The more I see of people the less I want to see.
Today, for instance. A woman comes up to my register, drops a jumbo bag of chips and a crossword puzzle book on the counter, looks at me, and says, “I have terrible gas!”
Now my grandmother did her best to teach me to be composed and ladylike in any situation, but what the fuck kind of proper response can I possibly make to a statement like that?
Five minutes later a pair of loudly belching truck drivers head out the door. I guess they were having some kind of contest regarding volume and duration. My 2 year old daughter knows how to say “excuse me” but apparently these charming souls have forgotten everything their mothers ever tried to teach them.
I spent ten minutes of my life that I will never get back one day, listening to one of my co-workers complain loudly about some species of chafing that she was having a problem with. She also liked to show her tits to the mechanics. Thankfully, she was canned soon afterwards.
We have another employee who calls all the customers honey, or sweetheart, or baby, or darling. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that kind of familiarity is entirely inappropriate. I get offended when people do that to me, and I know she’s pissing some of the customers off.
Please, people, whether it’s gas, lower abdominal complaints, weird rashes, or the sleazy details of your current sexual escapade (for instance, one of my other co-workers revealed that she had to remove her false teeth in order to - ahem - fit one of our other co-workers into her mouth), or a million other funky little details…I REALLY DON’T NEED TO KNOW! Do I tell you how hard it is to see what I’m doing when I’m shaving my crotch? Do I relate with emphasis to detail exactly how it is my husband can make me squeal like a ferret? Has anyone other than my immediate family and my dearest friends ever heard me belch? No, no, and no once again! It’s called MANNERS, people! It’s called class! It’s called good taste! It is the grease that makes this barbaric world spin on its axis! It is the gilding that seperates us from our primitive Cro-Magnon ancestors! And, gosh darn it, it just makes the days more pleasant to deal with! So let’s start right now by demanding that they make “Miss Manners’ Guide to Raising Perfect Children” a required text in all parenting classes. Let’s lobby for a law that would allow all women over the age of 70 license to whack impolite, inconsiderate, tasteless, boorish people over the head with the implement of their choice. Let’s put etiquette classes back in school so people will stop standing by my register, SUCKING and SUCKING on their straws, until the SUCKING and SLURPING noises coming from the bottoms of their cups incites me to yank the fucking straws out of their mouths and impale their eyeballs with it! Let’s take our world back from all the icky crude people!
Vive la revolution!
