Your friends need to preserve the bond that they have from sexual pleasure together. You know what works for my friends? There should be communication first, to make it clear what the plan is, and to validate that it’s fine to feel too tired to do anything ambitiously sexual.
The Plan: Get in bed together, snuggle up, chat, share a kiss, and then masturbate at the same time. No work, no expectations. It’s surprisingly hot, and it’s quick and effortless. Perfect for tired parents. Things will pick up.
This is it. And make time also, when you aren’t so tired. In the old, pre-kid world, you could be spontaneous, and one or both of you might consider scheduled sex icky in some way. It isn’t. Just wait until your kid is old enough so that you are worried about him hearing you!
Date nights are great for connecting again, but aren’t the same thing. The best thing to do is to find another couple, or relatives, and trade overnights on weekends. Waking up refreshed on Saturday or Sunday morning with no one else in the house can do wonders.
Better get used to this, because it continues until your youngest if off in college - then you can go back to being spontaneous. Until then it is “kid’s at a movie? Let’s go!”
So what did you do on your date night? One BIG trick for us is not to sit down and watch action movies. Or go out and have a large dinner. Or see friends. Or do anything else that might make the end of the evening not about sex.
If we go out, we keep dinner light, and have it involve alcohol. If we watch a movie, we go for something sexy. But often, we stay home, open a bottle of wine, give each other massages, and HAVE SEX.
Since you asked, no that is not common. If it was common, there would be few couples with kids closer than 3 years in age.
And yes, you (both) need to do something. As to what, well, there are lots of books on the subject, counseling etc. I’ve read that scheduling sex is a good start, but I can’t really say. All I know is that for most couples, the total absence of sex is a clear sign of a relationship that requires some work.
We did swap houses with the grandparents, so that was good. But then we had a heavy dinner with friends, without alcohol, we saw a late night show with the same friends, and tried out the bed with the big tv in front of it with an action movie.
:smack::smack::smack::smack:
My friends with toddlers might have a similar evening - but they’ll have sex BEFORE going out. I know, because they’ll call to tell you they’re going to be late.
We have a similar issue, but the problem isn’t exhaustion, but the knowledge that either of our 2 young children could show up at the side of the bed at any point during the night (happens maybe 1 night out of 2). My wife dreads the idea of trying to explain what is going on to a curious toddler. The only room with a reliable lock is the bathroom, so we tend to make the most of showers.
People tend to settle into routines and children need routines, so I think it’s often all too easy to add or subtract sex from that routine.
People get complacent as well. The sex issue takes two forms.
First is it really a problem? If both parties are OK with it than it’s fine. Sex drives and the amount of sex varies throught a marriage and a person’s lifetime. So as long as both parties are OK with it, once a year would be perfectly fine.
The second is if one party isn’t satisfied are they going to keep it bottled up than seek it elsewhere? This is the more dangerous part.
Mae West had an interesting take: “Never keep a man guessing 'cause he’ll just get the answers form someone else.” This could apply to “never keep a woman guessing as well.”
I suppose a marriage can be whatever relationship two people agree upon but generally the difference between a life long friendship and a marriage partner is the intimacy of sex and legacy of children.
You know, you can get new doorknobs, with locks, at the hardware store. May I suggest investing $15 and a couple of hours on that? I mean this in the friendliest possible way.
I didn’t feel she really meant it that way. It came across as “these are the two things that generally show a marriage, sex, and children.” Which is true enough.
Not having children, if my SO and I weren’t having sex, we’d just be roomates. But the fact that we don’t have any kids doesn’t make us any less of a couple, either.
I do object to the idea of completely hiding sexual relations from the kids. No, I don’t think you should be making the beast with two backs right in front of their horrified little eyes, but Mommy and Daddy showing affection and love and a constant need - even a physical need - for each other is very reassuring even to children, especially if while you are kissing each other you kiss baby, too. Mommy and daddy holding each other tightly in the middle of the night might require some explanation, but trust me, it’s better than having kids wonder if mommy and daddy ever loved each other. I always point out that I never saw any affection between my parents and still wonder why they are still together (inertia).
More than roommates, sure. But I don’t think you can really understand the bonding that happens when you have created a joint life, and have to make joint decisions about that life. I’m fine with people not wanting kids not having them, but a kid is a bit more than a pet in this regard.
Young kids don’t understand or even think of sex, and to them kissing and such has nothing to do with it. I don’t see the benefit of rubbing their noses in it by being loud when they are awake. (Or not locking the door.) Plenty of time to gross them out by being very eager for them to go out for the evening when they are teenagers.
Really? Kids didn’t bring you even closer together.
I’m assuming jointly wanted kids here. I can certainly understand how in some cases a kid not wanted by either or both parents could force a couple further apart.
It changed things, sure, but not our level of closeness. We were close before, and we remained close afterwards. And frankly I think that suggesting otherwise is insulting to people who are married but don’t have kids, like their marriages are somehow less real or important.
