Let’s say you hear that a friend or relative has a serious - possibly fatal - medical condition. You hear about this from someone OTHER than the person who is ill. Do you communicate to the ill person that you are sorry to hear about their condition? Do you send a card/call? Or bring it up the next time you see them?
Specific situation. A BIL died of Huntington’s. I heard that 1 of his 3 sons tested positive. (1 other tested neg.) The next time I see the young man who tested positive, do I say, “Sorry to hear about your test results”? I only see him a couple of times a year, and we do not exchange letters, cards, texts, or calls.
Of course I AM sorry to hear about it. But I could imagine he has enough going on dealing with this knowledge that he doesn’t need to deal with ongoing expressions of sympathy. Moreover, unless I were a complete monster (which he has no reason to think I am), OF COURSE I’m sorry to hear about it.
Do you mention it so the ill person does not need to wonder whether you know? I’m wondering if the expression of sympathy is intended to benefit the ill person or the other.
If you are close, I would mention that I am aware of their struggles and then leave it to them to talk more about it if they want to (or not at all).
If I am some guy in the office who sees you in the hall once per week I would not say anything.
ETA: I would think everyone is different. Some will want the attention. Some do not want that attention. If you do not know the person well you can’t know where they fall on that spectrum. If you do know them well you might have some sense of what the person would like as regards this.
Answering for me and me alone. If I want to talk about it, I’ll tell you, “Hey I just developed terminal amnesia.” But something like that is too personal for YOU to bring up with me.
ETA: Don’t put me in a position to tell you, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
A couple of months back, he told another one of my sisters, and said he was fine with the info getting about “organically” to the family. That sister told me, and I’ve since discussed it with the young man’s mother.
I imagine the next time I see him at a family gathering, if the situation presents itself to say something short, quietly and privately, I will. But IME, the most respectful way to deal with folk with major health situations is to continue to just deal with them as people, rather than as sick people meriting sympathy.
And – as the saying goes – “If you have to ask …” then you may not know the person well enough to be sure of saying the right thing, or – more important – NOT saying the wrong thing.
[There are very few right things, but an infinite number of wrong things in this kind of context. No end of well-meaning individual utterly steps on their own dick in this circumstance]
I’ve mentioned before that I’m terminally ill. “I’m so sorry” is never hurtful. Trying to ‘get me to talk about it …’ generally is.
Well-meaning people expect it will be cathartic for you to relive it, ask what you’ve tried, what you’re doing, how impaired/sick you are, what the doctors are saying, if you’ve tried breathing ozone or drinking raw vegetable juice, etc., etc.
If you don’t know what’s going to help or hurt the sick person in question, I’d probably say nothing unprompted, or … if you felt so compelled … a quick note that says some form of “I heard. I’m so very sorry.”
Then you have to honor the other person’s move (or lack thereof).
My wife lost her son when he was 34. I don’t ask her to talk about it, and neither should anybody else
For me, this would be the deciding factor. When something like this happens, there are usually some people you have to tell, because they will be the ones who have to provide you with some support - drives to the doctors, stuff like that. But not everyone would be happy to learn that the person they had to tell was telling everyone else in their life. I had something like that happen last month. A fellow I knew as a regular at my local pub died suddenly. I learned he had been dealing with cancer, but told the guys he hung out with all the time not to tell anyone else, because he didn’t want it to be common knowledge.
In your case, it sounds like he doesn’t mind people knowing, but maybe doesn’t want to go into things in great depth, so a brief, “I know, let me know if you need anything” seems okay, but be ready to drop it if he seems to want to avoid the topic.
I think I agree with the previous replies. If I knew someone well enough to broach their personal life, I might ask them and measure their response before I went further. If I were the person with the illness, there are people I wouldn’t mind talking with about it should they show concern, and people I would not.
One of the most difficult tasks I ever had at work involved a business associate who we knew was in hospice, dying of terminal cancer. We had worked with him a lot over the years, and I felt we needed to reach out in some way as a group, sending a card signed by everyone in the office (it was only about 7 people) at the very least. Do you know how difficult it is to find a card for that situation?
I found a “thinking of you” card that had the right tone, and I added a written message from all of us. I’m a good writer, but I agonized over what to say. I wish I could remember what I wrote, but apparently, I hit the right note because we were told he smiled when it was read to him.
I think it is perfectly okay to say this if you are genuinely sorry to hear the news. People can tell the difference and no one needs insincerity in times of crisis.
In the specific case, if the BIL died recently, the “opening” to the son to discuss it could simply be an offering of condolences in person. The son will know that for an opportunity to say more, if he cares to.
If it’s been a while since the death, but the subject of BIL comes up, saying something to the effect of missing his sense of humor or whatever, and saying “let me know if you want to talk about him, I’m here for you” could also open the door to that conversation.
Or, just generally asking how someone is doing, with kindness and sincerity.
I think it would be rude to seek out a moment to specifically say “I know about x!” even if it’s to be expected that you’d have heard the news. That makes it seem more about you than about them. My family has all kinds of health problems that need to be managed every day; sometimes it’s nice to just park that elephant in the corner and talk about literally anything else. You are not your disease, you know?
I’ve had potential lethal cancer twice. I 'm still here.
I found it amusing, yes amusing, to see people’s reactions. All in all, I have a very strong feeling that they were projecting their own fears. They tip-toed around the subject, tried to look solemn, and became slightly offended when I shrugged it all off. It was as if they were steeling themselves to broach this difficult topic. When I didn’t respond as one is supposed to do, according to movies, media and the general discourse about such things, that didn’t always land well:
e.g.
"You’re so brave. Is it a tough fight?
“Nah, it’s not a fight at all. I can’t do anything. I’m in tremendous pain. Being cut open from the pubic bone to the sternum, going through surgery for eight hours will do that. But I’m just a package in the hands of professionals. They do what they do and I watch Netflix on my iPad. No comedies though.”
"How can you be so… relaxed [undertone of disproval]?
“There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do. It seems that I’m recovering well and the alien is out of me. Hopefully not leaving any small siblings behind. Time will tell.”
And later, fully recovered:
“I see here that you didn’t work for most of 2019. How so?”
“Oh, I had a bout of cancer that took forever to take care of.”
[Tilts head slightly and tries to look sympathetic] “Oh, I’m so sorry. Is everything fine?”
Then again, I know people that had cancer and recovered and keep wallowing in their own misery for years after. “Well, you see my cancer made me lose…”
In short - it depends. Since it’s family, I’d quietly ask around how the affected person wants to deal with it.
I think if I was unsure, the next time I see him I would do this: Put my hand on his shoulder, give it a little rub or squeeze, and make eye contact. See how he responds to this and proceed (or not) based on that.
DavidNRockies, I am sorry to hear you’re terminally ill.
Bears repeating that “I’m so sorry” is never hurtful. I lost my 18 year old daughter 2 years ago in a tragic accident. “I’m so sorry” is a decent, neutral phrase that acknowledges the loss, is somewhat comforting, and provides a subtle opening that is simple to ignore.
Never ever say “you’re in my prayers” or “it’s part of god’s plan” or anything religious unless you mean it and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the recipient wants to hear something like that. Whilst 99% sure those comments were meant well, it was about the most hurtful thing I could hear short of “good riddance.” I had to really struggle to not lose my shit, say something unforgiveable, nor simply smack the person that uttered such a phrase. And that holds true today, 2 years later.
