Well… it’s not as though we’re discussing mutually exclusive feelings, here. I’d die for my daughter too. And I occasionally resent her. Certainly not the sort of simmering, chronic resentment that I think **NinjaChick **is afraid of, but let’s not pretend it’s all puppies and rainbows.
I don’t know how old **Auntbeast’s **daughter is (apologies if you said so and I missed it), but I’m a pretty sane, well-adjusted individual who knows many other sane, well-adjusted individuals, and I don’t know anyone with a teenager who has never felt any resentment toward them. The emotional issues around parenting are incredibly complex. Kids can be a real pain in the ass in the way that ANYONE that you live with can be a real pain in the ass. Add to that the fact that they tend to do incredibly stupid things that make your life difficult or baffle you with their shortsightednesss and if you’re not damned lucky actually *endanger *them, all of which makes you crazy because you love them and you’re scared for them and you want what’s best for them and you raised them better than that, goddammit, and let’s never forget how it all reflects on you, because after all “bad parent” is about the worst thing that can be said about a person. But hey, no pressure.
Again, I love my daughter. And I really LIKE her, most of the time too. I wouldn’t change a thing, and I can’t imagine my life without her. But IMO, anyone who says that they’ve never felt anything other than the warm fuzzies towards their child either has a REALLY young child, or is deeply in denial.
Oh, and I’m (obviously, I think) referring to pefectly normal teenagers. I don’t have any close relationships with any special needs kids or parents, so I can’t really say. But I don’t think that a person would have to be insane or maladjusted to feel resentful that they’ve got a kid who will never be independent. Again, love and resentment are NOT mutually exclusive feelings.
I was terrified. I married in my late 30’s, never particularly wanted kids (though Mr. Salinqmind wanted one), and would have been perfectly content to have a houseful of cats. One year and one month after the wedding date, there we were with a baby. I remember feeling more…puzzled than anything else, like “where did this creature come from and what do I do with it now?” I didn’t have a big warm loving happy family with lotsa cousins and sisters and aunts, and me and Mr. Salinqmind were more or less on our own. I did have Dr. Spock and lots of other baby-raising books, but I tell ya, I was a nervous wreck. I felt like there was a time bomb up there in the nursery…Somehow we muddled through, and when she was 4, I enrolled her in pre-school half a day 3 times a week. The next year, just before she turned 5, it was time for kindergarten, and she hopped on the school bus and waved bye-bye while we stood there crying our eyes out. Today she is 3 months away from graduating from college…We were blessed with a very intelligent, serious, no-nonsense type who never ever gave us a moment’s worry - no drugs, alcohol, horrible grades, boy-craziness. But that doesn’t mean we never worried. Never a day, week, or month went by that I didn’t worry over something - school bullies, lack of nice grandparents, health concerns. … Today: I’M STILL TERRIFIED. It never ends. A parent’s worry never ends. Now I worry over her future, her lack of a driver’s license, her health…still terrified, yeah. I can only trust in God or fate or whatever that as so it went before, it will in the future. But who knows?
Sure being a parent is scary, and people are right to have concerns.
But the same goes for pretty well everything really worth doing in life. The more you attempt to do, the more responsibilities you assume and the more chances of heartbreak, failure and dissapointment - but OTOH, the greater the potential rewards.
In some ways, as a parent, you are forced to play God, especially when they’re young. And if things turn out poorly, regardless of how much you’ve put into it, guess who gets the blame? So, yeah - I think it’s reasonable to be nervous having kids. You’d be crazy not to be scared.
Some things - eating healthy and exercising to make sure I provide the baby a good vessel - aren’t that hard. But afterward… Wow. Personal space becomes just a memory and freaking out is a luxury you can’t afford, even when you’re scared out of your mind. And that’s just the first 3-4 months. Then there’s the patience you’re forced to develop thas has to grow with your child, setting an example, providing enough stimulation - but not too much - disciplining but being flexible and lenient. All these things you have to try to do just so, but you know you’re bound to fail sometimes.
When I got pregnant, thinking about all the things I needed to do just right was enough to make me quake in my pansy red booties. But was it worth it? Absolutely. And I think I want to do it again.
I have had a whining 3 year old attached at the hip for three days because she has the flu. She is just now potty trained. She’s stubborn as a mule. (Katie, stop poking the dog in the eye!)
Not all puppies and rainbows indeed. There have been some doozy days that is for certain. I hope I didn’t make it sound like that, egads! My mother once met a woman who said she’d never wanted to kill her kid, not even for a moment. We both independently concluded the woman was as mad as a hatter. (Yes, Katie, that is Momma’s eye) (Yes, Katie, that is Momma’s other eye.) (Yes, Katie, that is Momma’s nose.) (No, Katie, please don’t lick me.)
I volunteer for an organization called GRIS (Groupe de recherche et intervention sociale). What they do is they are invited to go into high schools, mostly (as well as cégeps, universities, youth homes, immigrant centres, etc.) to talk about homosexuality. Basically, we briefly introduce ourselves and then the rest of the class is for the young people to ask us any questions they have about homosexuality, the LGBT community, etc., which we answer primarily from our own experience.
It’s one of the best-respected LGBT community organizations in Quebec and has been in existence for over 15 years. Also, from the questionnaires it gives the students, it has the world’s largest body of data regarding the attitudes of young people towards homosexuality.
It’s also a lot of fun to do, and quite rewarding; I’ve given presentations as far afield as northern Lanaudière, Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Granby, and Salaberry-de-Valleyfield. (We may even be going to the Saguenay later on.) But mainly, I like the fact that I’m helping to fight ignorance, and to provide something that I would have killed to have in my own high school career.
At any rate, whether I want to have children is one of the questions I’m most often asked during these sessions, and I respond as indicated above
Although everyone tells me I’d be a great dad, I’m quite certain I’d be a terrible dad. Even though I would do my best to provide a fun, loving and supportive environment, I’d also be a real terror. I have a short fuse and a chip on my shoulder as it is.
Who wants a dad who makes them stand at attention when he talks to them, or who demands that their room be so clean you could perform surgery in it? That’s the kind of dad I’d be. Nuh - uh. Not fair to the kids.
Are you really sure that you actually want to be a parent or is your S.O.applying a little bit of subtle pressure on you?
If you dont really feel ready to have kids,whatever your age,but have them anyway you could well be letting yourself in for many years of unhappiness.
It might be of course that your qualms are never realised and parenthood is the greatest experience of your life,but I would think long and hard before you make the decision and make sure that its YOUR decision,that its what YOU want,not something your doing just to fulfill your partners desires.
Because it will be you that experiences the pregnancy and the birth and quite probably most of the parenting not your partner.
My wife just sent me a text - she caught our four-year-old son with the Tupperware container full of Oreos - crumbs around his mouth, and an attitude of complete denial.
Now, this container was on the top shelf of a closed kitchen cabinet - the boy had to climb up, stand on the counter and rummage around to find the cookies, and then get down again.
Now we’re scolding and punishing him - don’t get me wrong. We don’t want him to dash his brains out onto the kitchen floor. But on the other hand - this is a remarkable example of self starting initiative and resourcefulness. I’m pretty impressed when he does stuff like this and look for ways to channel it into healthier activities.
Now, if you can scold your kids while privately giving them a little attaboy - you’re ready to be a parent. I don’t know if you can be one without the ability to do this.
