Why are these hard concepts?

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok. Background, I go to university fairly near my home (about 40 minutes drive) and, as a consequence I see my family relatively often. They don’t constantly visit me or anything like that, but they drop by to visit every few weeks. Usually my father can’t make it, so it’s just my mother and sister who come.

They are always late. It never fails. I have no idea why - My mother is usually a fairly punctual person, and yet she rarely arrives here less than quarter of an hour late, often half an hour.

In particular today. It’s my birthday today, I don’t make a very big deal about it but we thought it would be nice if they dropped by for a little bit before I went out with my friends tonight, seeing as they had to come into Cambridge anyway. I specifically said “Can we make it earlier because I’ll be doing something with friends later?”. I’ve tried calling 6 or 7 times today to let them know the exact timing, both on our home number and on her mobile number. No answer.

So, about 5 minutes ago I got a phone call. “We’re going to be leaving in 5 minutes, is that ok?” Ummm… No?! We arranged for them to be here between 6 and 6:15. I’m going to be going somewhere at 7:00. I tell her this, and her responses were:

“Well you should always count on us being late.”

Umm. No I shouldn’t. Why the fuck should I count on you being late? If you can’t make it for a particular time say so in advance. Do not say you’re going to make it at a particular time and then arrive half an hour later.

“You should have phone to let us know the timing.” I did. 6 or 7 times. “Oh, well. We have a problem in that only one phone in the house is working at the moment.” This is fair enough - our phone system is notoriously screwy for some unknown reason, but really - If your house phones are not working, or if you’re going to be outside, why the fuck can’t you keep your mobile on you? I mean honestly…

It wouldn’t be so bad if this was the first time… But WHENEVER I’ve told her I’m working to a time constraint for one reason or another she’s been even more late than normal.

I know this is a somewhat lukewarm rant, but I’m not quite furious, merely pissed off. Plus I don’t like swearing at my mother too much. :slight_smile:

2

Wow! That is really self centered!! Does she do it to everyone or just you? Maybe she thinks it is safe to do it w/ you because 'your family, you’ll understand" BS!!!

Have you told her specifically “I hate it when you are late, it’s realy rude knock it off” (more or less)?

3

It sounds like she is trying to control you by letting you know that her plans are more important than yours. You’re going to have to let her know what your schedule is, and then followthrough. After she misses out 3 or 4 times(or 10 or 11 if she’s obstinant), she might get the point and quit playing power games.

4

My father and sister do this, too, to the point where I don’t trust timings from either of them any more. The worst case recently was when my father picked me up in his car (and was late) and then drove to a filling station where my sister was supposed to meet us and I would transfer to her car, so my father could visit some of his friends in the area.

Despite the fact that her travel distance was less than a twentieth of ours, she was late, so I got screwed twice. Plus I had to listen to my father complaining about her while resisting my impulse to make a federal case out of his tardiness. Naturally, when she shows up, he makes a snarky remark to her, so I end up having to listen to her complain about him.

5

Happy birthday from an Emmanuelite. Hope you’re not going to Cindies…

6

Yeah, Happy Birthday from a Tit Haller too!

So what’s it to be? Life? Cindies? Toxic8??

7

I’m sorry, from all of us late people. For some reason, my entire family (with the exception of my father)…my four sisters and me, we’re habitually tardy.

Our solution: if we have a reservation for dinner at my sister’s restaurant for say, 7 p.m., my sister tells the entire family it is at 6 p.m. It works. Most of us are there by 6:30. If we’re early we go to the lounge and have a beer.

8

Cindies, Life, Toxic8? Bah. :slight_smile: I don’t do nightclubs. I don’t drink, can’t dance, hate cigarette smoke and am not too fond of loud music (not when trying to socialise anyway - I can’t hear people). The original plan was to go to Clowns (a very nice little Cafe, not a bizarre circus entertainment), but a friend of mine and my mother each sprung surprise cakes on us, so we ate those, after which we didn’t really feel like going to clowns. The prospect of anything with sugar in it seemed somewhat less than appealing after that, so we hung around in my room for a while and then went for a walk. Now it’s back to work. Gyah.

Thanks for all the 'happy birthday’s by the way. :slight_smile:

I’m fairly sure she’s not playing powergames. She’s a little controlling, but not generally too much. To be fair to her, she does have a very busy schedule (total workaholic) so it’s understandable that she’s pressed for time.

It’s still damned inconsiderate though. In future I’ll tell her that my available time slot ends at least 1/2 an hour before it actually does. Problem is, she suggested I do that. So maybe I’ll have to make it an hour so she doesn’t deliberately add in the extra half hour knowing it’s my fudge factor to make her arrive on time.

Oh. Since typing that I just got a phone call from her. She was very apologetic and promised to try and be on time next time. So, she’s forgiven… This time. :slight_smile:

9

So what DO you do when you wanna let your hair down? :smiley:

No, in all seriousness, there are two sorts of people in this world. There are those who are punctual and there are those who are not.
If I want to invite my sister for dinner (evening) I tell her that it is a lunch appointment, and then she might make it by 6.00 pm. (Except the ONE time in forty years when she turned-up only half an hour late, and I hadn’t even STARTED cooking!!) It’s not just with me, she has some sort of pathological condition that makes it impossible for her to arrive anywhere on time. Over the years I have grown to understand her ways even though it drives me nuts.
Me, on the other hand, have never been late (apart from ‘politely’ so) for anything in my life. Sometimes I’d like to have a more ‘devil-may-care’ relationship with time, but I can’t seem to do it.

10

My brother is almost always late for things. To be fair, he has a very busy schedule: school, orchestra, various get-togethers with friends, etc. But I can almost always count on him for being late. Like the times when he said he’d pick me up from my place to go to his place. (the family home, you could say) I had to bribe him by saying I’d buy him a Slurpee on the way there, even.

He said he’d be there by about 6:10; he showed up at 6:30, saying he had to return things to the library and go to Future Shop (a music and electronics store around here) on the way! So it’s not THAT bad, considering. I just have to remember to not be punctual (like I usually am) when he’s doing the driving! (of course, he could actually be on time once, and that will backfire on me, but that’ll be another story)

Actually, this gives me an idea for another thread.

11

I think this is just one of those issues where some people are going to have a fundamental divide. I’m one of those folks who are casual about timekeeping. If I’m doing something where timing is important, such as going to a show or something else that starts at a specific time, I’ll be more conscientious, but for many social events, I’m not so concerned about it. I guess it’s just that, to me, 5-10 minutes is just not a big deal, though I know it is to some people. I consider 15 minutes or more to be unacceptably late though.

I know it sucks to have to tell someone to be there an hour before the actual time in order to have some hope of them being there near on time, but some habits are just really hard to break. I get distracted by things, and lose track of time. I’ve tried to get better, and have improved somewhat, but I really don’t think I will ever be one of those super-punctual people. I’m just not wired to be watching the clock constantly.

12

Ha! My husband’s ex takes tardiness to a whole new level. Today she came to pick up the kids at 11:

  1. She said she’d be here beween 9 & 10…
  2. … yesterday!
  3. She’s throwing my step daughter a birthday party today. Her birthday was two months ago!

An hour, a day, and two months late, all at once!

13

Habitual lateness is simply fucking unacceptable. It is very, very rude and inconsiderate. She is telling you that her time is more important than your time. Fuck that. Fuck that with a rusty chainsaw.

My friend Bernie didn’t used to have a car and often wanted to go to the same events as Mrs. H and me. Mrs. H would usually deal with him and he would make her wait around at his apartment while he finished packing and brushed his teeth and other assorted bull shit. We really do enjoy his company but it frustrated us so much that Mrs. H didn’t want to take Bernie around anymore.

I found the solution. I took control and called Bernie the next time and told him that the bus will leave at 6pm with him or without him. He knew much better than to test me. He was at his front door, back pack in hand the next time we left. Problem solved.

People will take advantage of you so long as they can.

Haj