When people are upset at you and when you are upset at others

In My Humble Opinion
1

In the last six months, I did something that really caused people to be upset with me. I can’t go into detail about what I did both times. Let’s just say that the first time I created a situation because I didn’t read an email carefully, told someone it was ok to do something based on not reading that email, and almost caused a situation where a student could have been embarrassed…really embarrassed. (He never found out about it, but that’s not the point…I did something really, really stupid.)

The second situation was “losing” something someone dropped off for me. Long story, but I don’t even remember getting what it was. Did I lose it? Maybe. I don’t know. It was six months ago.

In both cases…the offended parties were absolutely red-hot FURIOUS with me. Multiple communications ensued, including yelling, screaming, tears, obscene language, etc. In both cases, long before the fireworks, I completely admitted fault and responsibility. I never once denied blame. In fact, I never said anything back other than, “I’m sorry” or “It’s my responsibility” or “How can I fix this,” etc. And in both cases, all my offers of taking blame and responsibility were completely unaccepted and thrown back at me. In neither case was their acknowledgment of my apology and admitting what I did was wrong.

Wanna know where I learned that? I wish I could say it was innate or that my parents taught it to me…but it was in How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Terrible title, and I suppose some people don’t like what’s in that book, but I really like it, especially that section. When I’m wrong, I admit it. And I do whatever I can to fix the situation.

In both cases above, there was nothing I could do. The damage was done. And both times I felt absolutely awful for what I did. There was absolutely no intent to harm. Just dumb negligence. My feelings of remorse could not have been more sincere.

Now…on to some thoughts about this. I freely admit I’m an extremely sensitive person. I do not like conflict. I’m extremely nice. I go out of my way to be helpful. I quite often sacrifice doing things for myself to help others. Because of this, I’m wondering…when people get mad at me (and the two examples above are just two), are they taking it out on me because they know they can? I know many people who, if the two people in the examples above had treated them the way I was treated, would have dished it back…in spades. I don’t, and I’m wondering if people use me in these situations to vent their frustrations about the situation…and anything else they’re pissed about. Have you experienced this? Have you done it? Am I alone in this line of thinking?

I just do not see any point in someone being that pissed at me. Ok, I can’t control (and wouldn’t deny) someone else’s feelings. But what good does it do for them to do that to me? If anyone can tell me what good is created in those situations, I’d like to hear it.

Second thought: When I was in 8th grade, I was coming in from PE class. We had checked out equipment, and the procedure was to go to the building that had the PE office in it. There was a window where a student took the equipment. I was being a goofy, silly, stupid, loud, obnoxious kid…and ran up to the window and threw the ball I had checked out at the girl doing the check-in. She missed it, and it landed on one of the PE teacher’s desk, spilling her large drink all over everything. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a big fan of this PE teacher. I didn’t have much contact with her because she was the girls’ teacher. She always seemed to be yelling at the boys for this and that. (Guess which obnoxious, pubescent boy was the recipient of her wrath usually?) But she did something that day that stuck with me the rest of my life, and as a teacher I think about it at least once a week. She did and said nothing. She called me into her office, let me know she was really upset, she showed me the mess I made…then dismissed me. She could have done any number of things to really punish me…but she didn’t. She showed mercy. That was one of the most amazing life lessons ever demonstrated to me. And it wasn’t “taught.” It was modeled. I was never a behavior problem in PE again.

I related that story because ever since then, any time someone has done something to me that, by all rights, I could have been expected to be really, really upset…I wasn’t. I don’t get upset. And I’ve had people do and say absolutely horrible things to me. I understand that in life, I’m going to make mistakes and so will everyone else.

I do think that a big part this characteristic is due to me being really nice and conflict-avoiding…but I get mad just like anyone else. I get upset. But I keep it to myself and find peaceful solutions to problems. Many, many times I’ve said to people: “It’s ok. Let’s do this to fix it.”

I’d really appreciate anyone’s thoughts and ideas on this long, rambling essay :slight_smile:

2

Very likely, if they know you at all.

I’m with you about freely admitting errors, and even taking more responsibility for shared errors than is probably mine. Speaking for myself, this is both virtuous (I feel better) and crafty (I know other people appreciate it, and I don’t have to invent stupid excuses).

But I have never been offered the kind of BS that you describe having been heaped on you. I have a mouth, which I can barely keep control of in the best of times. I’m not sure what I would do if ever faced with that sort of over-the-top abuse, but I’d like to think it would be very calm and very cold.

Oh wait, I remembered an example from early on in my relationship with my partner. We were having an argument, and he was saying terrible things about me, ripping me up one side and down the other. I interrupted in a loud voice: “Wait a minute, wait a minute, I want to ask you a question. If you really believe I am as bad as you are saying, what are you still doing here with me? You should be running as fast as you can go in the other direction.” This stopped the abuse, if not the argument. (I am glad to say we don’t have those kinds of fights any more.)

My reaction to the way you deal with your anger is to worry about your long-term well-being. There is nothing wrong with being angry, and there is nothing wrong with expressing anger, if you can find an appropriate way to do it. Appropriate responses can include a raised voice and an angry affect, or it can be low key. Not expressing it in some way can lead to unexpected health problems.

Here is an example - a woman I know pretty well. She has probably the healthiest lifestyle of anyone I know. She never eats bad food, gets as much exercise of different kinds as she possibly can with her busy schedule, she loves her job and her house. But she is constantly sick with one thing or another; the latest thing is blackouts for which the doctors can find no reason. In my opinion, it is because she is full of internalized rage that has no outlet. I would not like to see something like that happen to you. Avoiding conflict may be ok, if that is what you want. But I hope you will find some way to express your anger externally (without, of course, venting on innocent bystanders).

Good luck, and all the best,
Roddy

3

It sounds like you might want to work on continuing to be as nice as you are, but coming across as more assertive. A lot of this is in tone of voice, word choice, and body language. I once learned this cheezy acronym for dealing with upset people:
Listen, Empathize, Apologize, Suggest, Thank.

In reading your account, I wonder if perhaps you jump too quickly into the apology stage, not wanting to listen to people vent about how you screwed up. Sure, it’s not going to be pleasant, but some people are just more expressive and need to get things off their chest. And sure, you may just be the straw that broke the camel’s back after someone had a car accident, lost his wallet, had to put a pet to sleep, just saw a kid’s bad report card, etc. Unfortunately this is going to cause an “interaction effect,” like taking a sedative medication with alcohol and getting a double whammy. So empathize with whatever else, but only apologize for what you did.

If they can tell you’re listening and empathizing, they may not feel the need to escalate to quite such an extent. Part of this training was to say “I apologize” rather than “I’m sorry.” Apparently, it comes across as more proactive and some people react negatively to “I’m sorry.” They see it as a sign of weakness and pounce. After the apology, suggest a solution, and eventually thank them for their understanding, bringing the problem to your attention, etc.

4

I’m with you. I don’t understand the point of expressed anger once the offending party understands the transgression. I know you’re pissed, so let’s just fix it, okay?

If I find something spilled or broken or if I spill something, break something, whatever, I might be very annoyed, but I’m pretty silent about it. I just don’t understand what yelling or swearing might accomplish that cleaning or fixing won’t. I’ve actually tried it, to see if (as my husband claims) it acts as some sort of “pressure valve” allowing those feelings of anger and frustration to pass more quickly. Nope. If anything, it makes them linger longer for me. No thanks.

I think some people just want to make you feel bad because what you did made them feel bad. It’s like an emotional eye for an eye thing.