Why am I so hopeless with women (rare photo evidence)? (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Nice try, but I don’t have to explain the Market on the Square to her, she’s been here her whole life.

Anyway, YOU ALL HAVE CONVINCED me to ask her out in some fashion. So, I partially wimped, by not doing it in person.

I sent Pat this email, before checking in here. This IS actually going to her, tell me what you think:

"Sorry we didn’t have much chance to chat Friday. I’ve been preoccupied with moving plans, and work that seems to appear out of the clear blue sky.

I have some definite plans to get healthier this year. First, I’ve already announced to the gang at MCHECH that I’m ready, AGAIN, to quit smoking. Frankly, I don’t want to despoil my lovely new place with cigarette smoke. The last time I stopped smoking, it was for more than five years, and I am in a much better environment now than I was when I started up again. In any case, I am optimistic about my chances.

But all that aside, have you any interest in after-work biking? My first thought is the path around lake Monona, about 12 miles around. Is that too short a trip for you?

Also, I understand the Mt. Horeb bike trail is somewhere near my new place, which is more or less in your neighborhood (Verona, if I recall). What are the biking opportunities in that area?

I have created a picture in my head of long day trips, followed by a cooling dip and tall frosty glasses of somethingorother at poolside. But that’s for later – I’d be delighted to make 15 miles on day one.

Care to join me sometime in the next couple of weeks for the Monona loop? "

42

That sounds excellent. Good show, old bean.

43

yojimboguy - that sounds absolutely lovely.

44

Yeah, well, that was the easy part. The difficult part will come later, assuming she accepts. I have gotten this far before, only to fall in flames later.

It’s that transition thing.

I actually found an online picture and bio of Pat (link removed at request of poster - CF. She looks better in person, and you can see where a guy can be intimidated by all this. Christ, she’s an expert in “midlife” issues, many of which seem related to sexual function or dysfunction. Honest – one day my boss (a woman RN) came out into our reception area and said, “Does anybody have aspirin? I checked in Pat’s clinic and all I could find was vaginal lubricant.”

Well, I suppose she if anyone should know how to deal with me without destroying me. It would be professionally unethical. :slight_smile:

45

Oy, she’s a total babe. Beautiful eyes.

Please keep us updated with her response, yojimboguy.

46

Yojimboguy She looks like a doll. Please keep us posted. After talking to you on the first night of Chi-Dope, lemme tell ya, you should have nothing to worry about, you are bright and very funny and a genuinly nice guy.

And, if you really are interested in riding bikes, my sister, sister in law and myself will be doing a quick ride of the Glacial Drummond trail outside of Madison the weekend of the 12th of May, the more the merrier (plus we’ll have wine afterwards.) Just let me know!! (It’ll be our first ride of the season so it’ll be a short one.)

47

Absolutely I’m really interested in riding bikes. I used to do week-long camping trips, and my routine rides were 50-75 miles. But I’ve gotten seriously out of shape in the last decade.

So yeah, absolutely. I’ve heard of that trail. If it’s near the southwest edge of the city, we can go cool off at the pool afterward if you like (and the weather gets less shitty). Send me some personal email, and we’ll hook up.

48

Jane, is this the trail you’re talking about?

I’ve actually taken this trail as far as Cambrigde. It goes east out of town, so it’s not near the new place, but what the hell? I’m up for it.

49

You say she’s 43?!!! Holy smokes, she looks great!

It must be the lack of skin damaging sunlight way up there in the north. :wink:

Nice email to her, good luck!

50

Naturally, the only women I’m able to hypnotize already have boyfriends … and live thousands of miles away.

51

I think one of my problems is that I have such high standards for attractiveness. I fixate on beautiful women, and them let myself get intimated by their looks. And I get somewhat paranoid about it… Why would someone who looks like that want to spend time with ME? What’s wrong with HER?

By the way, I’ve been told I don’t look 43 either. A chubby, unhealthy 35, tops!

52

That’s another depressing factor in my love life. There I go being the gentleman… some other guy works his magic, and HE gets the blow job (virtual or real) :smiley:

Gundy, you cheating little tramp! :stuck_out_tongue: Yeah, yeah, you were hipmotized! Good thing you’re thoudands of miles apart. It would have broken my heart.

53

By George, I think he’s getting it!

Compare and contrast:

THEN:

NOW:

54

So just let fly with my rage? Would it help if I slapped somebody around?

55

Nah… I assumed your “rage” was sarcastic, as evidenced by the smiley face.

My point… just reeelaaax, and be yourself.

To quote They Might Be Giants,

**
You seem to be hyper-thinking everything, causing paralysis.

I used to do that a lot, but I’ve learned to lessen it. How? It’s an art to be able to “just let go.” It takes practice.

In the “NOW” quote, you seemed to loosen up and let 'er rip with a funny comment, whereas in the “THEN” quote, you sound very conservatively cautious in your approach.

56

You seem overly wrapped up in hypothetical negative consequences that you don’t want to assume any risk. Also, relationships are not bound by “intellectual” thought. There’s that X-Factor that defies logic.

“Coming out of your shell” requires doing that which you fear, practicing social interaction.

You’ve gotta let go of the consequences. If you get rejected, you will live. It sucks at first, but then try asking someone else out. And again. Describe each conversation to your friends (us, if you want), and they will point out how things may have been better.

After a while, you just learn what works and what doesn’t, not that I’m the “Master” or anything.

Ultimately, I have learned that what works best is to just relax and be myself. If someone isn’t interested in that, someone else will come along who is. Each rejection is easier than the last, and the benefits of assuming that risk are that I have dated some absolutely wonderful people and had some great relationships. You can’t view rejections cumulatively. You have to let them go.

Find your hobbies, take care of your health. Take confidence in the fact that you are doing things for yourself that you enjoy. You already seem to have a great mind and a satisfying job. As long as you’re reasonably social, someone out there will be attracted to all those things, and will want to share in them with you.

So, you’ve gotta break out of that, “Why would X want to date me” bit. Why wouldn’t she? You have to change your mental outloook to the positive. I know, easier said than done.

I say that because I’ve been in that mental trap before, and it’s taken time and effort to break out of it. I did it by taking care of myself, finding things I enjoy, and forcing myself to engage in social situations, including asking women out. The more I did it, the better things got. Now, it’s not that big of a deal to ask someone out.

“Wanna grab lunch?” Is a perfect thing to say… or “You wanna hit the bike trails? I heard there’s a good trail here.” Eventually, you will ask while swimming with someone, “wanna skinny dip?”

While many women don’t enjoy the extreme of being leered, gawked, whistled, or howled at, many of them appreciate when a guy expresses sincere interest. It seems best when a man and woman “meet half way” when it comes to expressing interest. I would advise you to try to “move toward the middle” instead of staying out on the “asexual fringe”. Otherwise, women will have to come all the way over to you and drag you to the middle, as shown in some of these posts.

Good move with the email to Pat.

I humbly give you my 200th post.

57

Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I forgot my smilie in the post addressed to you, :eek:

Frankly I’m not sure WHICH is myself sometimes. Am I the friendly, joking guy who gets too stressed about relationships, or am I the emotionally distant mole who has developed a veneer of gregariousness in order to cope with necessary social situations? I suppose I can choose for myself, but easier said than done, as so many here have noted.

And yes, I tend to over-think everything.

58

But…but…you never even asked! How was I supposed to know?!

59

YojimboGuy, you may want to rethink posting her picture here. You know her better than I, but some people may be offended by that.

The weather sat & sun looks beautiful (finally!) And Glacial-Drumlin more or less starts in Cottage Grove. Military Ridge is on the west side of town. (Not to mention a great mountain bike course I’m building at Blue Mounds!)

60

**

I didn’t think about it much, because it is on a public site, but on second thought you are correct. I will contact the mods and/or the administrator and ask that the link be disabled, or that the post be removed, if necessary. It’s bad form at least, and potentially embarassing to her and me both in RL.

Thanks for pointing this out, Big Cheese. I will not repeat this error.