Another day, another stupid email full of made-up nonsense about Obama forwarded to me by my dad :
This one is a bunch of horse stinkie supposedly written by some observer of the town hall event Obama held in Montana a few weeks ago. Apparently this observer has amazing super powers and can see well into the 4th, 5th, and 6th dimensions to see things that could not possibly have happened here on the temporal plane of non-bullshit.
It’s amazing what people can try to turn into a negative when the President does it. It’s even more amazing what people can make up, and then nitpick about it.
I’m sure this non-existent person is privy to all of the information regarding where to hold a presidential event, and therefore is able to conclusively malign the decision of an advance team whose entire job is to find the best/safest/most accessible locations for such events after only a few minutes of consideration while waiting for some corndogs to cook in the microwave. I mean, come on, Bill knows EVERYONE.
This must be true, because Obama likes to have his antique furniture shipped where ever he goes, so he doesn’t have to learn how to use new chairs. If this is even true, don’t bother considering the fact that a large public event requiring stages, rigging, security checkpoints, backstage areas, media areas, crowd control, and so on might require bringing along some type of equipment. At least the things that couldn’t be made on-site out of balsa wood and elmer’s glue. I mean, there’s a recession on.
I can see how, in a recession, giving plenty of extra work to the local shipping and cargo businesses must have been a real strain on everybody’s unfounded sense of self-satisfaction.
If anything in this bullshit story is true, it has to be this part, because an anonymous writer claiming they heard something third-hand on the radio is the kind of reliable testimony that District Attorneys have wet dreams about.
I mean, how could this NOT have happened? Maybe in some crazy mixed up world where UPS employees are maybe required NOT to announce to the whole world who is shipping what to whom.
I’m certain it happened, and it went something like this:
(UPS Employee 1) Hey, what’s that big container being shipped in? Being UPS employees, we do not encounter many large boxes, so I am naturally curious.
(UPS Employee 2) Well, the shipping label right here says it’s shipped to “United States President Barack Hussein Obama,” then it lists the hotel and room number where he’s staying, plus a schedule of the Secret Service protection rotation.
(UPS1) Huh. I wonder what’s in it.
(UPS2) Well, since UPS always knows what’s in every box we handle, even ones sent to the president, I’ll just look that up in our records. Ok, it says here that this box contains “THOUSANDS of dollars in lobster.”
(UPS1) Huh. That makes sense. Obama is a well known “hoity toity,” so he probably can’t go 45 minutes without sucking down a live lobster’s gooey insides. Him having a ton of lobster sent to him is something that someone like me could understand, because our only measurement for snootiness are based on food.
(UPS2) Strange, though, I thought muslims couldn’t eat shellfish.
(UPS1) Lobsters aren’t fish, stupid.
(UPS2) Oh, right. I just thought of something, though. Montana is the only state in America that has beef, so it would be strange for someone to visit our state and not eat nothing but steaks.
(UPS1) I agree. Eating Maine lobster is unamerican.
(UPS2) I will call a local radio station about this, with haste.
Yes, America needs your prayers to evict this wretched force of evil from government. Also, tell congress, because they have the power to replace black presidents with white ones (I’m pretty sure the second amendment can be interpreted to say this). There is nothing amusing at all about artificial righteous outrage! USSR!!! THOSE ARE LETTERS THAT SCARE PEOPLE!!! Like AIDS and WMD and SAT and IQ.
The rest of it is too stupid to consider.
I really… I just… It hurts my insides.
If you’re going to make up something to make Obama seem out of touch, the best thing you can think of is lobster?
It’s not even original:
OH REALLY?
I love that last one so much. The photoshopped receipt is my favorite thing ever.
Michelle Obama loves lobster SOO much that she won’t even eat lobster without a lobster hors d’oeuvres! SO MUCH LOBSTER!! I CAN NOT RELATE TO THESE PEOPLE!! I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK ACHAHHOAEHNSJNJENJNNCJA
Of course, no lobster-lobster meal is complete without $150 worth of caviar. Wait, not just any caviar, IRANIAN caviar. FROM IRAN!! THERE ARE A LOT OF FISH IN IRAN!!
BOLLINGER IS A BRAND IVE HEARD OF!!! MY KNOWLEDGE OF HOW FANCY PEOPLE EAT AND DRINK IS BASED ON JAMES BOND MOVIES!!!
Waiting for the room service to bring up her lobster, lobster, fish egg cuisine must have put her in some kind of zen-like trance, because you’ll notice the “name” and “signature” fields are adorned with the same exact signature. They’re identical down to the molecular level. It takes a steady hand to perform such a feat.
I really wish people would get a new schtick. If you really want to malign Obama, they should have said he had THOUSANDS of dollars worth of watermelon and Air Jordan sneakers shipped in.
Or, y’know, not lie at all, maybe.
What I really, really don’t get is why people still do this email forward shit. Haven’t people caught on that absolutely nothing forwarded in an email is true?
And why the fuck are old people incapable of using snopes.com? Twice a week my mom emails me something she was forwarded, asking “is this true?” and I reply with a link to its snopes page. Do people over 50 not know how websites work? AGHGHGH.
I’m too worked up here. I should try to calm myself down with some crab legs.
