jingle hells, jingle hells
jingles they all play
why must they
jingle all month
when Christmas is one day?
hey
So I hear there’s this war on Christmas, at least according to several of the nation’s leading loonies. I’d like to enlist, please.
Not that I have anything against Christians, or Baby Jesus, or general winter festivity. Saturnalia, for instance, is perfectly fine with me. I have never suffered Saturnalia marathons on the radio, or heard a tinny mall loudspeaker dreaming of a white Saturnalia. Kwanzaa, too, does not have any jingles that I know of. Hanukkah has Adam Sandler, but he’s not G-rated enough to deploy in commercials or department stores.
I’m sorry, but there’s only so many times I can listen to little drummer boys dreaming of a white chestnut on an open fire before I buy an assault rifle and commit some satisfying acts of violence on whatever device the music is coming from.
Speaking of fantasies involving firearms, I’d really like to drive around the neighborhood with a BB gun and shoot all those awful inflatables on people’s front lawns. Pop hiss pop hiss pop pop pop… It’s possible that where you come from they’re merely a minor menace. You are lucky. Around here, they sprout up like hideous mushrooms around Halloween, change over to something turkey-related at Thanksgiving (or why not both at once?), and by Christmas they’ve hit their sinister stride and reached their awful apex. (While Googling the egregious examples above, I came across a Facebook page called “Advocates of Violence Towards Inflatable Lawn Decorations,” and if I had Facebook myself I’d sign up like a shot).
So anyway, I’d like to join whoever’s declaring War on Christmas (General Grinch, maybe?), as soon as I find out where they’re recruiting.
All you have to do is go around saying “Happy holidays” and the enemy will come out of the shadows to set you straight about The Reason for the Season. You might think The Reason for the Season is that every culture that suffers from winter tries to cheer themselves up in the middle of it. You’d be wrong, pal. Nope, Jesus was definitely born on December 25th. Jesus was always born on December 25th. If there had been any presto-chango re-branding of some hedonistic heathen festival, don’t you think The Bible would mention it?
I barely even noticed Christmas this year. If you dislike it as much as I do, you can find ways not to be exposed to it. Wear earplugs or ipod headphones when you have to go shopping, or shop in places that don’t celebrate Christmas–like small Indian-run grocery stores. Don’t watch television commercials. Pretty much the only unavoidable exposure is what’s on your neighbor’s lawns, and I actually think the decorations are nice. But most of my neighbors didn’t put anything up.
<philosophy and/or sacrilege>
But didn’t he, really, when you think about it? I mean, if you’re of the “three are one” school of thought?
</philosophy and/or sacrilege>
I’m not at war this year…I’d normally be ecstatic to just abstain…maybe go to sleep, and wake up when it’s over. It’s usually a very lonely time for a single atheist.
Actually, for the first time I can remember, I have a very busy Christmas weekend, and almost none of it has to do with the holiday.
Friday night, I have my choice of two different “traditional” fish dinners with Canadian Atheist friends…I’m going to the one that doesn’t have a 6 month old baby…because the others asked me first, and I spent this evening with the ones with the baby.
Saturday, I go to lunch with a homeless friend…then dinner with the family to celebrate my sister’s brithday…then going out on a date.
Sunday…um…Dolphins game.
Monday night, I have an after Christmas “open house” to go to for people at the Church I volunteer at. Hope I don’t catch on fire or anything.
We need to take this war to Thailand. I mean, I came here to escape the holiday nonsense*. Seriously, Thai people: you guys are 95% Buddhist, winter solstice feasts don’t mean squat to you, it’s boiling hot outside, none of you have ever *seen *snow, and it’s not a public holiday here anyway. I know you feel like you have to pander to the tourists, but *please *stop it with the fake plastic Christmas trees, stop playing “Jinglebells” over the speakers in the Bangkok Metro, and stop wearing those cutesy plastic reindeer horns. Just stop it. I’m becoming one pissed-off farang.
