“If both people are amicable” - that is the key. Personally, I would not even date a man until the ink was dry on the divorce papers, but that is a personal moral rule and not applicable to everyone.
In the case of the brother of the OP (and of me on Monday afternoon) the divorce papers will be complete and the ink will be dry. Then they’ll sit in a file for a few months at the County Clerk’s until an arbitrary amount of time passes.
Would you date someone whose paperwork was complete but the State hasn’t signed off on them yet? Some states make you wait six months, some a year or more. Who the hell cares what the in which State you happened to be married thinks is the right amount of time?
No I wouldn’t. I know this sounds arbitrary, but it’s a rule I made long ago when I saw my best friend’s heart get broken over and over: Never get involved with a married man.
I am *extremely * open-minded and accomodating in relationships, more so than anyone I know (including my own SO!) but everyoone has to draw the line somewhere, don’t they? And this is mine.
EXACTLY
I think declining to date someone whose divorce is not final is a different matter. You can’t really know the other person’s intentions and having the marriage really legally over is the only confirmation you can have that it is over in the other person’s mind as well. It’s more a matter of self-defense, as Anaamika suggests.
In the OP, the question was whether it was all right for his brother to date someone who was apparently willing to overlook the fact the the divorce was finalized yet.
I agree that, at that point, it’s no longer a moral matter, but until the State signs off on the divorce, it’s still a legal matter, and I can understand not wanting to become involved with someone until all of their legal obligations to their ex are finally and fully severed. That’s as much self-defence as anything else.
Is the reverse true? Can I fool around as much as I want up until I take the vows even though I’ve asked her to marry me and we have a wedding date planned for next week?
Yes - provided she knows about it and she’s got no problems with it.
You see? It’s all about the “both parties being amicable” part. I see no reason why the OP’s brother shouldn’t date this lady, seeing as how they’re both agreeable. But I couldn’t say that and not add that I personally don’t believe in it.
I didn’t mean to suggest there that there aren’t other potential reasons to choose not to date someone who isn’t through their divorce, just that there is a self-preservations aspect to it that isn’t there on the other side.
Once you’ve filed for divorce, and you’re sure you’re not going back, it’s okay. That’s my opinion.
I haven’t been in that position, though. We’ve been married 26 years.
That’s totally reasonable. Who one wants to date and why is a personal thing and doesn’t have to “make sense” to anyone but yourself. I probably have a few things on my list own that would seem ridiculous to a lot of people.
So…you’re Phlosphr’s ex-sister in law? 
Nothing wrong from where I’m sitting. As long as both parties are in agreement that the relationship is over I think its silly to worry about the technical parts of a divorce. They were effectively divorced when they both agreed it wasn’t working, not when a piece of paper says so.
Seconded! 
I think every situation is different. But I think if both parties discuss how they feel about seeing other people, then it would relieve a lot of the guilt and questions on morality. If both parties agree the relationship is over, then I think all bets are off, but sometimes there’s a jealous party involved and it would make dating difficult.
We are having two divorces in our family right now. My in-laws are getting divorced after 30 years together, well sort of. My MIL has been faithful since day one but my FIL has been cheating for the past 25 years. They’ve only had one hearing so far (very messy divorce, kids, lots of assets, MIL was a stay-at-home mom) and she knows he’s living with another woman and he has stated in his court documents this information. She doesn’t like it, but he’s been cheating for so many years, it’s pointless for her to fight it. He’s going to do it anyways and it only helps her case in the end. She didn’t want it to be this way but you can’t make someone love you. We’re trying to encourage her to start dating since the relationship is over (has been for years), but she said that until she gets divorced, the papers are signed, and the assets are awarded and he’s complying, she won’t do anything. I think at this point she’s in no mood to meet any men anyways. She’s having a very tough time with all this.
My BIL has been married less than a year, no kids, no assets, and they are very young. His wife drew up the divorce papers and had him falsely arrested for domestic violence. She goes back and forth, sometimes she wants to work things out and then other times she doesn’t. Specifically she had a protection order against him and she wants to see and talk to him. Since he legally can’t, she gets upset that he’s not risking everything for her and then she wants him to go to jail as punishment. He was very upset at first, but her behavoir in the past month has been so erratic that she disgusts him now and he’s embarrassed he ever married her. He has NO intentions on going back to her after what she’s put him through. In his situation, I advised him not to date until the divorce is final because of how manipulative she is.
It really is all in how the parties involved specifically feel about it. My personal feeling is, is that if my husband wanted a divorce and we both agreed that’s what we wanted, then we’re free to date. I don’t know if I could just then, it would depend on how bad the relationship had deteriorated, but I wouldn’t be upset if he started seeing someone else as long as I wanted a divorce as well. If I didn’t want it and it all came as a shock to me and I was devastated, yeah I’d make his life hell until the papers were signed and sealed. YMMV of course.