Even in the throes of an amazing uncomfortable dump, I have never so much as uttered a word. Ditto to grunting.
I’m no stranger to the uncouth, but one should never underestimate the ability of a woman to shit daintily.
It sort of boggles my mind that there are people who get their panties in a twist because someone is shitting in a toilet.
Some unfortunate folks are afflicted with bowel difficulties that either cause them great pain, or generate more than the usual sound effects. Audible evidence of these afflictions generate sympathy in me, not annoyance. I mean, when the dainty, grandmotherly matron in the stall nexts to me finishes off a series of muffled grunts with a deep, rolling, foghorn noise that echos off the walls and ceiling I tend to assume this is an involuntary eruption and not a delibrate provocation of her neighbors. But maybe guys are really that different and some do engage in competitive shitting, including divisions for farts, smells, and needless commentary.
The occassional grunt, groan, or exclamation of genuine relief doesn’t bother me in the least. Now, if they were having a conversation with their shit, that would be a little weird. But that hasn’t happened in my presence (yet)
So then, I should invite my next-stall-neighbor over for a beer and a look at my latest loaf? I can see it now.
“Hey, Jim! That is Jim isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s me Welby.”
“Thought so, I recognized the grunt. How about you slide next door here and take a look at my latest creation when you’re finished?”
“Be right over, I’m working on a doozy myself.”
“Sweet! This one’s a goodie, but you should have seen the crap I took last year!”
“Is that the one you carry a picture of in your wallet? It is pretty amazing.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
Laugh out loud funny!
“Yes? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you had read your Bibles, you would have seen that it was to be damnation without relief.”
- Rowan Atkinson.
Correct me if I’m wrong Dante, but I get the idea that what you’re protesting is not involuntary noises emitted during an emergency poop session. It’s that some men seem to think that taking a dump is a manly art that needs plenty of masculine grunts and the occasional tribute (“hoo-boy!”) to make sure that everyone in the vicinity knows what a stud they are. Something akin to spitting and ball-scratching, you know.
And I don’t have a thing against men, I like men, I married one, but I have had the dubious honor of cleaning public restrooms for both men and women, and with one exception, the men’s room was by far the nastiest. I began to seriously doubt whether they even bothered with the toilet and just used the corner behind it. (To pee, that is. Thankfully, I never found any #2 pencils on a men’s room floor!)
On the other hand, I have a friend who cannot bring himself to poop in a public toilet–AT ALL. Very little else in the world embarrasses him–but he is simply unable to do this. Go figure.
Hearing someone poop is pretty high on my list of “ew”.
Anybody that has issues with noises coming from other cubicles should really try to avoid them and if not should realise that it’s their problem and not the person who is having a honest to god big crap next-door.
I remember while in the bog in my last job I heard somebody enter the cubicle beside me. In his very distinctive voice I heard my uberboss say “OK let’s see can if we do this without anyone getting hurt”. A series of very loud grunts/splashes/splatters followed. I was too busy trying not to laugh to be bothered by what was happening. After it all ending I heard a loud sigh and decided to try my luck. “You OK in there”? “I am now, thanks be to God”
We laughed about it at the next work piss up when very drunk.
LOL (seriously).
Thankfully, I’ve never encountered these loud shitters in the ladies’ room.
Dang, I lay out a loud nasty one that rips through the lower colon like a scud misile towards the Axis of Evil, well, I’m embarrassed. The easiest way to cover is to say something that another guy, to cover his embarrassement at my embarrassment, might find worthy of amusement. What’s the big deal?
Sheesh, man, I live in China. This happened the other day. i was in the last stall out of three at the office (multinational corporation, couple 500 hundred employees). The first stall was occupied, and the guy rule of leaving the middle stall empty when faced with such a choice holds true in China, perhaps around the world. Anyhoo, I’m in there doing my biz, and a man with a mission came flying in. Yep, of course, the empty middle stall. Wham bam, spark (sound of cig firing up), then “wei wei” (<-- that’s how you answer a phone in Chinese), and the dude held a phone conversation, smoked a cig, and did his biz simultaneously.
Nope. Don’t want to hear it at all. Guess it’s me. The popular opinion seems to be to get in there, drop the trousers and have at 'er.
Yojimbo, that’s easily the funniest thing I’ve read in ages!
Yojimbo, yer crackin’ me up! Lieu has his work cut out for him!
Women never take noisy dumps unless they’re sick. Period. And if they’re that sick, they’re not going to be at work harshin’ everyone else’s mellow with the sound effects!
Geez, my husband not only farts like it was his fuckin’ JOB, but he and his friends always have to announce when they’re going to take a shit, what they ate to produce the toxic dump that is inevitable, and beg others to stay out of the bathroom for a half hour afterwards! One of his friends asked if we could install a seat belt on our toilet! And he has the NERVE to flip my toilet paper roll around EVERY time he uses the bathroom.
I heard some guy just yesterday in the stall next to me talking to his anus rope, describing the geometry of how it was being deposited. It sounded for all the world like some kid reciting to himself how to tie his shoelaces.
What kills me is when some stall bound warrior really does sound like they’re in a delivery room. Some poor sap was telling himself “Now push!” and I could unfortunately imagine him over there leaning back with his legs up in stirrups trying to birth an incredibly stupid and ugly baby. What sounded like an auto-episiotomy was pretty grim as well. When he was through, I was halfway tempted to bring him flowers and offer my congratulations.
LOLOL!!!
Nobody defeats Lieu in a toilet humor contest! NOBODY!!
HEEEE!
I don’t know about that… the quality’s slipping some. Dare I say it? I think Lieu’s going to crap lately.
As I mentioned before, I just go at home most of the time.
On the topic of the OP, all I can say is what I said over the stall wall one day to someone who, having loudly passed wind, apologized: “Pardner, if you can’t do that here, where can you do it?”
On the topic of “full house,” I first encountered that in the dorms in college, where it was truly appropriate: we had 3 crappers and 2 stand-ups.
Look on the bright side, he could have screamed “THERE IS NO GOD!”, and sprinted away in horror.
Unless someone does that, I usually feel pretty safe.
There are sometimes when you just gotta say something and break the comedy tension. For example, one time I was doing my business, when I realized the batter on deck was very large and very firm, I sighed to myself and prepared for battle. About that time my stomach made a large gurgle and realeased a large amount amount of gas into the system. The pressure kept building and building until it was beyond my power to control the release. It finally popped out with a sound much like a champaign cork popping and impacted the water like a 20 pound rock.
I could hear the guys on either side stiffling their laughs. So finally I just said “I suppose I should have yelled fore” just to cut the tension.