How is this different from any other instance where respect and politeness is demanded? Is the salient fact that the woman was ‘taken’ or that the advance was impolite?
You do realize that might very well be a felony?
But, at that point, my bad behavior has nothing to do with whether she has a boyfriend or not. I’m an a-hole either way.
There is no difference. I’m also going to assume you mean continued advances. An advance isn’t impolite at all as long as you’re being respectful about it. continued advances you’re being rude to the woman and if shes “taken” you’e being rude to both her and the boyfriend.
I doubt it would come to that but yes you are right.
Agreed. Did I day something contradictory to that? (respectfully)
I did, sorry for my imprecision.
~evil grins~
So as long as you respectfully hit on someone with a sig nif other, and as long as they don’t tell you to get lost when you’re hitting on them, it’s golden, right?
~shakes finger at FinnAgain~
Yes, but personally if she says “I have a boyfriend” I would take that to mean get lost.
I do get wherre you’re comming from though (I think). I have had women tell me after I hit on them: “I have a boyfriend” But they say it in such a tone or such a “shrug-offish” way; that it leads you to believe that your advances are welcome. In this case I’d still say “shame on both of you.” And if it were to happen to me personally the last thing on my mind would be the guy. I’d be WAY too angy at her to even think about him.
No, it just seems that the OP was about whether it was all right to hit on a girl with a SO. So, bringing up someone being a jerk while hitting on someone is sort of irrelevant to that, because that’s wrong whether or not there is an SO.
I think we actually agree, to tell you the truth, and by 100+ posts, we’re now on semantics.
Nine times out of ten, I’d agree with you.
Yay!
Yes, exactly!
~evil grins~
And how about further exceptions to this rule? Take, for example, someone like the author of this thread (not to put words or thoughts or actions in her mind/life, at all). Let’s say they were out on the town alone (or even at a party with their sig nif other out of eyesight/earshot), and hadn’t left their shitty partner because they were afraid of being alone. And then along came some charming and kind and handsome and respctful suitor to chat them up…
clairobscur- because I’ve actually only encountered the really obnoxious behaviour when I’ve used “I have a boyfriend” or some variant thereof to end the chat up.
When I was single “Sorry, you’re not my type” was my standard reply to unwanted advances, and ended my interaction with that person pretty much immediately.
My problem isn’t with being hit on by guys I don’t like, it’s being hit on AFTER I have made it clear that I don’t want to be hit on. If their reply to “I have a boyfriend” is “Sorry, I didn’t realise” then no harm, no foul.
Unfortunatley the obnoxious ones seem to believe that me having a boyfriend still gives them a shot, while telling them I’m not attracted to them will end the conversation there and then.
I’ve been following this, and I just wanted to point out what happens all too often as a result of this attitude:
People go insane? 
Shakes! So, you start this thread, basically pitting me, kimera, Rebekkah, FiveYearLurker, Rhiannon8404, Asteroide, jester21, and possibly a few others. (No, you didn’t name names, but still…)
In your OP you state we’re less than moral for encouraging the Op of that thread to pursue an interest he has in a girl; an unmarried girl who has clearly expressed an interest in him.
Then, here, after three pages of a pit thread, you post this: “If this is your mentality; then you were never truely commited to the relationship to begin with.”
Bingo! That’s what several people were saying in the other thread: If the girl is open to exploring a relationship with CG, then he should proceed.
If you can show anywhere in the thread that aroused your ire where THAT girl acted like CG’s company was unwelcome, please enlighten us.
Otherwise, otherwise,WHAT?
No. If he hasn’t asked her to marry him, then he’s got no right to complain of poaching.
–Cliffy
Sigh again:
1.) I feel sorry for the unsuspecting BF in said thread.
2.) Who the fuck are you people to say that if one isn’t MARRIED then the realationship has lesser value.
3.) Get a fucking clue, some of us don’t believe in marriage. (For whatever reasons. If you think you have justification to trample over ones beliefs then you’re just an ignarant prick.)
4.) Shame on BOTH people for doing what they are doing to said BF. Barring unsual circumstances (i.e. Physically abusive ect…) I think he is at least due the consideration of knowing what’s going.
5.) YOU show ME anywhere I said CG’s advances were unwelcome.
please let this thrread die now… jeesh…
I most certainly agree with you, but this is the responsability of the person involved in the relationship. It isn’t very relevant regarding the hypothetical suitor of said person.
I don’t know exactly where the lin should be drawn (actually I don’t believe much in drawing theorical lines), but do you have a duty to supress your own feelings on the behalf of a stranger’s feelings?
Given the rate of divorce, it seems this mentality is uite widespread. So, you made this “leap of faith”. And someday, you realize that you were wrong. Your SO isn’t (or isn’t anymore) able to make you as happy as you could be. Have you a duty , once again, to be unhappy in the behalf of your SO (assumedly still satisfied with the relationship.
Personnally I tend to think along with St-Exupery : “what you tame
you are forever responsible for”. But I don’t extend this responsability to staying forever with someone.
That might also be a reason why I never commited.
It serves the purpose of dating the woman you want to date. Which is a pretty powerful incentive, generally. As for “disrespecting him”… I don’t believe he has any right on his wife/girfriend/date/whatever. Only the opinion of the woman I would be hitting on would b relevant to me, assuming I don’t know him personnally.
For the record, I only hit once on a woman I knew had a boyfriend. My first girlfriend, actually (so, rather a girl than a woman), and we stayed together for five years (without commiting ) . However, I wouldn’t exclude to do so in the future. The main deterent would be that I don’t like complicated situations. And I wouldn’t morally condemn someone doing so, either, of course.
I second that. (though as mentionned above I think everybody as the right of “poaching”).
[/QUOTE]
True there are varying definitons for dating, but I’ve been trying to talk about ultimate-underlying-reality and not labels.
Sometimes “I have a girlfriend/boyfriend” isn’t a brush off, but an informative statement that lets someone who is obviously interested aware of some important information. Maybe they’re possibly interested, but want to let the other know they shouldn’t be too obvious. Maybe they are in a somewhat open relationship and are trying to weed out people who are looking for a relationship or who don’t want to sleep with someone who is seeing someone else. Perhaps they are interested in seeing how the person reacts to it - they might like guys or girls who react smoothly and politely without being immediately discouraged - or they might like those assholes who do all the things that most people in this thread agree are sleazy but would have no interest in a guy who cares to ask if it’s serious or not. If I’m really interested in a person and they give the “I have a boyfriend” response, I may try to get some clarification as to whether or not this is a brush off - depending on the tone and body language used. If a woman says that while flipping her hair, recrossing her legs towards me, and making eyes at me, I’m going to think there’s a strong chance of an alternate explanation and be a little bolder with my seduction. If she says it coldly and makes a point of turning away from me, I’m walking away. If it’s somewhere in-between, I may continue talking to her until it’s clearer to me.
Of course, if she says ‘No, I have a boyfriend’ instead of just ‘I have a boyfriend’, I’m not going to keep trying. Any reasonably observant and empathic individual should be able to tell pretty quick if the person does not want the attention.