Who's ready for a new "joke" thread?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This arrived via good ol’ Reader’s Digest and gave me a guffaw I was in dire need of:

A San Diego police officer pulls over a motorist. “Congratulations, sir. You’ve won a $5,000 prize in the city’s “Safety Lottery” for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?” The motorist: “Oh, take a driving class and get a license, I guess.” His wife in the passenger seat: “Don’t listen to him. He always says stupid stuff when he’s drunk.” Man awakened in the back seat: “I told you we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.” Voice from trunk: “Are we across the border already?”

“Love Story? There’s two things wrong with that movie: No Smokey, and no Bandit!” – Eric Forman, That 70’s Show

2

A rather confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quickglance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, " Is your date running late?" “No”, he replies,“Q’s just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued womansays, " A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me”, he explains."What’s it telling you now?"she asked. “Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”

007 taps his watch and says “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

3

Long but funny.

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they
award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match”. The DJs
call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously
involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
DJ: “Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of ‘MateMatch’?”

Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”

DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.”

Contestant: “Brian.”

DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: “Yes.”

DJ: “Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”

DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sarah.”

DJ: “Is Sarah at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”

DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”

DJ: “Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”

DJ: “Brian! Stay with me here!”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”

DJ: “Question #2 - How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”

DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”

DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?”
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”

DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?” Brian: “Not that it was
all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”

DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”

DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.” (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: “Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we?”(touch tones…ringing…)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”

DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”

DJ: “Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”

DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate match’?”
Sarah: “No.”

DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”

DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian…uh, this morning before Brian went to work”

DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”

DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”

DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”

DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well, it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…”

DJ: “She saw?”
Sarah: “BRIAN?!”
Brian: “No, no I didn’t…”

DJ: “Ease up there, sister. Just messin’ with your head. Your answer, please?”

Sara: “Dear Lord…I cannot believe you told them this.”
Brian: “Come on, honey, it’s for a free trip to Florida.”

DJ: “Let’s go, sister. We ain’t got all day here. Where did you do it?”
Sarah: (short pause) “In the ass.”

(long, long pause)
DJ: “We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.”

4

smug: rotflmao!! :slight_smile:

This was the funniest thing I’ve heard all week!

Here’s a stupid one… all I could think of.

It’s the spring of 1962 and Bobby goes to
pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s
father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are
planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll Screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams
at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST !!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

That John Denver’s full of shit man!

5

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all

different colors, green, red, orange, blue, yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said, "What’s the matter,

Old Timer, never done anything WILD IN YOUR LIFE?

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

6

Two guys walk into a bar… You’d think the second one would have ducked.

Ham sandwich walks into a bar… Bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Snake walks into a bar… Bartendender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you; you can’t hold your liquor.”

A three-legged dog walks into a bar, says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper replies, “You have a drink called ‘Jim?’”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first one says, “I think I lost an electron.” The second asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar orders a beer and says, “How much?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The baby seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

No applause, just throw money! :cool:

7

Three guys are sittin in a bar discussing the meaning of sophistication.

The first guy says, “Sophistication is… you’re making love to a beautiful woman, and her husband walks in. If he just turns around and walks out again and closes the door behind him, that’s sophistication.”

The second guy says, “No, sophistication is, you’re making love to a beautiful woman and her husband walks in, if he says ‘carry on’ and turns around and walks out and closed the door, that’s sophistication.”

The third guy says, "You’re both wrong. Sophistication is, you’re making love to a beautiful woman, and her husband walks in, says, ‘carry on’ turns around and walks out and closes the door… if you can carry on, that’s sophistication.

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.” — Han Solo

8

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk by the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and returns to the car. She says" look, it’s shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says " Put it between your legs." She says " But what about the smell?" He says" Hold it’s nose."

Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.

9

A teenage boy goes into the confessional, and after the usual preliminaries, tells the priest, “Father, I had sex with a girl outside of marriage.”
“Was it Mary?” the priest asks.
“No, Father.” the boy replies.
“Was it Agnes, then?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Anne?”
“No Father.”
“Ah, well. For penance, you must say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys”

So, the boy comes out of the confessional and goes to his friend who is waiting in the nave.

“What did you get?” the friend asks.

The boy replies, “Five Our Fathers, Four Hail Marys and three good leads.”
Q: Why should you always take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?
A: Because if you take one, he’ll drink all your beer. If you take two, they won’t drink any.

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.” — Han Solo

10

A (insert ethnic group of your choice) is told by his wife she is expecting. The poor fellow moans and groans about another mouth to feed and that he will have to work harder in the fields of his farm to raise more food. As the delivery time approaches, the man continues to fret and complain. Finally the day arrives and the local doctor is sent for to make a home delivery, because the poor farmer can’t afford to pay expensive hospital bills. There is no electricity and only feeble light from candles and the fireplace. As sounds of a crying baby are heard, the doctor shouts, “Joe, bring the lantern!” Then the doctor says, “Joe, you’ve got a fine baby boy.” Joe walks away wondering how he will feed this new addition to the family. Just then, the doctor shouts, “Joe bring the lantern!” And Joe is told he also has a new baby girl. Yet a third time the doctor shout at Joe to bring the lantern, which prompts Joe to ask, “Doc, do ya think the light might be attracting them?”

11

> NATIONAL PARKS ALERT, JUNEAU, ALASKA:

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, tourists, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for wild bears while in the field. We strongly advise that everyone in a wooded area, especially hikers and tourists, wear noisy little bells attached to their clothing so as to alert bears to their approach and to avoid surprising bears that are feeding. We also strongly advise that everyone carry some form of pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. We caution everyone to be constantly alert and to watch out for signs of recent bear activity. It is also advisable that persons expecting to be in the woods learn to tell the difference between droppings of Black Bears and Grizzly Bears. Black Bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has lots of little bells in it and smells like pepper.

12

Agi reminded me of this one:

Q: What’s the difference between Baptists and Methodists?

A: Methodists wave to each other in liquor stores.

13

Q. Why don’t Baptists make love standing up?
A. People might think they’re dancing.
I love Baptist jokes, probably as much as they like Catholic jokes.

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.” — Han Solo

14

What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral one?

The taste.

Teacher, my red crayon tastes funny – Ralph Wiggum

15

Three guys meet up in a restaurant for coffee after a wild night of power drinking.

The first two to arrive look like shit and it’s obvious what they were doing the night before.

The third guy looks fine, like he’s ready to go to work.

“Hey you don’t look any worse for wear today!”

“Oh man, I was up all night, blowing chunks!”

“You puked? big deal!”

“No no, you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!”

16

O’Malley and O’Shaughenessy were at the bar getting drunk again. O’Shaughenessy started bragging again. “…except for my dear mother, and my sweet sister, I’ve had sex with everone in this whole town!”

O’Malley replies “We’ll between the two of us, we’ve gotten to everybody!”

What’s Irish and sits outside?
Patty O’Furniture

McCormick had gotten drunk at the bar again. He decided he better go home. As he pushed away from the bar, he fell to the ground. He couldn’t walk a step. He called for a taxi. He was so drunk, the taxi driver had to drive him home. As he tried to get out of the taxi, he fell to the ground again. He drug his self up to the bed and went to sleep. The next morning his wife woke him up screaming and yelling “You went out and got drunk again last night, didn’t you?” “How’d you know?” asked McCormick. “O’Malley’s bar called last night, and you left your wheel chair there again!”

New and Improved
Enright3

17

Well, there was this guy. And his wife was going to make a special dinner that night, and she needed a live chicken. So she sent her husband out to get the live chicken.

So, he came back with the chicken and found the door locked with a note on the door from his wife saying she’d be back in an hour. Well, he forgot his key. So to pass the time he went over to the neighborhood movie house.

Well, he knew they wouldn’t let him into the movie with the live chicken, so he stuffed it down the front of his pants. He went in and sat down next to two little old ladies.

After a while he got so engrossed in the movie that he didn’t notice that the chicken was starting to poke its head out of his fly. A little later, the one old lady said to the other, “Look! Look at the thing sticking out of the guy’s pants!”

The other one says, “Ah, so what. If you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.”

“Yeah, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

Imbibo, ergo sum.