When should I complement a woman on her looks?

[Grrr]

@msmith537

I don’t want to appear harsh, but this seems like a very strange question for (what I assume is) a grown man to ask. I had made a comment in another thread about social cluelessness and this seems like a pretty good example. I don’t mean “cluelessness” like you’re a jerk or weirdo or anything. But it seems to me most people should know how to respond to a “does this dress make me look fat?” question without having to poll an anonymous message board.

The correct answer is “it looks lovely”. You don’t need to go into detail and she isn’t looking for a fashion critique. She just wants affirmation that she made a good purchase.
Worrying about “sexual harrassment” is nonsense. Sexual harassment is when you repeatedly make unwanted advances on another coworker, when your repeated offensive behavior makes someone uncomfortible (in certain cases), or when you use a position of power to coerce or threaten another employee.

Simply interacting with a female coworker does not set you up for a harassment case.

My thoughts exactly. My employer makes us take a class every couple of years on “Sensitivity Training.” (Sexual harassment)

It’s OK to tell someone they look nice. Even when unsolicited. And [gasp] get this: You can even hug your coworkers! :eek: (Not unsolicited of course)

Also, I don’t know if this is a standard for all work places but before any harassment investigation takes place, the offended (or victim) has to tell the offender that his actions are not wanted.

If a lady goes straight to HR with a sexual harassment claim with out first telling the offender to stop his shit; HR will tell said lady to first go tell him to stop. If it continues, come back to HR.

This of course excludes extreme examples which I’m sure the OP doesn’t have to worry about.

[Ambivalid]

nm. crude.

[Two_Many_Cats]

A compliment about a co-worker’s looks once in a while is not sexual harrassment. However, repeated compliments over a period of time could make someone uncomfortable enough to complain, and they would be within their rights to do so. A little common sense about compliments comes in handy.

[stui_magpie]

@sandra_nz

You should complement a woman on her looks in the exact same circumstances that you would complement a man on their looks, and also when you are trying to chat up a woman (assuming that is your preferred gender).

I think what you said (about knowing nothing about fashion) was absolutely fine and appropriate for the circumstances.

If you do find yourself being directly asked to give feedback, stick with non-specific (and definitely non-sexual) terms, such as ‘I think you look lovely/beautiful/great/radiant.’ These are all compliments which don’t refer specifically to the body, or even worse, specific body parts (you know, those parts).

If you do get the type of workplace woman who asks questions like** ‘Do my boobs look good in this dress?’ (and most workplaces I’ve worked in have had That Woman working there) then it’s safest to go with a jokey comment like ‘I couldn’t possibly comment!’** said with a smile, then removing yourself from the conversation or changing the topic to something safer.

Definitely a far better response than saying “they look fine, but to give a proper answer I’d need to see how they look when they aren’t in that dress, to be able to compare”

[epbrown01]

@Lakai

Here is the event that led to this question:

I’m with a friend. She’s wearing a new dress. She says, “I think this dress makes my waist look bigger. My daughter bought me this dress. It’s different from what I normally wear because [fashion terminology that goes over my head, but explains why her waist looks bigger.]” …

Thoughts?

There was your window, right there. A simple “I have no idea what you just said” was your get out of jail free card, lovingly crafted by straight males since time immemorial and issued with every y-chromosome. Follow-up explanations should be met with “Yeah, I got nothin’” or “I’m hearing 'Blah blah blah, Ginger.”

You could also go with one of the 27 iterations of the “You look fine” collection, wherein a man says this phrase using the precise intonation of another phrase, typically a 3-tone harmonic for easy recognition. In this instance, YLF#1 (“I don’t care”) seems appropriate, but a case could be made for YLF#7 (“Why tell me?”).

[RickJay]

@msmith537

I don’t want to appear harsh, but this seems like a very strange question for (what I assume is) a grown man to ask. I had made a comment in another thread about social cluelessness and this seems like a pretty good example. I don’t mean “cluelessness” like you’re a jerk or weirdo or anything. But it seems to me most people should know how to respond to a “does this dress make me look fat?” question without having to poll an anonymous message board.

The correct answer is “it looks lovely”. You don’t need to go into detail and she isn’t looking for a fashion critique. She just wants affirmation that she made a good purchase.

I share your puzzlement.

The standard response to such a question is “You look great,” “You look lovely,” “The dress looks great” or some other similarly generic, kind compliment. I am mystified as to why a grown adult would not know to say something like that.