Where's my butt?!?

I just had stomach surgery, & today was my first BM. Because of my brace, I can’t reach my butt! (huh. They got rid of the embarrassed smiley?). Is there a tool out there that deals with this dilemma? Can I make one out of some sort of utensil? One I can immediately dispose of?

Something like this?

Maybe a medical supply store or small pharmacy carries these in stock

Well, there’s this, and I think you will find other brand that do much the same, but I don’t know how practical or affordable that sort of thing would be for you.

Did no-one at the hospital discuss this issue with you, and prepare you a bit? That’s terrible.

[Incidentally, it seems to me the new embarrassed smiley :o is better than ever (unlike the pathetic new rolleyes :rolleyes:).]

Did no-one at the hospital discuss this issue with you? That’s terrible.

[Incidentally, it seems to me the new embarrassed smiley :o is better than ever (unlike the pathetic new rolleyes :rolleyes:).]
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Oh, I thought that was some unknown Melancholy smiley. But now I see it.

And yes, no one ever brought it up. Maybe because they were wildly impressed with how well I responded after surgery & how perfectly I chose post-op clothes, they knew this wasn’t my first open gut surgery. But the other one was 14 years & 40 pounds ago, & it wasn’t an issue then.

running coach, that looks like what I need. I’ll send long-suffering spouse to look at local pharmacy, or just get some of those spongey bottle brushes for 1-time use until Amazon Prime gets one here Wednesday morning. Thanks!

Oh, I see. Before I read the OP I thought you had gone off and left it somewhere. :smiley:

Where’s my butt?!?

Well don’t look at me, I didn’t take it. I have one of my own which works pretty well.

Really? Cause from here it looks like it’s cracked right up the middle.

If anything it works too well. :smiley:

That’s TWO Well. :smiley:

Well, first you need both hands, and a compass. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told.
as for your problem, running coach already suggested long-handled reachers, as used by those at least temporarily disabled, the elderly, and the extremely obese. (njtt’s solutiuon is more comprehensive but time-consuming and expensive, and I don’t think you’re in a state to install it yourself.
More wipers:

http://www.handicappedequipment.org/tag/wiping-aids/

http://www.elderstore.com/freedom-wand-self-wipe-toilet-aid.aspx

http://www.medicaldepartmentstore.com/Self-Wipe-Toilet-Aid-p/725062000.htm
Incidentally, the ancient Romans used to use a sponge on a stick. These were kept in the public lavatories, washed, and re-used, which strikes me as a squicky situation. Glad I don’t live in ancient Rome:

https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A0LEVxIVrqVTPFcAjmhXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTB0OTByYjNvBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDQ1OF8x?_adv_prop=image&fr=yfp-t-764&va=ancient+roman+toilet+sponge

http://www.objectlessons.org/health-and-beauty-romans/sponge-on-stick-ancient-rome-replica/s69/a349/

You need a goose:

From: Gargantua and Pantagruel, by Francois Rabelais

Read the whole bawdy story: ttp://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html

Gives new meaning to “being goosed”

I was attacked by a neighbor’s goose once - why didn’t I think of sticking its head up my butt?!?

Isn’t that what the three shells are for?

Those extension wipers cry out for a slangy name. Turd Tongs?

Maybe that was the original meaning.