My son-in-law’s sister recently had a baby. The baby is very ill. In ICU. On dialysis. Likely transplant candidate. May not live. …
We’ll be seeing the parents for the first time since the birth later this month - at our grandkid’s 1st b-day. I honestly don’t know what you say in such a situation. Congrats? Condolences?
We’ve met the mom many times before. Very nice woman. What do you say?
“This must be a very difficult time for you. Is there anything I can do to help you out?”
Say nothing, at first. Go in for a handshake, let it develop into a hug (if safe), let them speak first – they’re probably aching to unload some misery. Then, “What can we do to help?”
I have a life rule that usually works pretty well - “If you don’t know what to say, it’s probably one of three things: Thank you, I’m sorry, or How can I help?”
But, obviously the OP is not super close to the parents. It might not really be appropriate to ask about how to help, if realistically the answer is going to be, “not a damn thing, since you are going to back home after this gathering and we won’t see each other again until the next celebration of a family milestone.”
So, maybe instead of “how can I help,” something like, “I’m so sorry about your baby’s condition. You must be worried sick. If you’re up to it, I’d like to hear how the baby is doing and how you are holding up.” If they are receptive, then ask sympathetic questions. If they change the subject or indicate they’d rather not talk about it, follow their lead and move on.
“Hearty congrats! I’m sorry to hear she is struggling. Please tell me every little wonderful thing about her, I’ve been so wanting to hear!“
I see I’ve already been ninja’d. Good of you to check, and just to be clear. Neither “congrats nor condolences” are appropriate.
One could add “you’re all in our thoughts”.
And say “reach out any time for anything that I can help with, and I mean anything.” And mean it. And if you ever get a request and if it’s in your means, simply say “consider it done” and make it so. It is such a relief to off load whatever that request might be and know that it is being taken care of. It may even seem like a mundane request, but making that concern go away is helpful.
I’ll give an example, about a month into the ICU stay in China, my daughter was being fed with a feeding tube, we were a bit successful feeding formula thru a syringe. She had almost no suckle, but would swallow if squirted in small amounts in the right place. I looked on line and found a haberman feeder. Haberman Feeders were not available in China, the foreign medical clinic we were staying at tried to source one but failed. At about 2:00am I desperately emailed for help to the group admin in the US of where I was working at the time. In the morning, the answer was “what’s your address and fedex will have it there in 48 hours.” It was such a relief to know that was taken care off, and it was, and it worked!
Be careful saying “you’re in our prayers”. Make sure both you mean it, and that the parents in question would receive that in the spirit intended. It is not always an appropriate thing to say. I would keep it neutral. I personally wanted to scream every time I heard that phrase, and it was the very opposite of helpful (even though I knew the person meant well).
My youngest went straight into the ICU for a month, and 16 years later there are still serious challenges. Those first days and weeks, I did my absolute best to err on the side of good karma. Tried to never have a negative thought or voice a negative thing. It was a horrible strain.
Sometimes instead of asking how one might help, it is better to just do a small service - give a gift of a couple meals or something useful. It would depend on how well you know them.
@elbows That may work well with some people, but for me personally that would have had the opposite effect.
I personally would edit it to: "I’m sorry to hear she is struggling. Please tell me everything about her you want to share, I’ve been so wanting to hear!“
“Tell me about her? (him?) Then listen.
Allow her to be the mom of a very beloved, beautiful baby and let her talk your ear off. Tell her you hope she has pictures, then remark sincerely on some perfect feature-every baby has some. Every baby.
I’d go with a concerned “how are you doing?” It gives them space to say as much or as little as they feel like saying. It also doesn’t assume anything about their experience.
Yes, not to pile on as I get where this is coming from, but I agree that neither congrats nor condolences is a good idea. Insofar as I can possibly imagine being in this situation, I would hate to hear ‘congratulations’ as I certainly wouldn’t feel like celebrating (in fact, especially as a father, even with 2 miraculously healthy babies I felt congratulations directed at me were unwarranted - I made my tiny contribution 9 months ago, and enjoyed it - in fact with some close friends that’s probably what I said out loud). And ‘condolences’ would be even worse - my baby isn’t dead, damnit, don’t condemn them like that!
Lots of good suggestions in the thread already, most of which I probably wouldn’t have thought of myself. I’d probably have gone with a simple “I’m sorry your baby’s not well. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.”. It occurs to me that even ‘how can I help?’ may be a little too direct, as it puts (a small amount of) pressure on them to come up with something, when, as others have said, the answer may be ‘nothing’.
ETA because I’m actually a horrible person: don’t say “Congratulences! It’s congratulations and condolences rolled into one!”.
If you are going to see them at your grandchild’s birthday party, then what I would say in a similar situation is “Thank you for coming in spite of everything you are dealing with now.”
Depending on how they respond, go on one of the other tracks suggested. If they say something long, then respond in a way that encourages them to talk even more, because a long response suggests they need someone to listen. At some point, maybe ask to see a picture. If they say “Thank you,” and nothing else, then drop the subject.
If they begin talking specifically about how overwhelmed they are, and mentioned something you really could help with, you can offer.
You can also hang back and observe what other people are saying, and see how they are responding to different things.
I’m inclined to lean towards this route of acknowledging the new parents like we acknowledge all new parents.
Just imagine going through pregnancy with all the joys and hope for the future only to have a very sick baby and no one says congratulations? Heartless!
Anyway ymmv.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
I think my wife and I will get our heads together and try to come up w/ a workable opening line. I tend not to be great at such things on the spot.
They have a pretty supportive local immediate family. Apparently they fridge is full. We already told our kid that, if our kid and SIL needed to do anything to help them, we could watch the grandkids at the drop of a hat.
The mom is a REALLY great woman. I imagine she’ll act w/ considerable more grace than I’ll manage. I’m sure I’m overthinking this.
My thoughts exactly. Imagine no one congratulating you because your child is ill? I’d be crushed.
As is often said in politics, “I just want to associate myself with @Spice_Weasel 's remarks.”
So here’s what we’ve come up with: “It’s great to see you. How are you doing?”
Aren’t we the silver-tongued devils? 
Thanks for the assist.
Just so odd, as the usual conversation w/ new parents is inappropriate, as well with the awkwardness of the setting - celebrating 1 year of another healthy baby.
We haven’t wanted to pry, and our daughter has not been overly forthcoming with information (I don’t know how much she has.)
So sad, as you would’ve hoped this to be a joyful event for the entire family. (Our SIL has 3 sibs, 2 of whom had healthy kids w/in the past year. I believe the other has had difficulty conceiving, w/ >1 miscarriages. And the sibs all live reasonably close to their parents - and us.) Instead, I fear how much this will affect the rest of their lives emotionally and financially. Such a burden for a young couple/family starting out.
I don’t think I’d want to hear congratulations, but it’s so painful to imagine where my mind would go with such a thing with my son that I can’t know for sure. I don’t think I’d want the situation to be ignored or glossed over, though – “You’re in our thoughts” is what I’d say, along with a handshake or hug, depending on my relationship with them.
Right - we discussed “You are in our thoughts.” as well. Just seems so odd not to mention the little girl by name or even direct reference.
“She’s in our thoughts” would be good, too, IMO.