"So is this your girlfriend?"...uh..(awekward moment) ladies check in..

In My Humble Opinion
1

So when exactly do you call some one you’ve been dating your girlfriend?

Heres what happend to me the other day:

I take this girl I’ve been dating to a friends house; we walk in and my friend says something to the effect of: “So is this your girlfriend?” I respond with “uh… yeah well you know…uh… we’ve been dating… I guess…”

It was an awekward moment to say the least and we have since talked about it and deccided that yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend. But what I want to know is when do you consider it to be a boyfriend girfriend situation? Do you consider it pretty much implied after you’ve had sex? Or does it take more than that?

I’m especialy curious what the lady dopers have to say about this. However, everybody’s input is appreciated.

2

If I’m getting naked with you, you’d damn well better consider me your girlfriend, toots.

3

DIITO, Kittenblue!

4

keeeraaaaaaaap
I meant DITTO!

jeez

5

After a few dates, I can usually tell if I’d like to take the relationship further. I sit down with the guy and have the scary monogamy talk. When he agrees to the new terms and conditions, I’ll say something like, “Oh, cool, I have a boyfriend!” and smile real big. I think this gives him a chance to back out if he’s not comfortable. If the guy introduces me as his girlfriend before we reach that point, I smile or whatever and talk to him about it later. The way I see it, if he throws a tizzy then it wasn’t meant to be anyway. If someone says, “Oh, this is your boyfriend,” before the “big talk”, I’ll reply, “Whoa, what’s the rush?” or something to that effect.

6

Personally I think it’s boyfriend/girlfriend when monogamy is implied. I have a friend who, on occasions, wakes up in my bed and visa versa, but as it’s not an exclusive relationship I don’t regard her as my girlfriend.

7

I don’t consider anyone my boyfriend until we’ve talked about it and settled that we are in fact boyfriend and girlfriend.

“So is this your girlfriend?” just seems like a bad thing to say. In most cases, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal (ie “Oh, no, we just met” or “We’re just friends”) but it seems like it could lead to major discomfort in other situations.

8

Here’s my take (as a guy, for what that’s worth)…

I don’t believe that just because two people have sex, that makes them boyfriend and girlfriend. Those terms only apply when two people are in a committed relationship. It takes two to agree upon that. You can’t just assume it.

Here are my rules:

Dates: If I have been on 3 dates or fewer with a woman and someone asks who she is, I will say that “we’ve been on a few dates.” (whether sex was had or not).

Dating: At the beginning of the fourth date, when asked the same question, I will say, “we’re dating.” (whether sex was had or not).

Committed: I never assume I am in a committed relationship. The terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” attach only after a committment. A committment requires an agreement between both parties, like a contract, and is not implied by having sex. You can’t assume that the other person wants to commit just because you sleep together.

It makes no sense to me to impose some kind of committment upon someone or believe that someone wants a committment just because you slept together.

Pretty romantic, eh?

I ALWAYS have “the talk” to find out whether we want to have a committed relationship. Best to get this stuff out in the open. Anyone who assumes committment is asking for trouble. You are not a mind reader, and you may have no idea whether the person you slept with desires a committment.

A committment can only be implied in rare cases. One may say, “I only have sex if my partner and I are committed.” If sex is had after that, then, it’s fair to assume that your partner is agreeing to be committed (i.e., boyfriend and girlfriend).

9

I just went through this. Coincidentally, my best guy pal also started dating at the same time. I told him I didn’t know if I had “this guy I’ve been dating” or “a boyfriend.” He said that I should tell him I was thinking about dating other people, and see his reaction. That seemed a bit cruel, so I didn’t do that. Alternatively, he figured that if I saw him 3 or more times a week, I had a boyfriend.

On the other hand, his girlfriend asked him point-blank “so, am I your girlfriend now?”

10

Thank you, Bearflag70, you summed up my thoughts exactly.

I got burned by the commitment assumption once. He assumed, I did not. So he got pissed when I made mention of someone else. Once we got it out in the open, it was cool. But it pissed me off that he assumed we were exclusive when we’d never specifically talked about that.

11

I never call a girl my girlfriend until we’ve discussed it. Everyone has a different opinion of what “dating” means. I’ve been told in the past that I was dating someone by virtually everyone around me, but the two of us had never discussed it, so in my mind, we were still just hanging out and working things through. It’s awkward to hear you’ve been commited to a relationship without your knowledge, so I always make sure that when things start getting heavy, I cover base with what her opinion of the relatinship is and clarrify wether or not it’s safe to use “girlfriend” in reference to her.

I’ve been in your situation as well, and a “We’re dating,” or “we’re working on it,” is always a good response, but if she’s present, there always needs to be that clarrifying talk afterwards.

12

Ahh, would that it were as easy as they make it look in the soaps, where once a couple kisses, they’re “official” (unless one of them is married)…

I don’t consider sex an adequate gauge for relationship status. Most often that is in fact the case with me, however I’ve been in scout’s situation, where he assumed, and I didn’t (in fact, I took him for the type who’d be thrilled with a “no strings” arrangement… I was wrong).

Likewise, exclusivity can be incidental. Maybe I’m not seeing anyone else besides you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to be committed to you.

I say ya gotta have the talk, or some sort of clarification, even if it’s not a “talk” per se.

For example, I was once hanging out with a guy I’d been seeing (though not yet screwing) and some of his friends. One of the friends accidentally elbowed me in the process of preparing dinner, and my fella said (jokingly), “Hey! Don’t hit my girlfriend!”

Me (over the next 10 seconds or so): :eek: :confused: :slight_smile: :smiley:

. . . and we lived Monogamously Ever After, until we broke up.

Luckily, I happily accepted my role as his GF, but in other cases, the moment (and his assumption that we were a couple) could have been awkward at best, disastrous at worst.

So the moral of the story is that it’s not safe to assume anything either way. I think scout and I have learned the hard way that even NOT assuming anything is an assumption in and of itself, and can get you into trouble. :wink:

13

This reminds me of the time I asked this girl I was spending a lot of time with to define the whole “marriage” thing …

14

This is why I don’t do “dating”, per se. I’d rather hang out as friends, see where it goes. See how the chemistry works.

It takes the pressure off, too, and you have loads more fun. If it’s meant to be more, it’ll happen.

Maybe this is why I’m single

15

We’re not exclusive until we talk about it. However, I don’t fool around sexually with people unless I’m exclusive with them.

Old-fashioned and all that.

16

I’m old-fashioned, but some people blow my mind with all this talk of specific agreements. Sounds like some folks want a contract signed before they will acknowledge any responsibility not to screw around with you.

One ex, after admitting that he had just screwed some chick he’d met in the park (after we’d been dating exclusively for over 2 years, mind you), refused to admit he’d done anything wrong because, “hey, it’s not like I ever agreed not to sleep with anyone else.” The concept of de facto exclusivity was completely foreign to him; in fact, he basically wanted a pat on the back because he’d “respected” me enough to tell me before I caught him in the act.

My most recent ex didn’t accept that we were boyfriend and girlfriend after six months of seeing each other almost daily (and nightly), with some seriously hardcore fooling around basically every time we saw each other. To his credit, however, at least he didn’t cheat on me (as far as I know, anyway; I don’t know when he would have found the time or the energy, for one!). Hell, if you’re tempted to cheat on someone, and you ever gave a damn about her, do her a favor and dump her first. At least then she can be pissed at you and keep her self-respect.

It was pretty funny at Thanksgiving, though, when his 5-year-old nephew was teasing him about his “girlfriend.”

I don’t have any cutoffs per se, but those cases were both pretty egregious in my book.

17

I’m old-fashioned, but some people blow my mind with all this talk of specific agreements. Sounds like some folks want a contract signed before they will acknowledge any responsibility not to screw around with you.

One ex, after admitting that he had just screwed some chick he’d met in the park (after we’d been dating exclusively for over 2 years, mind you), refused to admit he’d done anything wrong because, “hey, it’s not like I ever agreed not to sleep with anyone else.” The concept of de facto exclusivity was completely foreign to him; in fact, he basically wanted a pat on the back because he’d “respected” me enough to tell me before I caught him in the act.

My most recent ex didn’t accept that we were boyfriend and girlfriend after six months of seeing each other almost daily (and nightly), with some seriously hardcore fooling around basically every time we saw each other. To his credit, however, at least he didn’t cheat on me (as far as I know, anyway; I don’t know when he would have found the time or the energy, for one!). Hell, if you’re tempted to cheat on someone, and you ever gave a damn about her, do her a favor and dump her first. At least then she can be pissed at you and keep her self-respect.

It was pretty funny at Thanksgiving, though, when his 5-year-old nephew was teasing him about his “girlfriend.”

I don’t have any cutoffs per se, but those cases were both pretty egregious in my book.

18

I’m old-fashioned, but some people blow my mind with all this talk of specific agreements. Sounds like some folks want a contract signed before they will acknowledge any responsibility not to screw around with you.

One ex, after admitting that he had just screwed some chick he’d met in the park (after we’d been dating exclusively for over 2 years, mind you), refused to admit he’d done anything wrong because, “hey, it’s not like I ever agreed not to sleep with anyone else.” The concept of de facto exclusivity was completely foreign to him; in fact, he basically wanted a pat on the back because he’d “respected” me enough to tell me before I caught him in the act.

My most recent ex didn’t accept that we were boyfriend and girlfriend after six months of seeing each other almost daily (and nightly), with some seriously hardcore fooling around basically every time we saw each other. To his credit, however, at least he didn’t cheat on me (as far as I know, anyway; I don’t know when he would have found the time or the energy, for one!). Hell, if you’re tempted to cheat on someone, and you ever gave a damn about her, do her a favor and dump her first. At least then she can be pissed at you and keep her self-respect.

It was pretty funny at Thanksgiving, though, when his 5-year-old nephew was teasing him about his “girlfriend.”

I don’t have any cutoffs per se, but those cases were both pretty egregious in my book.

19

Would you mind repeating that one more time? I didn’t catch all of it the first 3 times.:wink:

20

Eva Luna, I respectfully disagree.

I don’t care if I see someone exclusively for six years and have sex every day. There’s no such thing a de facto committment. Just because you choose not to see others for some time does not mean you agree never to see others. Just because I choose to do my SO’s laundry for six months doesn’t mean I agree to ALWAYS do her laundry.

Without an agreement to be exclusive, there’s no duty to be exclusive. If you want someone to be exclusive, get an agreement… and it doesn’t have to be in writing, just talk about it. It’s not “screwing around” unless there’s a breach of a committment by seeing someone else.

You don’t have the right to dictate that someone else stay monogamous unless that other person has agreed to do so.

Also, the non-committed partner has no duty to tell you that he or she is seeing someone else. It may be wise to tell you about it, but there’s no DUTY to tell you about it.

For example, I have told women words to the effect that, “I like you a lot [insert various redeeming qualities here (e.g., nice boobs, etc.)], and I think you would make an awesome girlfriend. Whadda ya say we make this exclusive and see where it goes?” At that point, she can say (1) “that sounds great”; or (2) “let’s just “date” for now because I’m not looking for a committment, especially not with you, jackass.”