When Psychics Attack

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m really ill, but I dragged my ass into work anyway, only to discover that it is MLK Day and everyone is off. I decided to check my office e-mail to catch up on what’s been happening. I got a reminder that Monday is a holiday, and an e-mail from my mother.

I’m desperately tempted to reprint the message, but that just doesn’t seem right. Basically, it said this:

Family’s fine, blah, blah, blah. Went to a “healer group.” Prayed for your recovery. By the way, the healer gets the idea that you are disconnected from your soul, and only you can reconnect yourself. This is disappointing, because I thought you worked from a spiritual level at your job. The healer also indicated that you are involved in goings on which we have no idea about. Sofa King, you aren’t involved in any subversive goings on, are you? I hope that what you are doing and what you stand for is honorable and noble.

I work in American Indian affairs. What the fuck am I going to do, take the goddamned country back for my clients? Another way of putting it is “no, I am not involved in any ‘subversive goings on,’ but thanks a hell of a lot for sending your inquiry through my office e-mail server, Mom.”

This crap has been going on for a decade. Once, Mom’s psychic told my mother that I was running a drug-dealing operation out of her old apartment. The only operation I was running was trying to pick which girl I was going to have over for the evening, but that didn’t keep her from kicking me out. In answer to your first question, I’m not sure if Mom is genuinely crazy, but she seems to rate very high on all of the sociopathic profiles I’ve seen.

So, can you folks help me out? First, what do I say to her in reply (from my personal e-mail account)? I’ve checked my anger so far, but this is ridiculous, I want her to know I think so, but I want to do it in a convincing way that will hopefully encourage her to trust me over Johnny Crystalgazer. Second, can someone refer me to a very simple, very easy to swallow expose on psychics and how they operate? I think it’s time I spelled it out in big letters that not only is she getting ripped off, but she’s fucking my shit up, too.

Thank you for indulging me with this long and bitter post.

2

Dear Mom,

Stop calling me Sofa King.

Love, Poindexter

3

{{{Sofa King}}}

4

Or, to be a little more helpful, tell her you can no longer send and receive personal e-mail at work, then relax and let her be crazy. You can’t change her. Johnny Crystalgazer makes her “happy” in a twisted kind of way, so let her be. My mom’s crazy, too, she’s always worrying about something. But I found out that she needs to be that way, as unhealthy as it is.

My opinion.

5

wasn’t your mom one of the Florida voters who had punched the card for Buchanen?

oh well.

On to your problem. Frankly at this point, I doubt that showing your mom a site on pychics and how phoney they are will do any good (my dad’s still firmly convinced that Nixon was hounded from office and that seat belts are not a good idea - it may be the air in Florida…)

anyhow, as for the rest of the issues, which I see as more of a problem (“Sofa King, can we have a word with you about your nefarious connections???”), I’d suggest getting a cheapo hotmail or other email account ONLY for mom, and check it once per month (as blood pressure will allow).

Or, tell Mom that your email is an office account and your employer has sent an inner office memo to all to avoid personal e-mails (gee, mom it can cost me my job…)

best of luck to you.

6

I’ve completely given up trying to re-train my parents. It’s just not worth the headache.

I second the nomination for you to get some freebie email account and make your Mom use that address. If she is not hotmail-savvy, I would even say to lie and tell her that your office has switched to a new network and your new address is sofaking@hotmail.whatever … or look around for another free one that doesn’t have a well-known domain.

As to the response … how does one reply to something like that? If you want to placate her, maybe simply say that it was so nice to receive her email because it is always good to know that your mom is thinking about her baby Sofa. From the tone of her email to you, it might be that her general anxiety is that she wants to feel more “connected” to you. With my own mom, I found that giving her just a little attention goes a long way. (Although beware of the proverbial giving an inch and her taking a mile.)

If you decide to try to debunk the psychic in the name of fighting ignorance, best of luck to you. Some people just want and need to believe in that sort of thing.

7

This board is subversive. I have taken the liberty of recording all your names on a list, which I will fold into a small ball and put in my sock drawer.

8

WOOHOO! This is as close as I’ve been to a mans underwear drawer in years!

9

*Dear Mom:

Thanks for keeping in touch, it’s nice to know that I am in your thoughts not to mention the thoughts of total strangers hundreds of miles away. What a coincidence that you chose to write to me at this time, a time when* my * healer feels that you are in desperate need of positive cosmic guidance. Mom, he sees that your recent involvement in certain - how should I put this - iniquitous business & personal relationships will eventually result in serious hardship to our family. He also sees your new found joy of the flesh, and says I should warn you that new friends in your life are not as they appear. In his visions it is clear- your hearing aid has become infested with the larva of the Peruvian Boring Maggot, and he doesn’t like this new hair style of yours either. Please keep a close eye on the mail man, and soak in water any package he brings that is thicker than 1/8 or an inch. And for the love of god, do not renew your subscription to Field & Stream!

I’m just a little worried, mom. Please distance yourself from this new circle of friends you’ve found. I know it may seem like easy money right now, but in the long run the kemotherapy just doesn’t make it worth while. Ask dad about his “accident” if you don’t believe me.

Love,

Sofa King.

p.s.: Whatever you do, don’t go into the attic.

10

Suggest she register here and ask us all what we think about psychic healers. :smiley:

11

You misspelled “Psychotics” in the thread title.

12

Roflmao, Attrayant! That was great!

In response to the OP:
Check out http://www.randi.org/ for good information about psychics etc.

13

Sofa King I’m getting a psychic vision of Leonard Peltier. You sure you aren’t in any subversive activities?

14

Sofa King, if she really and truly threw you out of that apartment a decade ago for no other reason than that her psychic told her you were dealing drugs out of it, then I have to agree with the others: there really is nothing you can say, no book or magazine article or video you can show her, that will convince her psychics are full of shit. If, in that case, she had corroborating evidence (like, maybe she visited once right after you’d eaten a powdered doughnut) that bolstered the psychic’s claim, then maybe she can be reasoned with.

But based on your post, that doesn’t seem likely.

I like wring’s idea too. Create a spam-repository email address for her, and treat her email as such (spam, that is).

15

Thanks for the uplifting advice, everyone. Unfortunately, I already have a personal account, which I made certain to write on the back of the business card I gave her should she need to contact me at work. She usually uses that address, but for some (malicious?) reason she felt it necessary to send this one to the office.

wring is correct about my mother accidentally voting for Pat. I suppose I should count my blessings; not everyone has a psycho mom to bring humor into their lives.

I’m seriously considering not replying to the mail at all in the hope that by not acknowledging the message, she will not be further encouraged to write to that address. Maybe I’ll become a psychic–that oughta throw her off some. Then again, I might get asked to “heal” the VCR’s blinking 12:00 problem.

The closest association I have to any Peltiers is my overclocked computer. Thanks again.

16

Classic!!!
I like what Attrayant said: email her from home and tell her YOUR psychic said HER psycihc was a quack.

17

I would post an answer to this thread but my psychich says there are bad vibes in here and I gotta keep out or my eyes will fall out…

sorry guys

dodgy

18

Nothing subversive going on here. Move along, folks.

:slight_smile: