Why am I a softie?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I drive myself insane sometimes. I mean, deep down, I feel like I do the right thing, but sometimes it just makes me the crazy that I can’t seem to say no to people.

Recently, they had a fundraiser at work where they were collecting money to give phone cards to service personnel in Iraq. I was down to my last 40 bucks, and I forked over 20 of it (despite the fact that they were happy to take anything at all, and that a 15 dollar donation would have purchased the phone card for one person.) Anyway, I couldn’t help but think that if I have to go a day or two without cigarettes, or some other thing that I would be short on, it’s worth it if someone got to speak to their family for a little bit longer over the holidays. Of course I ended up running out of money a few days later, and ended up having to borrow 20 bucks from someone to get me through.

Last night I was at the bus stop when a guy approached me and asked if I could spare a few bucks for gas. He told me he needed to go to a town about a half hour away to visit his son, but he didn’t have enough gas to get there and back. He asked for 2, and the smallest bill I had on me was a 5 - a 5 which I could really use. All the while, a little voice in the back of my head is saying (rather unpleasantly, I thought) that he was probably going to drop it on booze or cigarettes or something stupid, but on the off chance that he was being honest with me, I gave him the 5. He thanked me profoundly, and rushed off and made a phone call that sounded an awful lot like a call to his kid saying he’d be there in a little while. Now sure, it could have been staged for my benefit, but I’ll not be cynical and just assume that it was all true.

The problem is, I really don’t have 5 bucks extra to be giving some strange guy on the street. I walk away, rationalizing to myself how lucky I am to have what I have, and that in the grand scheme of things, 5 bucks is not going to change my situation one way or the other. Of course, I try not to step back and up the little bits here and there that I’ve given to people in the name of charity, because then I do get annoyed with myself.

I don’t know, I just wish I was able to be a little more cynical, at least when it comes to choosing my own needs over someone else’s. I don’t believe in Karma, although I’d really like to, so it’s not even as if I’m doing it in the name of getting some good Karma my way. (Although, I suppose that wouldn’t really work because good Karma only comes when you don’t expect in the first place, right?)

Anyway, just a little bit of a vent/rant/musing. I don’t really want to be jaded, or cynical, and I really don’t want to say no when I believe that there’s a true need. I have said no when I didn’t believe the person was being honest about what they needed the money for. I just can’t say no when I honestly do believe in the cause, but can’t really afford to help it out at all.

Anyway. Mundane, pointless, all present!

2

Can I have $75 dollars to fill up my gas tank?
And get a cup of coffee…and maybe a haircut…wait…I’ll need at least $100.
I accept paypal. :slight_smile:

3

What are you driving, a panzer??

4

Oh, yes, the huge, easily tripped guilt buttons. Me, though, it’s mostly work. Whenever anyone calls and wants me to cover for them, or they’re slammed and need an extra person, I almost always say yes, even when I really don’t want to be there. And when I say no, I always feel bad, even when I’ve got a really good excuse like already working that night. Especially when somebody’s got a family thing to do.

I have to forcibly remind myself that I deserve a family life, too. One of my coworkers left a message wanting me to work for her tonight, because her partner is ovulating ahead of schedule and they’re having to move their insemination up. I feel bad for not working for her, because a couple ought to be together at a time like this. However, I’ve spent exactly one evening out of the last twelve with my own husband because of work, and they tried to call me in to work that night, too. I’m tired, I’m sick of everyone and everything in that building, I miss my husband, and we’re supposed to take a candidate for his program out for dinner tonight–and I feel like a heel for not taking the shift. Hell, I felt shitty for turning them down Friday when they tried to call me in right after we put our turkey in the oven. How pitiful is that? I can’t even eat Thanksgiving dinner with my husband on my only night off for a week and a half without feeling guilty about not being at work.

5

A suburban.

It is a lovely, lovely ride which can barrel over just about everything whilst looking like an urban assault vehicle.

6

I must tell you, this cracked me right up.

7

You need to utilize your answering machine *alot * more. Kick that guilt to the curb. It is living rent free in your brain.

8

(BTW my mom hates my answering machine. I’m sorry Mom but just because you have time to talk to me, it doesn’t mean that I have time to talk to you.)

My trouble is the asking. **Tell ** me to do something, it will never happen. In fact, I will move heaven and earth to assure that it doesn’t happen. But *ask * me. Ask me anything to my face and it’s yours. I’ve literally given people my jacket because they asked. Money, any thing I have in my possesion, whatever… if you asked me then you must need it more than I do. And we are not rich people. We barely get by and have to save for months and months to buy things. But if you ever wonder why we have 4 cats (they needed a home), a dog (found on the interstate) and more plants than we can care for (owner moved and couldn’t take them), it’s all because of me.

Once upon a time (yes this will be long - hush.) Years ago, I worked with a woman we’ll call Jane. Jane was a nice woman, in her 40s and friendly, with 2 kids and a husband. Jane developed a drug problem, started stealing drugs and money from people’s desks, got caught and was fired. Jane recently came back to work here. We talked about how her addiction had destroyed her family and how she was getting her life back together and attending AA meetings. Later she said she had stopped going to meetings. And that she needed some money to make it through to pay day. Here’s a check for $20 out of my christmas savings and the address of a local lunchtime AA meeting. $75 dollars and several weeks later, Jane’s fired *again * for stealing and I’m an idiot. I really wanted to believe that she was rebuilding her life and I was helping. Turns out, about 10 other co-workers thought the same thing. :smack:

9

This is me, exactly. I am absolutely, bend-over-backwards willing to do something, until it no longer becomes a matter of choice. I remember clearly the day I realized it: I woke up before everyone else, and decided to do the dishes. I was halfway through them, and feeling rather proud of myself for having done this nifty thing that I normally hated without being asked (I was 11). Then my mother woke up, and called me into her room for something. As I was walking out of her room, she said “Do the dishes.” And the motivation to do them left so suddenly that I swear I could hear it. And it’s like that for everything. If I’m asked, or if it’s my idea in the first place, then it will be done (whether I want to or not.) But the minute I’m told to do something… Forget that.

10

I got broken of that quality this past winter when I fell for some guy’s story, gave him $10 and had him showing up at my house at all hours trying to sell me what I’m pretty sure was stolen merchandise. Why would I need with a leather jacket 5 sizes too small for me at 9pm?
I’m gonna teach you what other Dopers taught me and relieve you of all that guilt:

IF THEY ASK FOR CASH, THEY ARE LYING.

That guy that wanted money from you for gas? He was probably on the phone with his dealer. I was approached by a man with the same story a couple of weeks ago. He actually walked up to my car, at night, when I was alone, in the Wal-Mart parking lot. If I were stranded at Wal-Mart, I think the first thing I would do is go inside the store (where the money is) and ask for help, but that’s just me.

This is a safety issue, sweetie. You hand cash to a stranger. Now that stranger knows that you carry cash. Other druggies see you hand that cash over and now THEY know that you carry cash, and they know you’re a sucker. What if they see you a week later and you’re alone?

You are a kindhearted person and it probably shows in your face. Softies get taken because they LOOK easy.

As far as the phone cards for soldiers go, my favorite radio show was raising money for the same thing last week. I wanted so bad to do it but right now $15 is a lot of money. It is good to be kind and a giver and yes, sacrifice for the good of someone else, but if you do it habitually with no regard for your own welfare, that’s not smart. It’s like cutting your own throat because somebody else needs a pint of blood, ya know? Especially if you have a family to think about. Your family should be numero uno. Your kid’s need for a pair of shoes is more important than someone else’s kid as far as you’re concerned. (Or, if you have no kids, your cat’s need for Meow Mix is more important than … well, you get the idea.)

Next time someone hits you up, figure that you’ve got a 99% chance of that money going into a crack pipe. The 1% chance that the person asking for money is REALLY in need is not worth the investment you’d be making, considering that there are charities available to help people like that. Tell them you don’t carry cash on you and be on your way.

11

If I were down to my last $40, no soldier on earth is going to get it. I am more important in my own grand scheme of things than he is. My own family is more important. I feel bad if they can’t call home but perhaps their own families should be forking over for phone cards. It must be sad not to be able to talk to your parents or kids or wife on Christmas but people who join the military have to know this might happen, and besides, it happens to millions of people all over the world anyway. Soldiers are not the only ones separated from their loved ones.

You have to learn how to say no. Practice. It gets easier.