Whew it's hot out here! Summer Mini-Rants

i am tired of being told i’m on the short list for a job only to have it fall through for some stupid reason.

I’m tired of looking like a fool when i tell someone about a potential job and it falls through.

i’m tired of not telling someone about a potential job because i don’t want to look like a fool when it falls through, and then not being able to have them share in my misery because they didn’t know about it.

i’m tired of feeling like a schmuck for complaining about not getting a job because it fell through when i still have a temp assignment that pays my bills and some people have been out of work for a long time and are depressed about it.

i’m tired of trying to explain all the things that tire me about this whole rant.

You know, if you’d just give more blow jobs, you wouldn’t have these problems.

I need better knee pads then . . .

A sound investment in your future.

Honestly, with the way the job market is these days, I’m surprised they don’t just hand them out along with your diploma.

maybe they do - my diploma won’t arrive until October according to the Registrar . . .

Look, dude, I’m tired of you calling me and asking if I saw the 4-inch thick Redweil you left on my chair.

Actually, no I didn’t but I can now account for that “too-full” feeling I always get in my lower abdomen when I sit back at my desk after lunch.

Thanks!

Oh yeah, you’ll want to hold off 'til that comes in, then, just in case. Wouldn’t want to have an extra pair kicking around.

Y’know, unless you think you might be wearing through the first pair by then…

If I give a blow job as a condition of employment, that’s not cheating, right? Because it’s work - not fun?

Sounds reasonable to me!

Hey Sales Manager -

So you send me a boilerplated legal contract. I read through it, ask 8 questions, and you answer back with a basic “whatev. change it and i’ll get it re-approved” to most of the questions.

So, I do as you request and I change your contract to my wording. I could have been tempted to change the crap out of it, since you sent me a legal document in Word, instead of sending a pdf I couldn’t edit, but I stuck to only what I thought was fair and signed it and sent it back.

Now you’re back from outer space with that same look upon your face (or your butt - can’t figure which one you are talking out of today) and whine that I “revised your document rather than just making the changes.”

What the hell, woman? If I make changes, is not that a revision?? I didn’t re-write the whole thing or reformat it. I just made the changes you were too lazy to make yourself.

So now you want me to highlight the changes I made. Here, let me copy & paste that for you - it’s the same stuff I listed in my first email . . . .

If it weren’t for the fact that I’ve had great experiences with the rest of your company - the catering manager, the booking agent, etc - I would flip you the bird and go on my merry way.

Redact the bitch and covenant that next time that happes she will suffer a force majeure, you will see to it, inter alia.

Well, that’s one way to get a head.

Only if she buys her knee pads from B.J.'s.

My first guess would be that she mistakenly saved your copy over her original and now needs to know what to change back!

That sounds kinda dirty.

Nota bene: Sordida. It sounds sordida.

Dear coworker,

You didn’t realize this, but you were an ass in the breakroom today.

What happened: a guy was telling a story about how his mother-in-law wanted to go to Red Lobster for her birthday, because she considered it “fancy”. Now we (the few people in the room) kind of chuckled at this, but Assworker basically rolls on the floor with laughter. The kind of laughter that’s so loud and obnoxious you have to wonder if it’s real.

Now, everyone in the room knows–from previous conversations–that the dude’s mother-in-law is kinda poor and unsophisticated. And anyone with any sense of real-world understanding would know that someone’s cheap, horrible chain restaurant could honestly be someone else’s fancy restaurant if they are indeed poor and unsophisticated. And it wouldn’t be ROTFLMAO kind of funny if your tastes differed, but more like “Well Bless Her Heart” kind of funny. Especially if the subject of the conversation is someone’s relative. Laugh that way about someone in my family? You will get a donkey punch in the throat, fool!

Assworker is the worst kind of snob. The kind that grew up in the projects (and reminds everyone of this at every opportune moment) and still claims poverty, despite owning a house and a car, because they wasted money on a time share. She waxes pathetically about how hard it was being brought up poor, raised in a single-parented home (somehow forgetting the two sets of grandparents that lived within walking distance to her, who both spoiled her rotten…but I digress). And yet when she should have compassion and understanding for an old woman who has never left her home state before, who doesn’t know that Red Lobster is considered trashy by many well-to-do people, Assworker lets out mean, braying laughter.

I could understand her attitude if she’d been brought up in Beverly Hills. Since she was raised in the opposite, I can only conclude that she’s overcompensating somehow by putting on airs of sophistication that she knows she doesn’t really have.

What an ass.

And then she had the audacity to question my expertise when it comes to MS Excel. She knows I constantly work with Excel since I analyze data for a living. People will often come to me with their Excel problems, and usually I can help them. She knows this. So when she tells me all boldly that Excel doesn’t have a record limit and I gently correct her on this point, why would she scrunge up her face like I just said the sky is full of purple polka-dots? I’ve got the damn program open (as I keep it open constantly, since I’m always working with data) and I scroll down to the bottom of the sheet to show her just how many records the thing can retain. And yet she’s still wearing that ugly face and telling me I’m wrong. This, from someone who had never made a chart before in Excel until two months ago. This, from someone who wouldn’t know how to write an Excel macro to save her life.

I can handle criticism. I can handle being corrected. But I will not have my expertise (especially on such a trivial issue) questioned by someone who doesn’t know jackshit about the particular subject at hand. I don’t question her Access skills because I recognize they are superior to mine. And yet she does not extend me the same courtesy. Tell me, Goddess of the Environmental Scientists, why must I work with this woman? I must have done something really wrong in a previous life!

I like to talk about my experiences at work. I like to hear other people’s experiences at work. This is called Communication and given that we do technical support, I find it immensely useful to hear about other people’s experiences, even if they’re not directly talking about technical issues, but rather with their experiences in dealing with people on the phones.

Sometimes this comes out of people, myself included, as sounding like complaining. If you’re a high minded ass, this is cause to complain about other people and their complaining. If you’re paying attention and willing to learn, this can be a great chance to consider how YOU would have handled the situation and possibly even mentally prepare yourself for the same call.

We have a technical support chat room at work in which we are supposed to talk about issues and find solutions.

Months ago, the junior moderators (some of whom no longer work there) and the high minded asses got so negative about it that they poisoned our management’s minds about this chat room and they almost shut it down. I like to think that I had a strong part in changing our Director’s mind because I had a conversation with him where I showed him that some of us were actually learning something from what was being described to him as nothing but whining and complaining. After that conversation, and I do mean IMMEDIATELY after that conversation, all discussion about closing the chat room came to a screeching halt.

When we had an influx of new people last month, a pretty fair number of them depended heavily on that chat room, and a good number of them would even chat me personally to ask my opinion or for my help on things that were not necessarily directly related to technical issues, but were related to relating to customers and dealing with situations.

And yet, we have three High Minded Asses who have decided to target me personally and make snarky comments and play junior moderator on me whenever they are in a bad mood. I post a comment that perhaps sounds like complaining, about how I’m dealing with a difficult personal issue with a customer. I get one guy asking what this has to do with troubleshooting. I get the one woman in that group telling me “who cares?” When truthfully, I could have used some advice or encouragement. Another day I post up a solution to a difficult issue, but perhaps foolishly, make a comment about my customer’s six professional qualifications (Associate Professor, Director of a Children’s Hospital, etc). From Mr. Grumpy Old Man, I get “Then put that in your notes and stop telling us about it”. Hello, asshole, if you read it, you read one possible solution to a common problem that we (or at least I) tend to deal with several times a week. One that had not been known to me before and I had never heard discussed by anyone else. Something other people might want to know and use before they reach the point of throwing in the towel on the issue, which happens all too often because it is a complex issue involving several software packages.

One day, the first guy posts a question, in his usual “only part of the issue and not well communicated” and I point to a certain technical article that deals with that issue. Only the title of it is about something else. So dumbass reads the title and slams me in the chat room for wasting his time. Fifteen seconds later, someone else says “it is (article number), (name)”. Dumbass thanks that person, not a word to me. An hour later, he posts another incomplete question. I point at another article, which was the wrong one because he had failed to post the most significant part of the problem he was working on. I get slammed with a lot of nastiness, way out of line. I post my first and so far, only defensive answer to this crap “Harsh responses to attempts to help you only guarantee less help in the future”.

They stilled the voices of several new people by being excessively harsh, until those people got really careful about the questions they asked in the chat. Irritated the fuck out of me, because I’d rather have people asking stupid questions to simple problems and getting the right answer, and then doing a good job, as opposed to spending an afternoon like today, where I took five calls in a row where I ended up resolving people’s issues within just a few minutes after each of those people had quite literally spent HOURS on the phone with multiple people doing the wrong fucking things to resolve the issue and completely failing. One woman had spent over six hours on the phone with five agents completely fucking up the job, and I resolved it in SIX MINUTES. Another came to me with a demand to speak to a manager because four agents had completely fucked him over and left him worse off than before, then were refusing to return his calls. I gave him a plan of action, assured him I knew exactly how to resolve his issue - and had already done the exact same thing for two other people today - and he’s going to call me first thing in the morning to get it done.

Seriously people, get off your high horses, stop whining and crying about what your limited vision and mentality can only perceive as complaining, start realizing that your sniping and snarking is every bit as bad as the “complaining” YOU complain about, wake the fuck up and learn how to learn from everything that crosses your desk. Learn how to let people complain as a way of learning, learn how to listen for the real issue and learn how to resolve it, without getting clouded over with negativity over the way they voice it. Because that’s what we have to do with our customers in order to do our job, and you should fucking know by now that the same thing will work with your co-workers and everyone else in your life.

That’s a strange kind of snobbery, monstro - she got out, so she’s better than the people she came from? Or she’s just socially retarded.

For the record, I like Red Lobster very much - when you go there for lunch, they give you about twice as much food as you can eat, for a very low price. With good service, no less.

Not being a user of Word’s “track changes” feature, is it possible she expected you to make the changes in such a way that “track changes” would show them and you instead made them in such a way that it would not?