If you frequent IMHO or MPSIMS forums often you may (but probably not) remember a post i had about friends with benefits. I’m still in that situation it seems but things are somewhat different.
I have a friend with benefits (let’s call her Jane) and I lived with her and her roommates for about a week before i could move back into the dorms. Because of the amount of time we spent together due to the circumstances, a lot of people think to seem we’re dating, including her possibly. To which i want to rudely reply, “no we’re friends with benefits, not dating,” which might upset her.
Which brings the question, when are two people dating? When they talk to each and have sex too? Is that the criteria? Why isn’t there an official declaration for a relationship in which a man and a woman are expected to cross certain boundaries exclusively with each other? And love each other to, i guess.
Or is there an official sign of dating they were keeping a secret from me?
Well you could still go on several dates with somebody but not be dating. At that point you could continue to see each other or simply stop if one person thinks it’s not going to work out.
I think you should probably ask the person you’re supposed to be just friends-with-benefits with. What does she say? Look, I understand you don’t want to hurt her feelings. But you’re going to hurt them a hell of a lot more the longer you let this drag out. Resolve it now. If the sex stops, oh, well. You’ve lived without it before. Besides, if you still have a thing for her friend, they’re both going to think you’re a total creep if you’re hitting on the friend while “dating” her.
Maureen, I would definitely not hit on other women while dating someone, and I won’t right now even though things are vague. Or because things are vague. I’m not a complete asshole. Partial, maybe.
I’d say you have to ask her if there’s an official sign for dating - 'cause it’s not so important what *we * think, is it?
Me personally? I’m a one-of-the-guys kinda gal, so when you stop treating me like a pal and start treating me like a “girl,” I feel like “friends with benefits” moves into “Oh, shit, we’re dating.” This is usually sometime around the time when I realize one or more of several things has happened:
We’ve talked on the phone for five or more days in one week, especially if we do so on a schedule (that is, every night when I get home from work, I call you or vice-versa). The key here is that a missed call would be noticed and remarked upon.
We’re hanging out in a public place and you check out another girl - but either stop yourself, get flustered or apologize to me for it. Dude, if we’re not dating, I don’t care! (Actually, I don’t care if you check people out when we are dating, but your actions would indicate to me that you thought I cared, a la girlfriend time.)
I mention I’m going to a wedding, dance, party or other gathering and you assume you’re coming with.
You stop mentioning other girlfriend prospects to me. If I think there’s no one you’re interested in or making moves toward, I’m going to start wondering if you’re looking or if you’ve settled on me. (See #2)
Just tell her how you feel. It’s not as hard as you might think. My impression from this and other threads is that you’re not really looking for a girlfriend-relationship with this girl, right? So try something like, “I just want to let you know how much I dig hanging out with you without all the complications of having a romantic relationship. You’re a great friend, and I want to be sure you let me know if things start feeling weird to you, OK?”
This lets her know where you stand in a nice way - you’ve complimented her twice as well as been considerate of her feelings, which makes it a lot harder for her to be mad at you! Sure, if she’s Jonesing for “more,” you might have an uncomfortable discussion ahead - but at least you’ve begun the process. These things do NOT get easier with time. Ever.
IMO, you’re “dating” when 1.) it is understood without saying so that you’ll be making it a point to spend at least some of any upcoming free time together, and 2.) neither of you is looking at other prospects because of your relationship with each other.
In my experience, the moment is generally marked when someone breaks through the confusion and asks a subtle question like, “So are we dating now, or what?”
When I was entering into a relationship with one of the guys I knew that sounded to me like being friends with benefits, which Sunspace, is what it sounds like. It’s a relationship with a strong physical side, which can include sex or just lots of things that lead up to sex, but were the emotial connection is no stronger than it is with a friend. From my very limited personal experience it doesn’t work too well, as one person usually wants emotions to get involved. No, wants isn’t the right, emotions just happen. Like me and my now ex. He wanted me to follow him to grad school when I graduated. I walked. Alas, I was making a point, what was it again, oh yes. So I was freaking out about how to reconcile being in such a relationship with who I thought I was. I was talking to one of my male friends that smarter than he appears about these things. He asked me what was a relationship that wasn’t supposed to lead anywhere, but exclusive version of friends with benefits. It made me laugh. And helped me a lot.
In terms of whether or not you are dating, you really need to talk to her. Not knowing hurts more than knowing the truth, regardless of what that truth is. One of the harder things I had to do was sit down with my then boyfriend or whatever you call the male version of Jane, and tell him that while I cared for him, I didn’t love him and never could, even though he contiually expressed his love for me. It cleared my head and heart. And probably saved him pain, as well.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it does…
:dubious:
If you’re out on skates, you’re skating.
If you’re out on dates, you’re dating.
You hang out when you hang out. You fuck when you fuck. If you want to go out to the movies together or go grab a bite to eat, you do that.
It just is what it is.
What is “seeing each other”? “going out”? “dating”? “going steady”? It’s not like there’s a checklist where all of a sudden you pass a time period, or spend a weekend together and BOOM, you just moved into the next category.
Basically, you got 2 things with good definitions: married and engaged. Everything else is just “everything else”.
Sure fire way to find out is to tell her you’re going out on a date with someone else. If she loses it, she thinks you’re a couple.
But seriously, I don’t see this situation turning out well - if she’s not flat-out telling these same people that you’re not a committed couple, then it’s highly likely that she thinks you are.
Just give her the straight dope now, let her deal with it, and move on. The more you wait, the worse the outcome will be.
You’re not fooling me - I know how the game works - you like the attention of having a woman near you because that gets other women to notice you, but you have no intention of dating Jane. Keeping her guessing just to keep her around while waiting for something better is a shitty thing to do, and I ought to know, because I did it myself.
Asking people if they are dating or not seems to work remarkably well. There are other signs (rings, tattoos, pregnancy, etc) that also serve the less inquisitive.
