Bearflag 70, I respectfully disagree with you. There are indeed de facto commitments; they’re part of the shorthand of relationships. Not everything in relationships has to be discussed and negotiated like buying a used car; some things are just understood (although I do agree it is a good idea to discuss certain things to make sure you are both on the same page). For example, if you have a date with the same person every Saturday night for months, it will eventually be expected that you reserve your Saturday night for them, and they will be disappointed if you aren’t available for Saturday night and don’t let them know in advance.
Well, I’d love to give advice, but I’ve only had two girlfriends.
The first one just kinda happened. We met in college, freshman year, same dorm and all. We hung out with a group of people, then slowly did a few more things alone. Finally, we both kinda realized that we kinda tiptoeing around a relationship (give us a break, she was my first GF and i was her first BF, we were new to this whole thing.)
My current GF was more like most people, assume. She flirted with me and me back to her during fall semester…of course, she had another BF at the time so I was confused as Hell. Spring semester came, BF was gone, I asked her to go see a movie, and she did. We did some kissing, and I even managed to get her to come back to my place to sleep. 
(when I say sleep I mean that literally, no sex took place at all.) The next day her friend asked us if “it” was “official” and she, of course, made me answer. I said yes, and the rest is a happy five months for bouv
Here’s a term worth spreading into wider usage: itemized.
Example:
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“We’re itemized.”
That means there’s something romantic going on and you’d rather not pigeonhole it yet. You’ve dated, you’ve kissed, and you’ve both enjoyed the kisses. Anything more than that is your own business. The two of you are taking things one day at a time.
It’s something like what used to be meant when saying that two people were an item.
Bearflag, Featherlou, should it have been good enough that I told him within our first week of dating that I didn’t knowingly have non-exclusive physical relationships, and defined “physical relationship” as anything more involved than a peck on the cheek? He accepted that, and we moved on from there (or so I thought).
Since he knew how I felt, and shortly thereafter ditched the other women he was dating, I think it was entirely reasonable of me to believe that he had agreed to an exclusive relationship. To me, that agreement didn’t disappear two years later just because he decided he didn’t feel like bothering to keep his fly zipped. Hell, if I don’t make you hot anymore for whatever screwed-up reason, by all means dump me, but don’t torture me first until I dump you!
As for the second ex: even he acknowledged that he had commitment issues that he didn’t know if he would ever overcome. (Do a search on my username and Prozac, and you’ll get the picture.)
Does that make more sense now?
Duh, I just scrolled up and saw the triple-post. Damn hamsters running this board: someone shoudl feed them! OK, I was pissed off when I wrote that, but not THAT pissed off! Could some kind mod put the duplicates out of their misery, please?
Eva Luna: I think it’s fairly clear that the first BF you cite was a jerk. You two may not have ever spelled out the terms of your relationship, but after two years he should have known what your expectations were. He didn’t break a promise, but he did do something that he should have known was going to be hurtful to you.
I’ve had sexual no-commitment relationships, one of which lasted two years. In each of them, I made sure to repeatedly tell my partner that I didn’t want a monogamous relationship. Everyone’s happier when they know where they stand.
As for the OP, a good answer might be “Girlfriend? I don’t know, but I’m hoping yes.” I consider it “official” after both parties have explicitly agreed that it is. However, in some cases terms like “monogamy” might have to be defined. I dated someone who would wander around holding hands with and kissing other men, and she considered herself entirely faithful because there was no genital contact. Threw me for a loop, I must say. Discussing such things before they come up can be a bit awkward, though. (“So, I can go to strip clubs but not get lap dances, and you can hold hands but not tongue-kiss other men, and you must maintain a radius of not less than 10.78” between any body part and a stranger’s crotch, and…")
“Stop smothering me!” 
Jimmy the Saint: “Are you in love with him?”
Dagney: “I have memorized his phone number. But I don’t share his toothbrush. We’re somewhere in between.”
From Things to Do In Denver When You’re Dead. When there are no easy answers, there are always the movies…Timmy
No, the usage of that word in that way should be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot.
'Nother vote for “sometimes it’s assumed”. For example, in my group of friends, it’s pretty much assumed exclusive unless stated otherwish.
As to what to say… don’t put her on the spot. Make a joke or something.
I personally said yes to seeing a movie with my (now)boyfriend. I later found out that that meant we were dating. Everything is still great 2+ years later.
I dunno, maybe “Itemized” will catch on with young accountants or something… 
I think the term we coined in college has more slang potential though- Drive by Dating: you date someone just long enough so it hurts like hell when you unceremoniously dump them.
Women will be slapping me all around the message board for this one. This thread reminds me of the time I went to a party with a girl. This was before I came out. I knew that the girl liked me, but I was really trying not to lead her on. Anyhoo, we get to the party and, we are greeted by about six of her best friends. She introduces me as her date (which I was), and then I corrected her and in front of everyone said that we were really just “car partners.” Needless, she was not pleased with how I described our relationship, and I could hardly blame her. Ruined the party for her. I was really, really, really young at the time. 
That’s different. Yes, that makes a difference. He implicitly agreed to commit there, IMHO.
oooh, i so know the feeling. ow.
i never know what to call people-with-whom-i’m-involved. i generally just try to use names rather than titles of address when talking to third parties. or if they’re really spiffy, they somehow get transformed into “boycreatures” or “girlcreatures.” it’s both more affectionate and less-forboding than the standard boyfriend/girlfriend title. works for me.
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As to the commitment/fidelity issue – you don’t even need a long-term binding commitment to at least maintain a one-at-a-time kind of rule. That’s just polite, IMO, unless clearly advised otherwise. Going back to Eva Luna’s tri-post, yes, knowing what the other person’s expectations are and acquiescing, does create an implicit promise to keep meeting them.
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This reminds me of a friend who, back in the early 90s, for the longest time wanted to maintain – what’s it called? oh, right – “plausible deniability” of her then-boyfriend (No, not me). She would call him everything but her boyfriend.
Now, in her particular case, her friends found this interesting in that we knew them both to have NO conceivable obstacle, personally or socially, to just admitting it. And that they were indeed in a committed relationship, as most of us understand it.
Eventually it emerged that she was concerned that making a manifest affirmation of such nature would be confirming a “commitment”, that she was afraid to risk failing at. Eventually she got over it and as it turns out they were succesful at maintaining fidelity and working through any problems that arose, until it ended amicably some 5 years later. (OTOH, today she is totally OK with calling her present boyfriend just that)
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This is the obligatory greeting for Opal, which strictly speaking is to be used to pad a list of 2 items so it makes it up to 3, but has become usual and customary to use as the 3rd item of any list
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What is “foreboding” about “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”?
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Definitely, people need to make sure at some point in the relationship that everybody is not just in the same key but on the same sheet of music. It does not have to be a mortgage closing, but at the very least common respect demands clear signals (feats of mentalism or ESP are NOT to be expected. I DO really care, but if there’s a “right” answer, you may want to tell me, I may not “just know”, thru no fault of my own)
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Of course, this would be all so much simpler if there were a flowchart, or something. Y’know, IF (a) AND (b) AND (c) BUT NOT (d) , THEN N = GIRLFRIEND
Personally, I consider all my relationships to be strictly monogamous, unless we’ve had the conversation to agree that the relationship is “open” (which in my experience doesn’t work) - NOT the other way round, I don’t expect to have to get a contract signed in blood to ensure fidelity. If anyone ever did the “oh, I never agreed to be faithful” thing to me, there is no way they would be walking for a very long time. (Especially after a considerable length of time as in Eva Luna’s case.)
That said, I do make the customary, “you cheat, I leave” comment fairly quickly in a relationship, just so he knows.
As for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing… If I’ve kissed you (with tongues an’ all), then I consider you my blokey. Not in any official sense, just that if I’ve kissed you it means I have an interest in taking things further with you, and I wont be snogging anyone else. I don’t enter into a relationship unless I want it to go somewhere. I did my promiscuity thing when I was a kid, I’m over it now. (not that I’m disapproving of those that do, just it don’t rock my boat no more ;)).
Also, I’m fairly laid back, I wont be the one to “make it official”, I leave that to the guy, and if it takes too long I will wander off. But the chances are someone will ask “The Question[sup]TM[/sup]” which I will of course defer to him to answer. (as mentioned above, by getting involved, I know I want it to be official). And if I get a bad answer, well, there ya go, I made a bad judgement, it happens.
I know that :eek: 
feeling, auntie em, I had something similar recently when a drunken guy in a Dublin pub asked if we were in love, and my blokey said yes! 