Imagine a ordinary, married couple. And no, I’m not going to admit I’m talking about myself, so there. The couple has been together four years and have an almost two year old son. Both work 35 hours a week.
This couple used to have a good sex life together. But for the past year, their sex life has become a more… solo affair. The husband usually stays up an hour later then the wife, because the couple’s living room has a comfy sofa, some adult TV channels, and the necessary privacy. The woman, if she wants to have sex, has whatever she needs in her nightstand.
The couple knows this from each other. The husband says he is just too tired to do the deed, and the wife can understand that: she doesn’t have the energy to be the active one, either. Besides, the husband is an evening person, and the wife a morning person. So when they do meet in bed together, they give each other a peck on the cheek, spoon, and fall asleep.
Is this an common phase among new parents? Or does the couple need to do something before their sex life dies competely?
Toddlers are tough. They exhaust everyone. And people who are on different schedules (morning person and night person) that is tough too. So I think its “normal” and doesn’t need to be fatal. But it can be fatal if it gets ingrained as a habit.
And the way to keep it from becoming a habit is to acknowledge it and work it. Send the tot to grandmas for the weekend. Make a date night.
I agree with making a date night. Children are tough, but by two years old you should at least try to make time for each other, lest you fall into the habit.
Sex lives have to be worked on. The passion will easily die away if you let it. It may seem forced the first few times but eventually you’ll get better.
I don’t know how common it is, but I agree that it’s definitely something you need to work on. By the time the kid is age 2, the worst of the new-parent exhaustion should be behind you, and you’re settling into a new routine. If the behavior described in the OP becomes part of that new routine, well, I think you’re setting yourself up for problems.
Personally speaking, my husband and I have never had a major drop in interest like that, through three kids. We took the recommended six weeks off, postpartum, but apart from that no major breaks. That’s just my personal experience, of course, but a lengthy hiatus from sex is definitely not universal.
I don’t know if it’s common, but it’s pretty much how it went for us in the early days of kids. I was happy she was finding time to get her rocks off without further exhausting herself, and she was happy I had an outlet for my, um, needs.
My advice: assuming there are no other issues lurking beneath the surface, don’t sweat it (or tell your friend not to sweat it ;).) They’ll get back into the groove eventually.
Quoted for truth. Make the effort. You can tell your friend from me, don’t let yourselves get out of the habit. It is hard to re-start once your friend and his wife both get set in their non-sex-having ways.
Trouble is, [del]we[/del] the couple HAD a date night, last weekend. Two nights, in fact. And no, nothing. Sex was apparently too much trouble for the both of [del]us[/del] them.
Why? What, exactly, was stopping you? We need more detail. Not lurid detail, but honestly…
Look, even people without kids go through a phase of “It’s too much trouble to bother”. Certainly not all couples but it happens. Laziness is the human common denominator.
Don’t wait for the mood to suddenly arrive and yay, now we both feel like doing it at the same time, so we will. Make that date night and jolly well have some sex whether you like it or not. The mood will show up, you’ll remember how much fun it is, you’ll be glad after you put some effort in. Don’t let laziness become a habit–work on it and it will pay off. But at this point you can’t just wait for the stars to align just right.
Does your child not take a nap? When our child outgrew naps we instituted “rest time” during weekend afternoons. She needs to remain in her room and lie down or play quietly during this time (~45 minutes). Quite often during this time our door gets locked and penis ensues. If we wait until 8 or 9 at night when she is in bed, then we are often too tired.
Its it not unusual to be too exhausted from toddlers, but you should make some effort. It might be a little forced at first - but you shouldn’t be regretting it once you’re in action and afterwards.
Some suggestions:
-Talk about making sex the primary objective of the date. Have sex prior to dinner/movie/whatever and before you are too tired.
-Aim to have your dates midday (between your two peak periods) and before you’re too tired from playing with baby. Have sex, then go for lunch.
-And don’t masturbate for a few days beforehand - make an effort to get your libido up.
I’m ashamed (well, no, not really) to say that my first thought on reading the title was “Well, who can concentrate on sex when there’s a home improvement project needing done?”
Upon actually reading the OP, I think they should probably re-evaluate the new routine. There are ways of achieving the same ends without really putting much effort in–the wife is quite as capable of making a fist as the husband, he is quite as capable of holding a vibrator, and neither really takes any more effort than flying solo. And having sex together (even if it’s not penetrative sex) is like going to the gym–the longer the hiatus, the more bother it seems like and the less you want to go.
Remember, wimmins is like cars. You have to rev up the engine and take 'er for a spin periodically, or the battery goes flat.
While the OP asked if this situation is common, she gave no indication that it’s actually causing a problem. If both of them are happy with the situation as it stands, and if it doesn’t negatively impact on the rest of their relationship, then i don’t see the need to worry too much.
I remember, in a thread on sexual compatibility some time ago, someone observed that sexual compatibility could, for some people, mean rarely or never having sex at all. If someone in the relationship feels that the current situation is a problem, then by all means they should take steps to deal with the issue. But if they both still love each other, are happy together, and aren’t angered or sexually frustrated by the current arrangement, then i see no need to worry about it.
I suppose. But if five years down the line, it does become a problem, well it still can be fixed, but the best time has passed. Sex lives can and do die from this exact kind of neglectfulness.
But let’s ask the OP. Is this a problem for you or your hubby, OP? Yes, there is a chance that your sex life may die because of this. Are you OK with that?
Anaamika, I’m not sure. Obviously, the situation is as it is because we both choose the easy way out, all the time. I think we are okay with this situation, sort of, but we guess we both wish we would have the energy, and time to have our sex life back.
I started the OP because I would not be akay with this situation if it lasted another year or so. I just wondered if other couples also went through the “It’s too much trouble to bother”-phase. So far, I got both " you’ll get back on track" answers, as well as a pm from a Doper who said she and her husband had been in this same rut for nine whole years.
The couple has been together four years and have an almost two year old son. Both work 35 hours a week.
Yep, that. I just got home from Ikea, though. That might have influenced my posting style.