When to accept Mom's decisions regarding her medical care.

[trupa]

@Shodan

There is a function in medicine that makes you feel better, and another that keeps you from dying. The older you are, the less you get of one, and the more of the other.

Suppose you are offered the choice - you can live for two more years, getting older and sicker, and then dying at the end of it. Or, you can live for four more years, getting older and spending most of your time and energy doing things you hate. And then dying at the end of it.

You can make a reasonable case for either.

This is a good insight, Shodan, and concisely put. I’m going to remember that.

Your question can be used as a guide to see what side a person choses, which can then help make decisions. I will see if I can find a gentle way to find out where mom stands on it.

[HolyFreakingMoly]

I know, firsthand, how difficult this can be so don’t take my words as those of the inexperienced.

If, at 82, she doesn’t want to go to the cardiologist because she wants to stay home and watch All My Children, she is free to make that decision. It was very hard to fathom when I was younger but as I get older I can really understand just being tired and tired of living, particularly when health is failing, especially mental health, and when overbearing children (like my brother was with my father) interfere and begin to force issues.

Let her be. Let her enjoy her life to the best of her ability. Don’t exacerbate her anxieties by insisting she go out in inclement weather when it scares her. She’s 82. At some point, we have to let go and let people make their own decisions. I would talk to her doctor about palliative care… anti anxiety medication if she suffers in that area, pain meds if she suffers from pain, etc.

Hugs!!!

[trupa]

@AuntiePam

Gosh, yes. I broke a hip in 2003 and breaking another one is a constant worry. It’s not just a fear of walking on slick surfaces. With brittle bones (and osteoporosis), you don’t have to fall to break something. The bone breaks, and then you fall.

Putting myself in your mom’s place, I’d appreciate someone caring enough to encourage me to maintain my health and even push me a little if I needed it. Listen to her, draw her out when she gets stubborn, find out why she doesn’t want to do whatever it is. (It sounds like this is what you’re doing.) But if she still refuses, accept her decision. Trying to force her would just add to her anxiety, and at 82, that’s not a good thing.

You’ll have to take these events one at a time – there’s no one plan of action that will work for every situation that might come up.

And good on ya for being so thoughtful.

You’re quite right about the risk of falls, AuntiePam, we have a pretty thorough fall mitigation strategy in place with Mom, part of which is to use a wheelchair for any travels outside her apartment.

You’re also right about arguing too much increasing her anxiety, I hadn’t considered that. I will have to factor that in.

I know I can’t plan for every contingency (even f it doesn’t stop me from trying -I’m a compulsive planner ) but I think this thread had clarified some guiding principles on how to approach most situations of this kind .

[StGermain]

Respecting her decision doesn’t mean you can’t plead your own case to her, whether it’s “Mom, the appointment’s been made, the doctor has set aside this time for you, which it’s too late for him to fill with someone else. Let’s just go” or “Mom, if we cancel today, let’s make sure we reschedule for next week. But this is Canada, so we’re likely to have snow on the ground next week, too”.
I lost my 76 year old mother a couple months ago. Before her death, I was frank with her and told her that since her stroke she’s been more anxious about things that used to be no big deal. I asked her to understand that much of the anxiety was from stroke damage, and to trust the family to know when there was something to worry about. Sometimes she could do that, sometimes she couldn’t. But I think she had to understand that her fears weren’t rational, although the were real.

Good luck.

StG

[outlierrn]

I know it’s hard, but try to keep your own needs distinct from hers. I’m not saying you are, but your own peace of mind, or unreadiness for her death are not good reasons to push her into procedures she doesn’t want, or to generate friction and hard feelings in the family.