For purposes of this thread, your spouse is the person with whom you share a long-term, committed, cohabiting, and monogamous relationship, regardless of whether you and that person have a sheet of paper from the state affirming that relationship. Or, for that matter, are the same or different genders. Assume also that choosing either way will not change anybody’s life span.
Put another way, the question is about whether you fear death or grief more. I suppose it could also be whether you wish your spouse would go to Valhalla, which is why the poll results will be private.
I’m not married but I ignored that and answered that I’m female and I’d rather be outlived, because I hate to answer a poll with a non-answer. nyah. And also, because I saw how my grandfather’s death slowly eroded my grandma’s will to live until she died while engaging in reckless behavior that could have been said to border a suicide attempt (smoking cigarettes with her CPAP oxygen on, she got lit on fire along with her living room floor, and died several skin grafts later).
My father, father-in-law and several uncles outlived their wives, and their losses damn near killed all of them. I think women are better equipped to handle the idea of their husband preceeding them.
Not that it matters – it’s just a Dope poll, nothing truly of moment – but why answer the poll? It woul dbe like me answering a poll about whether Michael Jordan is a superior player to Kobe Bryant, when all I know about either is that Jordan is a former basketball player, Bryant is (I think) still active, and that Jordan played for the Bulls.
I answered that I would prefer that my husband outlived me, but honestly, I would probably fare better as a widow that he would as a widower. It would damned near kill me if something were to happen to him, but I could survive it. (Actually, I gave this a lot of thought before we even got married - we’re not young, his health isn’t top-notch, and he has a relatively dangerous job.) If something happened to me while the kids were still living at home, he would manage, for their sakes’, but he wouldn’t do well. If the kids were grown and away, I don’t think he’d survive me by very long.
I think almost universally, being the first to go saves you the pain of losing a spouse, so that is the preferred option. Much like Lacunae Matata, I’d prefer my wife outlived me, but I am also better with finances/emotions than she is, and could probably get on with my life in time, though I would be incredibly depressed in the short term as would be expected. I think she might have a complete emotional breakdown.
When our cat died suddenly right as we were leaving for a big trip, my wife just sat on the floor crying and was unable to control herself. While I was very sad, I was ultimately very practical about the matter and put her (the cat, not the wife) in a tied garbage bag and had a friend cremate her for us after we left. I was able to accept the death as something that had to be dealt with, especially given how little time we had to grieve. I don’t know how long it would have taken my wife to deal with it if she had been alone when it happened and I suspect she would have missed the flight. If it was me that died, I can’t even imagine what would occurred. Certainly I would expect her to miss the plane flight for that
I picked that I’d rather he go first, just because I expect to live to be a very, very old woman (I come from a long line of such), and it’s pretty unlikely that my husband will live past 90. I’ve just always assumed he will die before me. And it will be horrendous, but I’ll be OK.
Sr. Olives would handle it better than I would and on that point we are both agreed. I already struggle with chronic depression, even in the best of times, and he’s so psychologically resilient I think he might be a cyborg.
That said, a part of me has accepted the fact that our relationship is not a permanent arrangement. There will be children, which will change things. There will be retirement, and illness, and death. I try very hard to just take every moment as it comes. I try to focus on the gratitude I am experiencing now, because someday those moments are going to help me through the painful parts.
I can only explain it with a similar example. I met and became close to a foreign student from Taiwan during my graduate studies. We became close when I started helping orient her to her new surroundings, and that developed into an amazing friendship. In a few weeks she’s going to graduate and go home and we are both aware that we may never see one another again. It’s sad that we are parting, but greater than that sadness is a feeling of overwhelming gratitude. It’s absolutely wonderful that I got to meet and connect with someone on the other side of the globe, from a completely different culture, who shares my values and celebrates our differences. And to know that she’s going to do this good work to serve her own country gives me a great sense of peace.
I attended a funeral last year in which the gratitude for having known the person seemed to outweigh the sadness by a hundredfold, so I know it is possible to leave that kind of legacy. In this light, I tend to think of my marriage less like an entitlement and more like an amazing miracle. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but every moment seems like the most extraordinary gift. Knowing that I didn’t take him for granted is going to do wonders for getting me through life without him.
I picked female/don’t know. I think I fear grief more than death, but I have been through it and lived (not with a spouse, though). At the moment, I have life insurance and he doesn’t. I think I can take care of myself better than he can take care of himself. We should probably die together in some sort of awesome fireball.
My husband and I have talked about this often. I think he is not as well equipped to cope as I am, so I prefer that he die first to spare him the trauma.
I’m a single male and to tell the truth, I don’t care if my exes survive me or not. If I were in a committed relationship I would hope that whoever goes last is equipped to deal with the grief. Having dealt with grief before (rather frequently during the previous decade and a half) I know I can survive the loss, but I’m really just hoping that if I do find a mate, we’ll be together long enough so that the good memories counteract, to some extent, the grief of separation.
No matter who dies, the other will have a lot if crap together rid of. (I have cars and metalworking equipment, she has a ton of Halloween, DAR, collectibles, etc)
At our current age, the survivor would have quite a bit of living left. 5-10 years ago, I’d say she wouldn’t have been equipped to handle it, but shes had some great therapy and gone through a lot of personal growth since then.
I’d rather be - and expect to be - outlived, for the simple reason that I’m 20 years older than my partner. If I outlive him, it would be because he had a horrible accident or disease, and that would cheat him out of a significant part of his life. It would be horrible.
Not really analogous. I’ve been in long-term live-in relationships. It’s more like someone who loves and is devoted to pro-basketball, but isn’t a pro-basketball player, making an educated judgment about the prospects of a pro-basketball player | versus| a pro-basketball player making the same assessment.
Mr. S is nearly 12 years older than I am, so statistically he’s more likely to go first, and I think that would be the better option. He’s already had some major losses in his life, and he tends to be a “glass is half empty” kind of person, and I think losing me would do him in. I’ve had a lot less heartbreak and I can be pragmatic if I need to be, so I think I would be better at handling widowhood.
Hope I didn’t just jinx myself. I hope not to be a widow for a good long while yet.
I was used to the idea of surviving my husband. It was what I expected to do and I was equipped to deal with it better than he would have been equipped to being widowed. In some ways, it was easier than I thought it would be, even with how much it hurt.
But doing it over again? The thought makes every muscle in my body seize with stress. Surviving a second husband is horrifying.
