Okay, I am bemused. What is it about me that everyone except psychos finds intimidating? For example, I was out with some friends, and we went to this bar, and as soon as we set foot in the door this huge bouncer asks to see some ID. So I look at him as if he’s lost his mind, and I say: “You have got to be kidding me.” So bouncer-dude who could knock me into next week, if he were so inclined, immediately backs off, saying he won’t card me since I just intimidated him. Yet, he goes on to card my friends and everybody else who walks into the bar. Then, while we in the bar, I complain to the wait staff that the music’s too loud and ask them to see if they can’t turn it down so that I can hear myself think and have a decent conversation with my friends without having to yell. So the wait staff is apologetic and a little scared, noting that I’ve complained about the music. What? Did they think I wasn’t going to tip them? For the record, they did get the volume lowered, and I did tip them, but why should my polite request to lower the volume of the sound system elicit fear? 
What? I’m not supposed to speak up about stuff that’s bothering me? That’s not effective communication if I just sit back and say nothing. It’s not like I’m being unreasonable. I’m just a short, black woman trying to make it in this hard, cruel world. I wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I don’t put up with no shit, neither. Why should that scare folks? Somebody help me out here. There’s something I’m not getting here. Anyone else experience something like this situation?
I actually get it sometimes, though not to such a degree. And I’m not even close to physically intimidating. But I have no compunction about speaking my mind/telling someone when something bothers me/insults my intelligence, which elicits gasps from people with me in many cases, though I try not to be rude, just blunt. I think that’s probably part of it - most people would rather just not say anything, out of some kind of (social?) fear I (and you, I assume) don’t have.
Oops, wrong thread. I just came in here by mistake… SORRY… SORRY!!
Seriously, I get it too, but I know why. It’s because I’m huge. It annoys me actually. I’m usually thinking about bunny rabbits and marshmallows or something.
I’d have to see you in person. There are a lot of clues that people give off when they are angry, and you might be giving them off without realizing what you are doing. It might be helpful to ask the next person you scare what they find so scary about you. That’s what my one friend had to do. He still scares people, but not as much as he used to.
When I used to live in Cincinnati, I was friends with these two huge black dudes. We lived in downtown Cincinnati, so it wasn’t like black people were uncommon, but Ohio in general is mostly white. These guys, although they were the sweetest guys you’d ever meet, would constantly scare the shit out of all sorts of people, especially when they were together. I think part of the reason they were so scary is that they both dressed all in black and loved wearing sunglasses. One time we went to a frat party together and someone thought they were my bodyguards. 
It’s possibly the glasses and the fangs.
Actually, could you show me some body language tricks? Being indimidating sounds fun!
Intimidating, even.
Well, I’m impressed.
When I go to bars, I am treated by bartenders and waitstaff as, well, not intimidating, but – what’s that other “i” word?
Oh, yeah: “invisible.”
Why ask why? Just enjoy the good service.
For me, it’s mostly my eyes. That and that I don’t smile much. Those two and that I wear glasses and a full beard so they can’t see much of my face anyway. If I don’t make an effort to appear cheery, people think I’m pissed.
Well, it’s probably not the beard, then.
Your shoulder holster is showing.
There’s a very particular type of black woman I find intimidating as hell. (Warning: huge brushstrokes ahead!) She’s very smart, strong, capable, beautiful and makes me feel inadequate, ugly and stupid in comparison. She always seems in control of any situation, though she never has to do more than raise a single eyebrow to send folks scuttling off to do her will. She makes me fear her icy stare of disapproval more than any large man makes me fear phsyical violence. She is always very calm, cultured and polite, but with an backbone of titanium.
She can see through all my bullshit and deep into my unworthy soul.
She doesn’t take a lick of crap from anybody.
I suspect you are one of these women.
Maybe they’re not scared you’ll punch them in the nose. They’re scared you’ll make a scene. Scenes scare people. Use that to your advantage, and Godspeed.
You failed to mention that you came into the bar with a Mike Tyson look alike.
Do you by chance resemble Wanda Sykes? Because if she asked me to do something I would be scared not to do it.
Maybe you just complain. Squeaky wheels get the grease. you know.
“I’m just a short, black woman trying to make it in this hard, cruel world. I wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I don’t put up with no shit,”
I’m picturing Wanda Sykes. And if this is at all accurate, I’d back the fuck off too, thinking you would verbally tear me a new one.
I wonder if people are afraid of racism accusations.
Aaaarghhhhh!…
::::runs::::
…in a big silver box?
(See Whoopi Goldberg in Jumpin’ Jack Flash.)
I don’t get this. Do white people constantly worry about being called racists? Is this a realistic fear or something akin to paranoia?
I think a lot of white people desperately want black people to know how non-racist they are and they become overly deferential and ingratiating, not so much out of a fear of confrontation but a fear they won’t be thought well of.