with her nasal cannulae and whatnot, hating the goodbye. She was mad, I was mad, we were mad together. I asked her who the hell I was supposed to play cards with now ?? She actually laughed at that. Last time I saw her, I got to see her laugh.

Just be you, and don’t shy away when it gets very very bad.

When I was 14, I was volunteering on the Pediatrics Ward at a hospital. Every Sunday for 5 hours, I hung out with sick or injured kids. A girl with leukemia was in there, it took her months and months to die. Slowly and surely, all of her school friends stopped coming in. Even on Sundays. Then the cousins. Towards the end, it was her parents and older sister and that’s it. Then one weekend, her room was clean and empty.

She told me towards the end that I was the only kid she saw aside from her older sister. Day in and day out, she was alone, waiting to die. That girl was a year younger than me. Never forgot her name, either. She’d have been 43 now.

Don’t leave your friend when it gets really bad. Just… make sure you are with her through it all. It brings love and honor to her.

Cartooniverse

You’re right, Cartooniverse, I am mad. I’m pissed as hell that, of all the people in the world who are true shit heads and don’t give a crap about anyone but themselves, it’s MY friend, who is honestly one of the most nice and caring people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, who is dying.

I’m pissed that not only is one of my best friends dying, but I’m also loosing a co-worker, someone with whom I get along and we work together wonderfully, bouncing ideas and processes off of each other. Someone who encourages and supports me, who can see the good side of me when I mess up, and who rejoices with me when I succeed.

I’m pissed that I’ve already–unwillingly–entered the process of loosing someone whom I do not want to let go. From a completely and utterly selfish perspective, I’m not ready or willing for her to begin dying.

I don’t want to turn this into a story about me or anything, but my father has had multiple myeloma for several years now. They took care of it once, but it’s back again, in three places this time instead of one.

I’m kind of where you are right now because I’m pretty sure this one’ll be the last time. So far, what I’ve learned is that you can’t be ready for any of the horrible stuff that’s going to happen. You think you’re emotionally and mentally prepared, and BAM it smacks you in the face all over again. So I’ve stopped trying.

I’ve decided that all I can do is spend as much time with my dad as possible. I could have six months, I could have 3 years, and there’s no way of knowing. All I know for sure is that he probably won’t be there to give me away at my wedding, to see me get my first real job, and all the other things I’d like to show him. I think of the time we have left as a bank account. If I spend as much time with him as possible at this point in my life, I feel like I have his presence saved up so I’ll be able to feel him for the rest of my life whenever I need him.

We don’t talk about his illness, by his choice. Why would we want to dwell on the thing that’s going to make us be apart? We talk about video games, comics, computers, history, current events, philosophy, all of the things he loves. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever met as well, and I’d like to experience as much of his wisdom as possible before it’s too late.
Wow. That was waaaayyy too long. My advice, if it’s not clear from the preceding, (I got kind of upset during it, so it may not be the best thing I’ve ever written), is that your time and attention is the only decent gift you can give. Be glad to do things for your friend, be sure to have conversations just like you would with a healthy person, and for god’s sake, treat them normally. Talk about the illness when she wants to, don’t when she doesn’t. Let her dictate how emotional she wants to get. This is a time for you to just be strong and support her through her hardship. You may be the only one that treats her like a human being when things get worse.

And don’t be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You being there to listen to her makes you pretty much immune to foot in mouth disease.

I abandoned my father the first time he was ill. I don’t intend to do it again, but I learned that other people will, even if they don’t mean to. Please be the one that stays around. If you do that, nothing else matters.