In the last six months, I did something that really caused people to be upset with me. I can’t go into detail about what I did both times. Let’s just say that the first time I created a situation because I didn’t read an email carefully, told someone it was ok to do something based on not reading that email, and almost caused a situation where a student could have been embarrassed…really embarrassed. (He never found out about it, but that’s not the point…I did something really, really stupid.)
The second situation was “losing” something someone dropped off for me. Long story, but I don’t even remember getting what it was. Did I lose it? Maybe. I don’t know. It was six months ago.
In both cases…the offended parties were absolutely red-hot FURIOUS with me. Multiple communications ensued, including yelling, screaming, tears, obscene language, etc. In both cases, long before the fireworks, I completely admitted fault and responsibility. I never once denied blame. In fact, I never said anything back other than, “I’m sorry” or “It’s my responsibility” or “How can I fix this,” etc. And in both cases, all my offers of taking blame and responsibility were completely unaccepted and thrown back at me. In neither case was their acknowledgment of my apology and admitting what I did was wrong.
Wanna know where I learned that? I wish I could say it was innate or that my parents taught it to me…but it was in How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Terrible title, and I suppose some people don’t like what’s in that book, but I really like it, especially that section. When I’m wrong, I admit it. And I do whatever I can to fix the situation.
In both cases above, there was nothing I could do. The damage was done. And both times I felt absolutely awful for what I did. There was absolutely no intent to harm. Just dumb negligence. My feelings of remorse could not have been more sincere.
Now…on to some thoughts about this. I freely admit I’m an extremely sensitive person. I do not like conflict. I’m extremely nice. I go out of my way to be helpful. I quite often sacrifice doing things for myself to help others. Because of this, I’m wondering…when people get mad at me (and the two examples above are just two), are they taking it out on me because they know they can? I know many people who, if the two people in the examples above had treated them the way I was treated, would have dished it back…in spades. I don’t, and I’m wondering if people use me in these situations to vent their frustrations about the situation…and anything else they’re pissed about. Have you experienced this? Have you done it? Am I alone in this line of thinking?
I just do not see any point in someone being that pissed at me. Ok, I can’t control (and wouldn’t deny) someone else’s feelings. But what good does it do for them to do that to me? If anyone can tell me what good is created in those situations, I’d like to hear it.
Second thought: When I was in 8th grade, I was coming in from PE class. We had checked out equipment, and the procedure was to go to the building that had the PE office in it. There was a window where a student took the equipment. I was being a goofy, silly, stupid, loud, obnoxious kid…and ran up to the window and threw the ball I had checked out at the girl doing the check-in. She missed it, and it landed on one of the PE teacher’s desk, spilling her large drink all over everything. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a big fan of this PE teacher. I didn’t have much contact with her because she was the girls’ teacher. She always seemed to be yelling at the boys for this and that. (Guess which obnoxious, pubescent boy was the recipient of her wrath usually?) But she did something that day that stuck with me the rest of my life, and as a teacher I think about it at least once a week. She did and said nothing. She called me into her office, let me know she was really upset, she showed me the mess I made…then dismissed me. She could have done any number of things to really punish me…but she didn’t. She showed mercy. That was one of the most amazing life lessons ever demonstrated to me. And it wasn’t “taught.” It was modeled. I was never a behavior problem in PE again.
I related that story because ever since then, any time someone has done something to me that, by all rights, I could have been expected to be really, really upset…I wasn’t. I don’t get upset. And I’ve had people do and say absolutely horrible things to me. I understand that in life, I’m going to make mistakes and so will everyone else.
I do think that a big part this characteristic is due to me being really nice and conflict-avoiding…but I get mad just like anyone else. I get upset. But I keep it to myself and find peaceful solutions to problems. Many, many times I’ve said to people: “It’s ok. Let’s do this to fix it.”
I’d really appreciate anyone’s thoughts and ideas on this long, rambling essay