He’s in the UK, it probably is raining
“Any day above ground is a good one.”
I especially like something I heard on a TV show recently – “It’s okay to hold on to grief as long as you make room for other things.” That applies to holding on to hurt and rage as well.
Venting is good – wallowing (and drinking) just makes things worse.
We’re pullin’ for ya!
{{{{{nocturnal_tick}}}}}
Right now I’m thinking of a song I heard years ago, “Don’t Give Up” by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush:
Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s gonna be all right
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up.
Even though I’ve never met you, I still feel the need put my 2 cents (2p?) in, hoping it will help. Take care of yourself and remember there is always a reason to keep going, however small it seems.
Amen. It’s fine to have a little pity party for a minute or three, I’ve done it myself. But then one needs to figure out what one wants for a better life and how to get it.
So to the OP, a hug first and then a foothold up for support. Hopefully you DO have something positive in your life that you can build on. Hang in there.
Thanks to everyone who gave their kind thoughts. 
As for contacting my MP, i’ll admit I’m whooshed. Why?
Maybe I’m whooshed again but a lot of comments make it sound like I’m gonna slit my wrists tomorrow. Let me just say I’m not giving up. Ever. So don’t worry because I get a guilt complex over other people worrying over my own problems. 
Darth Nader suggested you contact your congressperson regarding the welfare of the foster kids. Then Zabali_Clawbane said that you seem to live in the UK and wouldn’t have a congressperson. So, guessing that in the UK, MP = Congressperson, I attempted to add a bit of levity to the thread by suggesting you contact your MP and suggested what one might do if they didn’t believe in government by quoting The Young Ones.
Sorry to woosh ya - I just feel like The Young Ones make everyone feel better 
I got your reference, and it did give me a smirk.
As for the welfare of the foster kids it is hopefully just maternal worry for a little baby who was a member of the family. While the parents are the best excuse for forced sterilisation I’ve heard in my life, they’ve not done anything I know of that would endanger the kids. To quote the police, who my mum contacted about their current shady dealings. “It doesn’t make them bad parents” Go figure.
Sorry I missed which country you are in, nocturnal_tick…
I just think your government owes you a break.
Always remember:
It always gets better in the end.
If it’s not better, it’s not the end.
Well if I was one of those people (and I probably was) then I apologise. Call it a reflex action!
I am running on personal experience (always wrong!). You sound like you are well in charge of what you are doing.
I apologise for being being over sensitive, but you were going through a moment and moments need to be acknowledged.
noc, the rest of us would be wailing messes right now. If the rest of us were only 21, we’d be whimpering, wailing messes.
I think you’ve got a pretty good handle on things, by thinking of your brother first. Of all the people you mentioned, he’s the one least equipped to cope with all this.
And forget the girl. I know, it seems like there will never be another one like her, but there will. Probably several. And there will probably be at least one that makes you happier than she ever could.
hug
Hey Noc
I’ve been thinking about you on and off since I first read your post a couple of days ago. I can’t get you out of my mind.
I’ve kind of been where you are. By the time I was your age I was convinced that amongst the pantheon of God’s in heaven there was surely one who’s sole task it was to wait for me to haul myself back up from the latest tragedy/trauma that brought me to my knees - just so they could smite me once again!
The tragedies and traumas in my world were different from the ones you’re experiencing but I know the feeling - it’s all too much. How can all this shit be raining down on me? What the hell did I do to end up with a life like this?
I found the most challenging part was the inability to share it all with my peers. Why? Because just hearing about it was too much for them. They lacked the skill set to offer any concrete help and had only trite phrases such as “It’ll get better” to fall back on. Worse still it separated me from them, making me an object of universal pity.
It’s so important, when you’re young, to move in lockstep with your peers in some ways. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to giggle and laugh and get excited about cute boys, or prom dresses. It was just that my world was filled, every hour of every day, with weightier issues and crises. Any attempt to leave the horror of it behind and just be a teenager, like a regular teenager, always ended in me feeling like I was being an imposter. There seems to be no place to turn.
I’m glad you posted this, the internet is a really good place for you to let some of this out. You don’t have to look at the wincing faces of the people who so badly want to know what’s wrong, when you open the floodgates. Not a bad thing. I was always struck whenever I’d try and share with others how they seemed unable to bear hearing about it, knowing about it. What the hell? I’m the one living it, you’re just listening to it!
The life lessons you are currently taking are working to separate you from your peers. The truth is your Mom is going to die of cancer, your step Dad could well fall apart as a result and your younger brother could end up with only you to advocate and protect him.
And you can’t change any of it. Coming to the acceptance of these things is a pretty important component of maturity. A maturity your peers may not come to for years yet to come. You can no more help them catch up to your maturity level than you can pretend you don’t know what you do.
I learned that no one goes through life unscathed. Everyone loses their parents. People lose children. People are thwarted from reaching their goals, etc. etc. But every once in a long while a life comes into being where the tragedies and traumas seem to come fast and steady in unending succession. The Buddhists call it the short path. Some people get many lifetimes to learn all the lessons, some people are on a shorter path and get all the lessons in one lifetime.
While I don’t have any answers for you I hope you’ll forgive me for offering you a little advice.
Do not self medicate with drugs or alcohol. This is a very dangerous dance for the average schmo, for you doubly so. You have a brother who may very well, in the not distant future, need you. Need you to be together, and clear headed, and respected, so you can help him. Don’t miss your chance to be there for him by turning yourself into an addict. No one thinks it will be them, don’t let it be you.
Try and separate your stuff from theirs. You can’t change the state of their marriage, or who your brothers parents really are. You can perhaps buffer him from the worst of it, but they are who they are and he needs to see the reality. You do him no favour in trying to protect him completely. He needs to live in the reality, as harsh as it may sometimes be, so he can make good choices for himself when the time comes.
This, ‘the only future I’d ever dreamt of’ was the most distressing thing you wrote, for me. Make it your life’s work from this moment forward to creatively dream up twenty five, no, a hundred, different futures for yourself. Swear to never again limit yourself in this way. No therapist required, this one thing alone could save you.
Go ahead and empathize with a baby returned to a bad home but don’t take it on as your shit, it’s not. Your folks going bankrupt and bad with money? Again, not your shit. Does it impact your reality, absolutely, but that’s their crap not yours. Don’t let the universe download a bunch of other peoples shit into your headspace - you got enough on your plate.
Be honest with your army recruiter, straight up, full on, both barrels, then let the cards fall where they may. Recognize and get okay with the fact that it’s all you can do.
I wish I *could *tell you, “It’ll get better”, but, from the sounds of it, it will likely get worse before it gets any better. What I can tell you is this, the only way through it, is through it. We can all see the already growing strength you possess. That process isn’t going to reverse itself. These trials have the potential to shape you into a truly remarkable being.
You will come out of this a stronger and wiser and more mature being than you can imagine today. Will it be annoying that you seem the only one on such a path? Damn straight. But you can’t change it so I say, take what’s good and move ever forward, if only in baby steps.
And then, one day the day will come when it will strike you as odd how many times you’ve been hearing the questions, “How’d you get to be so smart, wise, clever?” Here’s where you get to use your knowing smile. You and I will know the truth!
I apologize for running on at such length, it was not my intention. But your OP was so moving and struck such a chord with me by this morning I knew I’d have to respond. I can only hope it helps for you to know you are not alone and that out there somewhere someone understands.
You will be in my thoughts for many months to come I’m sure. Don’t be afraid to come back and let it out when you feel the need. You may not have noticed but this community brims with compassion and loving kindness.
Good luck to you my friend, hope you know we’re all pulling for you.
No apologies necessary. Just wanted to put the record straight so there were no unnecessary worries.
I’ve been thinking that for ages. I glad I’m not the only one who thought it at one time or another.
That does suck.
I don’t know.
Since I’ve lived a bit longer than you, I will tell you that by the time you and your friends are 40, just about everyone you know will have been served up a heapin helping of crap. It comes in such a wide variety of forms. Much of it will be things they’ve brought on themselves, but others will be out of the blue.
At the same time, life could change drastically for you, for no good reason and without any big effort on your part. It could happen tomorrow or ten years from now - or, not at all.
I hope that someday all the shit you’ve been through turns around to serve you well in some capacity or another. Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning might be of interest to you.
For those that might want to know my mum did not have surgery. She was too underweight for the procedure and the surgeons didn’t want to risk having her die on the table. But they didn’t tell her until after the supposed procedure and still cut her open to have a look and now she’s on antibiotics for an infection caused by cutting her open and she’s still bleeding a week later. Fucking surgeons. Won’t cut out the cancer but we’ll give you an infection and stitches anyway.
So it’s back to square one and it seems like nothing more could go wrong. Then I get an email two days ago. One of my closest friends, a girl who was a sister to me, died on Monday. Passed out some time in the morning and suffered massive organ failure in the night. At the age of 21. FOR FUCKS SAKE! She was one of the few human beings that actually made the world a fucking brighter place! She spent what little of her adult life she had working her arse off travelling the country seeking out and helping abused and homeless children find a better home. Out of her own fucking pocket. Did whatever jobs she had to to keep travelling and keep helping. And she’s dead while the billion other fucktards of the world keep breathing.
So I wrote this thread to commemorate her and I’m using this post to do something positive. Read it. Remember her legacy and remember the other legacies that I hope get posted to this thread.
I just wanted to say that I read your thread, tick, and it brought back many memories of a youth that made Angela’s Ashes seem idyllic, yet things turned out well for me-- and for my siblings. Don’t give up hope in all the futures you can have. This hard experience has given you strength and resilience, qualities that can help you along whatever path you can choose.
Your mom has made her own decisions, some of them may have been mistakes, but at least she had you, a good son. As for your stepfathers, she chose them too, sort of, didn’t she? She’s had a rough life, you are not predestined to the same. You can make your life a good one.
BTW, my dead hero was my brother, and I’ll post about him on your thread very soon.
Please remember that you are not alone, that a lot of people here care about you, that your brother loves and needs you, and that life can get better. With the quality of character and intelligence you’ve demonstrated, I have the feeling that you can build the kind of life that will make you proud. Your best years are ahead of you.
I’m sure an actual doctor can come in here and explain this, but my head hurts. If you can’t finish, why start? Especially for something as major and complicated as surgery for fucks sake.
Sorry to hear about what’s been happening, dude. Lots of virtual hugs and kisses heading your way, and I hope your mother gets better 
Just do your best to keep your head on straight–sometimes that’s the best we, as individuals, can do.
This is what I know. Between diagnosing an unknown mass and getting to surgery my mum has been seen by 5 or 6 doctors. It appears none of them have spoken to each other. She went from ultrasound to CT to MRI. The consultant who was supervising the surgery came to her the morning of the operation and said the MRI showed no signs of cysts on her ovaries any more. She has no ovaries but the consultant couldn’t be arsed to actually read her medical records.
I get that being underweight is a reason to prevent surgery but you think the fuckers would see that before they put her under and started.
Excellent suggestion. This book helped me feel better when I was going through an “it’s not fair” kind of phase in life. If anyone can speak on the issue of coping with senseless misfortune and horrific suffering, I think it would be a Holocaust survivor.