Really none of my business, but I AM curious and concerned. Is there any way a situation such as this does not completely bankrupt a young couple?
She is a teacher, so I imagine she has decent insurance. But there are limits to insurance, aren’t there? I’m not sure if he is a freelancer or employed by a news station.
And yes, “You and E are in our thoughts.” is really worth saying.
Insurance exists more or less for this purpose. Once the deductible is met, they may have to pay a portion of hospital costs, but there is also an out-of-pocket maximum that caps what they will have to spend. Which isn’t to say this won’t be ungodly expensive, depending on their coverage, but there will be a limit to their liability.
And then insurance just continues open-endedly? Apologies for my ignorance, and thanks that I never had to deal with personally.
It resets at the end of the calendar year.
It’s hard to say how much this will cost them because I’ve never had an infant in ICU and I don’t know their specific coverage, but I imagine it will be in the tens of thousands rather than the hundreds of thousands. But if the child has long-term health problems that extend into the next several years, these expenses can add up to an insurmountable level and bankruptcy may well be on the horizon. Medical debt is one of the primary reasons that people file for bankruptcy. However it’s not uncommon for people to work out payment plans with their hospitals, where they pay something reasonable they can afford on a monthly basis. They are in debt for life but not paying a huge amount every month.
There is a lot wrong with the US but our medical system ranks pretty high up there.
Yeah - I really don’t have many details. As I understand, they weren’t sure the child would be delivered alive. I do not know when - if ever - the child is expected to be released from the hospital/ICU. Last I heard, dialysis was being performed daily, and I think surgery is planned pretty soon to remove one kidney. No idea how young a transplant could be performed and what success/life expectancy/quality of life is reasonably likely even with that.
In addition to the sheer cost, I don’t know what FMLA and such does regarding such an open-ended situation. They got married recently bought a house, and were planning a family. Now, the rest of their lives are likely to be dominated by this event. I hope they find joy in there somewhere. I fear I would not do well in such a situation.
I agree. But as horrible as it is when something like this strikes someone you know and care for, I can’t help myself from wondering how much money society (however defined) should allocate to an individual situation such as this.
There’s a lifetime cap. It’s doubtful they will hit it if, sorry to say, the baby doesn’t make it. But if the baby lives with ongoing needs-- this is when they are likely to hit the lifetime cap.
They are going to want to hook up with Medicare, Medicaid, and anything else available to them.
I know someone who failed to do this when he husband became quadriplegic after an accident, because he wasn’t expected to live more than a few years. He was still alive after 10, when insurance was about to cap out, and she was afraid she might have to relinquish his care to the state.
She managed to get both Medicare and Medicaid, but for a while, when insurance would not pay for any of the home care he needed, she was relying on volunteers from the community.
Horrible to even think about money, but I remember when we were starting our family - money WAS very important. We didn’t exactly have tons of discretionary cash lying around in addition to house payments and living expenses. Whether or not the child survives and for how long, their lives have likely been changed significantly for the very long future - and not in a way I suspect they imagined when they decided to start a family.
So sad.
Having a child is a terrifying crap shoot. My sympathies are with the parents.
Kinda astounds me how blithely my wife and I went into it - 3x! And tho it hasn’t been entirely smooth sailing, my mind reels over how bad it could’ve been.
My son was an emergency c-section, so I was out. He was born blue and not moving, with just a very slow heartbeat (Apgar = 1). They revived him in less than a minute by suctioning him and bagging him-- they squeezed two breaths into him, and then he started screaming, and got really red, and was squirming and flailing his arms.
My husband said it seems like an hour.
I am so glad I was out and didn’t see any of it. By the time I saw him, he was pink, and alert, and when I touched him (he was in an isolette on 10% oxygen), his head popped right up, so he could already lift it. (He spent only 12 hours in the isolette.) He was 8.25lbs, and all the other babies back there in special care were so tiny.
I think if I’d seen him when he was blue, it would be hard not to be overprotective, and sort of helicoptery.
This. As is also clear from a
@RivkahChaya’s story.
I was born by planned c-section at 34 weeks of pregnancy because my mother was suffering from pre-eclampsia. At that moment she had been in hospital on bedrest for five months, and had already lost a child (my older brother) to the same condition. He died shortly after she gave birth to him. So with the next pregnancy they were extra careful, but as I understood it from my mom the ob-gyn had been clear from the start that he couldn’t guarantee a good outcome, given the situation.
After she had given birth to me the ob-gyn explicitly advised against attempting another pregnancy, because she herself was in mortal danger both times. I was in an incubator for six weeks, but I turned out okay.
As for us, I’ve been lucky to experience two largely carefree pregnancies, with my youngest even being born at home (I’m Dutch, we still do that here). My parents were terrified but never said a word until after he had safely arrived. Both boys are thriving.
I am so grateful for what life has given me.
As for the original question, “you’re in our thoughts/prayers” is a good start. “if there’s anything we can do, please let us know” is a good second I think. And simply letting them know you’re there, come what may.
My first son died within a few hours after he was born.
Most people are awkward and don’t know what to do or say so they get nervous and make idiots of themselves. Worse are the ones who need your help to handle it.
Were I in that situation, I’d just greet them and give a meaningful nod and ask if they are ok. Let their response guide you. Quiet and calm and let them talk as much or as little as they want.
There are no magic words and nothing will make all of their pain go away but thoughtlessness can add to the hurt.
I always figure too, that when a loss is new, or people are in the middle of something very difficult, you are not “reminding” them of it be bringing it up. It’s never entirely off their minds, mainly because that’s been my experience when I’ve been the one in mourning.
So it’s better to say something that lets them know you don’t mind listening if they want to take-- but in a non-rubber-necking way.
That’s just a general rule. Always exceptions, but it’s my gauge unless otherwise is very obvious.
That’s what the advice from @elbows sounds like to me, rubber necking. I’m sure it was well intended, but it seems quite insensitive.
I’m going to change my advice. Most people suck at really listening to others and the loss or serious illness of someone’s child isn’t the time to try to learn. Just don’t make it worse for them.