Here’s the deal. Find the article in the Onion archives about the person who is most like you. Most of the articles about individual people are on the society page.
I would say that my best match is Jonathan Green, though I do have a few things in common with Andrew Schnell.
I haven’t found anyone I resemble yet, but that had me on the floor laughing.
Well if you want a recurring character, it would probably be that gangsta accountant guy, Herbert Kornfeld I think it is. If I’m allowed to go through all the archives, then…well, I’ll get back to you.
Great excuse to go through the Onion archives, btw. 
Well, this is who I’d like to be, but in reality it probably comes something closer to Ross Hudek.
I think I have a lot in common with Warren Geary.
Mr. Tin.
What? You don’t believe I have laser eyes and jet-powered feet?
Just call me Fairy Princess Rosebud.